


Behind Walls

by ShadowingCad



Category: Hanson (Band)
Genre: Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, Gay Sex, Hancest, Kissing, M/M, Music, Sibling Love, Siblings, Zaylor - Freeform, hanfic - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-10 14:50:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 50,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8921332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShadowingCad/pseuds/ShadowingCad
Summary: Zac finds himself with little time to sort his feelings before his world changes and transforms Taylor's and his day to day life.





	1. Stage Lights

**Author's Note:**

> Explicit content in this compilation.

      I love the blinding lights of the stage, but even though there were a thousand or so fans standing in front of us, music was the furthest from my thoughts; again. I was trying to really focus tonight but it seemed that my mind had other plans for me. We were so close to the end of our tour that all I needed to do was finish the next few gigs. But he just distracts me so much these days that I really don’t know what I am going to do anymore. Glancing out at the crowed I can see the multitude of fan shirts; as well as small cell phone and camera screens capturing our every move, our every word. I don’t need to look at my drums to see where I need to hit them any more than I need to look at the strings of a guitar, but tonight I have to continue to try to keep my head down, bent over my set to keep from looking at him. So I return my gaze back to my set; back to my safe zone. He is not more than 10 feet away standing at his keyboard with that little jump step he does. His white jeans are hugging him in all the right areas and his ass keeps trying to call me away from my set. Those damn jeans, he had started wearing them more and more, on gigs and interviews; some new trend that he seemed to be on, and it worked for him. I can feel my head tilt up a bit and soon I can see him out beyond the loose strands of my hair. He is in near slow motion as I gaze at him, his leg keeping his beat and the sweat starting to collect at his jaw. Shit. I drop my head and stare at the metal frame again.

_Come on, Focus._ _I just need to make it to Taylor’s solo song and then I might be able to make it backstage long enough to get rid of some of this tension._ That time is meant for water and a quick bathroom break but as of late I have been using the 5-7 minutes to try to cool down before having to go back on stage. But the difficulty always came with finishing in the small time gap given to me. The song ended and the crowed went nuts again, the lights dimmed and as soon as my area got dark I was out from behind my set and heading off stage.

            I could feel Isaac’s eyes follow me as I managed to make it off the side of the stage. I rushed down the hallway; half running, with a slight bounce here and there to avoid running into one of the stage hands as I made it back to our little room with the small attached bathroom. I just hoped to God that Isaac didn’t follow to see what was up with me. I closed the door to the bathroom and clicked the lock shut. Leaning into the door I popped the button, pulled at the zipper, and felt my cock practically jump out into my hand. I couldn’t help the moan that escaped me as my fingers wrapped around my girth. I didn’t stop to lube up, and the friction was a bit more than what I was used to. I enjoy drag, but this was drier than even I was used to. I hissed into the small space as I continued my assault. I just didn’t have the time; either I was going to hurt myself to the point that I would lose my erection or I was going to cum sooner. Either option was fine with me at the moment, so long as I didn’t walk back out on stage hard. Shaking my head I tried to clear my mind from my time constraint. My hand pumped back and forth down my shaft as my mind became flooded with images of Taylor’s ass and torturous jeans. I could feel a new wave of sweat beading at my brow and my breaths were beginning to come in short deep achy needs. _Rap, Rap, Rap_. I froze. I could feel the dread seeping through me as it mingled with the guilt of being caught once again.

            “Zac, Quit jerking it and get back on stage!” Isaac’s voice cut through the silence that fell, as I heard and felt the first and following raps through the door. There is no fucking way my eldest brother could have known I was really jerking myself in here. Glancing down I could see the slight twitches and the full extent of where I had been interrupted. Biting my lip I managed to tuck myself back into my tight jeans. Stealing a quick glance in the mirror I could see I was completely doomed. _Fuck_. There was no hiding how aroused I was and there was nothing I could do now. I turned and opened the door to face my older brother and eventually the swelling crowed again.

            “What the fuck, Isaac?! Can't a guy use the restroom in peace for 5 minutes?” Running my forearm across my forehead I could feel the excess of sweat that had accumulated during my short pause.

            “You don’t have 5 minutes; we had to be back on stage 3 minutes ago.” He pushes past me and headed back to the stage. There is nothing I can do but follow him back to the blue tinged stage. It hit me all at once, the semi darkness only illuminated in the deep blue of the stage lights above. The main of the light was focused on him. He was chatting up the crowd and they seemed to be loving every moment that he stood there. He didn’t need to say much to get them going, a sentence or two and the crowd would surge with newfound energy at his very tone or a simple smile. His charismatic ways have always been a marvel to me. I have to pick my way carefully back to my set as I kept glancing back over to him.

_Had I really been gone that long?_ We quickly started into the next song but it was clear that my long absence was not lost on Taylor. Round about the second verse I caught his glance for a second time. His head tipped to the side and just the slightest edge of his brow arched. The small distance between us did nothing to hide his small gestures. These small gestures always spoke volumes to me. Pulling my vision from his form once again I glanced out to the crowed and watched as they moved with the motion of the song. I could feel the words leaving my lips, my arms moving from the repeated practice of the song, yet it didn’t feel right. I glanced back over to the piano and found that his head was just sweeping back to the crowd. In some corner of my mind I knew what he was feeling; I could even guess what he was thinking. ‘ _Where the hell did you go_?’. I shook my head again to clear the thought. I saw his left hand leave the keys and shoot out to his side; the slight movement was something that the majority of the crowed couldn’t see, a gesture that was meant for me alone. I watched as his hand tilted one way then the other before returning to his beloved piano. _‘Are you okay?’_ I could feel the frustration growing in me. I was fine… sort of. As I beat out the tempo, my knee kept beat as well and each time my leg moved I could feel the friction of my jeans on my sensitive cock. Why had I rushed out of the bus of all days without boxers on? Why did I insist on attempting to pull off Taylor’s tight jean look? The answer was easy, if not too easy. I wanted to catch Taylor’s glances; I wanted to see if I affected him at all. Maybe then I would know what to do.

            The drumstick came down hard; I could feel the reverberating shake as it cracked under the assault. Glancing down I could see my spare, the last one I had with me. I hit the next note and half of my drumstick flew away from me. My fingers reacted, the release of the end in my hand and the quick grab for the spare. In my shift the fabric dug into my groin and sent a shiver of sensations through my midriff. The slight pain mingled with a pulse of pleasure. The words falling from my lips changed octaves slightly, a deeper ache etched into the undertones that I was sure that the crowed wouldn’t notice. Glancing off to Isaac however I could see his own confusion. Having the most mobile instrument, he made his way back a bit and glanced at me again. Nodding in the direction of the broken drumstick about a step away from him, he seemed to get the hint and went back forward.

            As each song came and went I felt the surge of energy rise in me as well as slowly tapering off. All the same though; the end of the set couldn’t have come quicker. My erection had dropped a bit but not enough to go completely unnoticed. As much as I wanted to leave stage quickly it just wasn’t an option. Both my brothers had already made their way nearly to center stage and any more lingering around wasn’t going to give me the time I needed. It took me a moment to reach them and as I did my gaze was pulled to a few of the fans in the front row; their glance and linger on that general direction made my body tingle uncomfortably. The pictures posted from our fans should be really interesting after tonight.

      Taylor’s hand reached out for mine and I slid my sweaty palm into his. He was completely drenched in his own sweat and I doubted that he would notice my sweaty palms all too much but the thought still left me feeling even more uncomfortable so close to him. His hand was firm, confident, solid, he was my rock. He may not know what was going on in my fucked up mind but he was always quick to give me a reminder that he was here for me if I needed him. As we stood in the center of stage I felt the subtle change in his hand, his cupped hand turned and his fingers laced in with mine. The subtle changed sent sparks in my mind and I could feel the ‘butterflies’ flood my stomach while my heart beat threatened to jump from my chest. I mustered everything I had in me just to put on a smile for the screaming fans as his thumb moved to the back of my hand and slowly rubbed back and forth as our hands came forward and up into the air. Everything stopped. That small gesture from Taylor was enough to make my world come crashing to a complete halt. I could feel every small edge to his hand, each grove and drip of sweat. The blazing heat that was more likely coming from my hand radiating between our grasp. The bright blinding glow of the white stage light as it illuminated him. But I continued to mimic our bow as we have done as far back as I can really remember being on stage. Once done I felt his hand fall away just as quick as it always does after our bow. But the contact burn lingered. His touch always lingers.

 


	2. After the Show

     It only took another two hours to get all packed up and back onto the bus. Thankfully my hard on was gone but unfortunately the memory is not likely to leave me anytime soon. Right now all I want to do is crawl into my bunk and not see either of my brothers for the rest of the night. Normally I would slip into the passenger seat next to Taylor as he began our long drive to the next city or the stopping point for the night; I just couldn’t do it to night. Walking to the back of the bus I drew the small curtain that separated the sleeping bunks from the front of the bus and began stripping down. I could feel the engine flare to life as I pulled my shirt off and quickly replaced it with the black tank I had worn the night before, I really need to do laundry tomorrow. My jeans were proving a bit more difficult in the small space, given the space was larger than the bathroom where I should have been but these tight jeans really made changing difficult.

 _How the fuck does he do this every day?_ I began the chore of trying to keep myself steady while trying to peel my jeans from my sweaty body. After a few moments of struggling with trying to just shimmy out of them with no avail, I leaned my shoulder on the bathroom door to give me a little more balance and brought my right leg up. It took me only a moment or two to free my right leg and foot from the confines. Switching legs I began the task of pulling them from my left. As I stood there struggling to pull my foot out of the leg when I heard the curtain move. I dropped my foot and my hands flew to my groin to cover myself as my body struggled to stay upright.

            “Shit…. Uhhh….. yeah…” Taylor’s face said all I needed to know. He had seen enough of my ass and probably a bit of my dick as I struggled to cover myself up. He quickly turned his back to give me privacy but I could still see the creeping of color in the edge of his cheek and the deep heat invading my own skin.

            “Fuck Tay, give a guy some warning next time.” I waited another moment before uncovering myself and beginning my assault on the jeans again. It didn’t take long to free my left foot and locate a pair of boxers that were thankfully clean. “Kay”

            “Sorry, I thought that you were hiding away not changing.” The color in his face was beginning to go back to normal. It wasn’t the first time that Taylor has caught me nearly completely nude but that didn’t change how awkward I felt in front of him.

            “It’s cool…. So what’s up?” I tried to bring my voice to a level of ‘what’s the big deal’, but found it came out more pissed than anything else.

            “Nothing, just wanted to check on you. You left stage pretty quickly…everything okay?” The bus gave a bit of a swerve to one side and it left us both throwing our hands out to make sure we didn’t go toppling to the floor. Isaac was driving….

            “I…I’m fine just needed to piss like there was no tomorrow.” My small child’s bladder was something of a family joke. When I was little I used to bounce and dance all around the place if I needed to go and very little had changed since then; just the dancing part, sort of.

            “Oh… you’re sure your fine?” I could see the concern dancing in his blue eyes and I knew what he was asking without the words. Had I been sneaking a drink? My drinking had gotten pretty out of control the last time we were on tour and now that we were on tour again I guess it was weighing pretty heavy on his mind. I didn’t blame him for being concerned, hell I was concerned about it and part of me was grateful he wasn’t bringing up my drinking; at least not vocalizing it even if he was thinking it.

            “I just really needed to piss, I had something like two Mountain Dews and two bottles of water before the break; I needed to go.” It wasn’t completely a lie, but for me it would have been weird if I didn’t rush off stage after that much. His eyes were dark for a moment or two longer before I think his sub-conscience let him believe that I was telling the truth. I hate lying to my brother but when it came to my masturbation, I figured he would let the lie go; tonight had been awkward enough already. He was shifting a bit, his left arm came up across his chest and he rubbed his upper arm. The nervous habit always makes me smile; something that is entirely him, which was nearly always followed by some sort of question.

            “You want to come drive with me?” _Not really_ , but I can't tell it to him. His tone is too awkward in the way he asked. I nod and we make our way to the front of the bus where Isaac is leaning over the steering wheel like it takes all of the muscles in his body to keep it from going off the road. The image of Mr. Toad from the old Disney cartoons instantly jumps to my mind.

     “On our way to nowhere in particular?” Taylor looked around at me and the confusion is apparent on his face. Where he normally is quite on top of his media references it seems I had him here.

     “What?”

     “Isaac, is Merrily driving us to nowhere in particular.” I couldn’t help the smile creeping on my face as he continued to look at me like I had really lost my mind. A few moments pass, and it becomes increasingly clear that neither of my brothers are going to get the reference.

     “Forget it.” Isaac pulled to the side of the road, the relief was apparent as he moved so Taylor could take his spot.

     “Zac, no more caffeine _after_ the show,” He sounded exhausted as he stood there as Taylor adjusted the seat. “So did you talk about the dangers of masturbating in grungy backstage bathrooms?” _Fuck I hate my eldest brother_. I think both of them saw the inhale and the slow exhale that I gave to keep from firing something nasty at him, maybe a punch instead.

            “We talked about how I shouldn’t have so much liquid before a concert.” It was snappier than I wanted but my irritation with him was already on edge. Sometimes all I really need is a slight push to fall into a full on yelling match with my eldest brother. Taylor didn’t say anything but instead pulled the seat belt across his lap and latched it.

            “Whatever you say Zac, but really next time keep it down. I could hear you in the hallway.” He moved past me and back to his bunk. I wanted to follow him, to shove him and really let go, but part of this sobriety thing is that I have to control my temper as well as my drinking. A sigh falls from my lips as I slip into the seat next to Taylor. He doesn’t say anything, and once again I am grateful and a bit guilty. It doesn’t matter if Isaac just proclaimed the lie I had told Taylor or not, so long as I hadn’t been drinking. A swift movement brought me out of my head as his hand reached forward and grabbed the iPod. The Auxiliary cord didn’t really let it go too far but I could see him shuffling through the songs, before deciding to just leave it on shuffle. The music filled the space between us and we both relaxed into the melody of some song that I couldn’t for the life of me remember the name of let alone the band.

            The peace of silence between us has never really been something to shrink away from, except when we were in the heat of an argument. But sometimes Taylor, Isaac, and even I tend to use it to override or block out the other person. Not tonight though. Tonight it was easy, despite my absence on stage earlier this evening. The bus was traveling along at a great pace, moving with traffic and the flow of the road. It was easy to get lost in the melody and the hypnotic road. The changing artificial light was the only indicators that showed the difference between the vast cities and the dotted small towns between one city and the next. Glancing to my left I saw him lost in the music, the lyrics were falling effortlessly from his lips. Though I hadn’t wanted to drive with him, I think it was actually helping. Easing my guilt, my shame and embarrassment; it always amazes me how much he is my cure and the cause of so much of my actions. I love him. I love him for all the things he is and does to me. The good and the bad.


	3. On The Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zac finds himself with little time to sort his feelings before his world changes and transforms Taylor's and his day to day life.

     The passing cars seemed to blur together as the headlights and the passing towns were the only points of lights along the expansive stretch of highway. Glancing to my right I could see his head jerk back up and nod along with the drum beat as his body and mind struggled with being awake and succumbing to sleep. He had lied to me earlier, and it hurt. It didn’t seem to matter how many times I told him that he could tell me anything; he still seemed to want to lie to me. Though I suppose I could understand a bit. I could rationalize it and I could even see myself doing the same thing in his shoes. Self-pleasure was a natural thing, it was also a personal thing. But his excessive need for relief had been apparent since he turned 13. Pulling my vision from him again I returned to watching the lines in the road and the occasional passing car.

     He had rushed off stage so quickly that the crowed had even noticed his swift exit. I had watched about a dozen fan’s heads shoot off past me all at once that it had caused me to jerk my own head around behind me. I had seen a dark form disappear behind the curtain so quick that I was positive that it couldn’t have been anything but a stage hand. Sweeping my gaze to the drum set I saw that Zac was indeed not sitting there however.

     “And… With that note, Zac and I will be right back after Taylor’s Solo.” Isaac’s voice had pulled me back to the realization that we were still on stage. He waved to the fans before stepping over to the piano and covering our mikes with his hands.

     “I’ll check on him.” I nodded and smiled at him. Isaac walked off stage and I had started in on my solo song, Crazy Beautiful. As I played I slipped into the music, forgetting that the fans were watching that anyone was watching really. I felt the music in my soul, letting every ounce of feeling drip into how I was singing. I added the flourishes, and extra notes that corresponded with the emotion I was feeling. The slow and fast melodic tones that I had so desperately wanted to include on the album version.

     As the song came to a close I was ripped from my trance by the roar of the crowd. Glancing off stage I saw that Isaac and Zac were not waiting to come back on stage. They were really pressing the limits. We liked to keep our schedule clean, no hick-ups while on tour. The last few months had been going so well too. I smiled at the fans and begun to thank them for showing up, being a great respectful crowd; all my filler comments to hopefully give my brothers a few more moments to get their asses back on stage.

     The slight knock of the reflector lights brought my mind crashing back to reality. Moving back into the center of the lane I quickly looked over to see if Zac had noticed. Half expecting to see his arched eyebrow and mocking smile, I was surprised to see his head leaning on the window, fast asleep. As much as he enjoyed our driving it also seemed to lull him to sleep quicker than any other process. His brows came together for a moment before relaxing again. I can't help but wonder if he is dreaming again and what he could possibly be dreaming about this time. His body jerked and he was suddenly siting straight, staring out the window.

     “You okay?”

     “Yeah why?” His tone sounded suddenly wide awake, void of any evidence that he had been sleeping only moments before. _How long had he been out 15-20 minutes max?_ He smiled at me like nothing had happened.

     “Were you sleeping?” I smiled at him; I knew he had been sleeping. He knew he had been sleeping.

     “Nope, who needs sleep.” The smile he shot me was childlike, innocent. I shook my head and went back to focusing on the road. We had a few hundred miles to go before we were in the next city. The silence lapsed and was filled with the music from my iPod, Everclear, Icona Pop, Phantom Planet, and Silverchair; words of so many artists that speak of some part of my mind or mood.

     “Hey Tay?”

     “Yeah.”

     “How are you doing?” his words rang through my skull. _How was I?_

     “I’m fine Zac why?” I answered quickly, there really was never a different response to give him. I was always fine. I could only every be fine for him. It is sad that I can't tell him every thought that passes through my head but, the truth is just way too much for him to handle.

     “Just wondering.” He sounded dejected, excluded from my inner domain. The guilt begun to edge and I tried to force it from my mind as I absorbed myself into the music playing; letting the lyrics fall from my lips in time with the songs; a way to block out questions, a way to close myself off from his prying questions. I felt sick with the way I always tried to distance myself from him. But we needed this distance so that we both could grow.

     The iPod lapsed into silence before edging into a grainy intro; I could feel my brow furrow as the grainy sound continued. Glancing over at Zac I could see him trying desperately not to laugh. Isaac’s voice filled the air while the old Broccoli rap segment began. He burst into laughter, practically going into the fetal position as he continued to laugh over our brother’s attempted rap. In his fit, he snorted and I couldn’t contain myself any longer. I joined in with his laughter and it was several moments before we had calmed back down.

     “I take it that was you again?” The last time that he had randomly put music on my iPod it had been a simple recording of Brandon Dicamelo’s Free style Chinese Rap. He still couldn’t talk though as he caught his breath. It was a wondrous sight. His face all flushed and full of amusement. He nodded though and I knew that this was one of the reasons that I loved him.

     “You…you should have seen… your face.” His eyes were all lit up and the smile on his face reached every corner of his eyes.

     “Why do you do that?” His face softened and he sat up a bit straighter.

     “Because sometimes we get lost in the music, we get lost in the depths of what the music represents; we need something to break that from time to time.” He smiled and then went back to watching the road. His words seemed to really seep into my mind. I was left feeling in awe of him. The words he speaks sometimes seem like they are not his at all but instead something much older. My iPod has lapsed into its usual round of music. We are both plunged back into silence as we listen to the music and I am left wondering what he will randomly put on my iPod next.

 

 

 


	4. Stuck in My Bunk

          It was well past two in the morning when Taylor finally pulled off of the road and into a rest area. According to my mental GPS we still had a few hours to drive but we both knew that one, he wouldn’t let me drive and two, Isaac who had been snoring loudly for the last hour was not going to want to drive. I smile weakly at him and he returns a tired smile, reaching over he turns the volume down low before he finally kills the engine. Getting up he makes his way to the bus door; locks the door’s main lock and the chain lock before making sure the coffee maker filter had been emptied and refilled for tomorrow. It was a routine that he had every time we stopped on the road. Yet, I couldn’t help staring at his ass as he moved from one spot of the bus to another, finally reserved to the fact that he wasn’t going to ask me to drive I got up and made my way past him and back into the sleeping area. Every part of me wanted to crawl into the bunk with him but I knew that wouldn’t be allowed. So instead I hopped up into my own bunk, using his as a step and settled in. Pulling my personal curtain closed I could hear his shirt being pulled off and the unzip sound of his jeans. My heart raced, it wouldn’t take much to move the small fabric that separated us, but the guilt of such a thing kept me from doing it, always kept me from doing it, and soon I heard him moving the blanket and crawling into his own bunk below me.

                Reserved to the fact that I couldn’t crawl into the bunk with him and I couldn’t drive the rest of the way; not that I actually thought I could make the drive; I rolled over and faced the wall with the small window that allowed a small amount of air in. My bunk, all things considered, wasn’t uncomfortable but sleep just wasn’t coming. I could feel the day’s exhaustion finally setting in, my back ached along with my upper arms. The aches were an irritant but I just wanted to find some amount of sleep. I rolled over again, laying on my stomach and stretching my arms up under my pillow. Groaning I rolled over again; side, then back and finally found myself looking at the small window once again. _Sleep, you have to sleep._ I felt the slight edge of falling only to find myself jerking a bit. The slight intake of breath accompanied by a loud sound filled the bus. Isaac’s snoring continued like nails on my own personal chalk board. His snores were drowning out any indication that Taylor was in fact asleep as well.

       Pushing the curtain back slowly so not to make too much noise; I managed the hopped from my bunk and peered into Taylor’s bunk. His form was moving slightly as his breathing gave off a slight lull. He had decided to forgo his own soft blanket for the thin sheet and the outline of his chest and hips were evident. The fabric clung to his body, outlining the slight indentation of his lightly abed stomach. He looked like he was asleep; if he wasn’t then he was faking really well. His heavy breaths satisfied me and I crawled back into my bunk as careful as I could. Once my fabric wall was closed over, I stuck my first three fingers in my mouth and let them get soaked, swirling my tongue around them a moment or two before slipping my slick hand beneath the fabric of my boxers.

       As soon as my hand made contact I felt a level of relaxation take hold as I let my hand gently roam over my length, effectively giving myself the slight lubrication that I needed. My body began to respond as my fingers roamed. I wasn’t in the rush that I had been in earlier and I could really take my time; letting my hand slide down, up and over my head, twisting before pushing back down my shaft. It sent shivers down my body, to feel the change in grip and the twisting. My thoughts returned to my sleeping brother beneath me and my heart beat picked up and I got a bit harder. It would be a thrill to be caught by him, it scares the shit out of me, but it would thrill me none the less. My strokes became longer and my movements became a bit rougher as I began to feel my cock throb in my hand. I wonder what Taylor’s hand would feel like, I start to imagine his soft, yet firm hand wrapped around my cock sliding back and forth as he kissed at my neck. A small soft moan exited my throat and I froze; irritated with myself for being vocal. Most of the time I was silent as fuck, what was wrong with me today? The silence stretched and I began stroking myself again. My bunk was becoming heated, and I shoved the blanket off of me with my right hand as my left continued to work me over. His lips filled my mind and I could see them forming words, his moist lips moving back and forth as he drew me into his mouth. A curtain shifted and I froze again. _Fuck when can I get a moments rest_? I can hear Taylor crawling from his bunk beneath me and my heart beat is in my throat. _Fuck I woke him_. Before he leaves his bunk I turn my back to the curtain. Sure enough soon I feel the shift in the air as the cooler air rushes in to replace the warmer.

                “Zac…. You awake?” It was barely a whisper, and if I had not been listening so intently to every single sound around me I might have missed it. Isaac let out a particularly loud snore. I didn’t move, hopefully Taylor would get the hint and go back to his bunk. There was a tug on the mattress and my blood froze. _He wasn’t._ The mattress shifted and I felt him crawl into the bunk with me. I couldn’t move. I hadn’t put myself away, and I couldn’t do it discreetly enough and still pull off being asleep. He slipped completely behind me and pulled the curtain closed. He moved a bit and adjusted behind me to what I assumed was his side because I felt his abs pressed into my back as his arm came up and over. In his attempt to reach for the blanket in front of me his wrist made contact with the bare skin of my cock. I felt a shiver run deep through my body at the touch of his cool skin. My head slipped back into him as a deep moan slipped from my throat betraying everything that I was trying to do. The shiver that ran down my spine just pressed me more into him. I could feel blood draining my face and rushing to my cock where his hand was still frozen over me. He didn’t move, his wrist still maintained contact with my cock and it felt like the seconds stretched into hours. The contact was minimal, yet I could feel the fear dripping through me; draining every emotion but fear and excitement. Then the mattress started to shift and instead of the sudden rush of air again I found that he was up on his elbow leaning over me. I couldn’t hide that I was awake.

                “Zac?” His voice was soft, and full of so many questions, questions that I just wanted to hide from at that very moment.

                “Yeah?” I closed my eyes; I could feel the shame beginning to flood me. Why hadn’t I answered him when he first asked if I was awake? _Fuck_. Still his hand hadn’t moved and I could feel myself throbbing, aching at the contact; wanting more. His hand moved only a fraction still not breaking the contact with his wrist and my hips gave an involuntary buck as my head fell back more. I found myself leaning back into the space between his body and the arm he was using to prop himself up.

        Opening my eyes briefly I could see that his gaze was focused on my sprawled body in front of him. Apparently my reaction was all that was needed because he pulled his hand back a bit more and the head of my cock found its way into the palm of his hand. My body shivered as his hand rotated so that his thumb was pressed over my slit. The same thumb that had stroked the back of my hand now pressed and drug over the tip of my head. The dryness of his thumb pulled at the light precum that had collected running back and forth, wiping it away and letting the drag continue. Glancing down at his hand, still not really believing that this was happening I saw that as his thumb passed over my slit again. I shivered as he did it again, and again. Every pass left a new sensation as waves of pleasure rippled through my groin. The mattress shifted and a jolt of panic swelled through me despite the fact that he hadn’t let go of me. As he shifted I leaned forward a bit out of the crook that I had been in. His arm that he had been leaning on slipped up and under my pillow; effectively pulling me back into and closer to him. I could feel his bare chest and legs pressed into me. My mind swelled with the increase of contact between his skin and my body. I felt a bulge of fabric pressing in between my cheeks, as my mind struggled to process anything but the throb of my cock. I couldn’t stand it any longer and I pressed my ass into his groin.

        His body tensed, but a soft moan reached my ears in the small space. His lips leaned into my ear and his breaths were coming in unsteady waves. His hand hadn’t stopped; his thumb kept circling around my head, up and over my slit and back down to make another sweep of my head. I was throbbing and shaking so bad I thought that I was going to die before he dipped to my shaft, let alone let me cum. I pressed my ass into him again and got met with a powerful thrust forward leaving his own hard cock pressed between my cheeks. His hand dropped from my head and encircled my shaft and thrusted back into me. The moan that escaped my lips was met with his left hand coming up from under my pillow to clamp roughly over my mouth; without letting his other hand stop. His thrusts kept coming, encircling, speeding up, tightening, then slowing back to tracing my head before picking back up again. With his hand firmly clamped on my mouth only smaller moans seemed to seep through his fingers. I reached up to pull his hand away from my mouth and met a resistance, but soon managed to pry a few of his fingers away so that I could speak in gasps.

                “Tay… God…. Pleassse… Ssttooppp….Stop teasing….” He didn’t stop, he ran his tongue along the back of my neck and down to my shoulder before drawing my skin into his mouth. My hips bucked forward into his hand and his hips bucked forward into my ass and his hand clamped back down over my mouth as another moan escaped my throat.

                “Shhhh….” There was so much in his tone, it dripped with lust, with warning, with an edge of something much darker. I whimpered into his hand as he dropped my throbbing cock and I felt his hand move behind me. _Oh god_. His hand trailed between us and I could feel the fabric of his briefs being moved. His hand gently brushed at the small of my back as he pulled it from between us. His left hand moved from my lips as his right hand came forward and up to my mouth. Without prompting I dropped my head and sucked his fingers into my mouth. I wanted to lube them but I just couldn’t stop sucking at his fingers, tasting the saltiness of not only my own pre-cum but what I was sure was his as well.

            I felt him moan into my neck and I didn’t stop, I dug my tongue between his fingers with all the force I could to pry them apart before sucking and running my tongue along their length. He started to pull back and I stopped sucking so there was hopefully some sort of lubrication left on them. His hand dipped behind me again and beneath my boxers. I felt not one but two of his fingers press into me. I tried to relax every muscle I had but my body wasn’t having it with how pent up I was. The pain was nothing compared to the pleasure that was running like electrical wires through my groin and down my cock. He didn’t stop or pause, but just continued the slow pace of pressing his fingers deep into me. His fingers paused before withdrawing again, which just caused another wave to cascade through me. I pushed back into him and his fingers slid farther in, stopping only when they hit my prostate and brought forth another moan from me.

                “Shhhhhh…” He paused again, but this time instead of withdrawing he began spreading his fingers, rotating them, spreading me. “You have to be quiet!” His voice was husky and as needy as I sounded.

                “Pl…Please….Taylor…” my voice sounded whinny on the edge of braking with how bad I wanted him. He pressed his fingers in deeper and once he reached my prostate again he began rubbing his fingers back and forth over it. I couldn’t stand it, my head fell back again settling on his shoulder, the side of my face pressed into his and every motion applied a slight pressure to my jawbone; I let the moans and the vibrations rocket through me. His right hand quickly jumped back to my mouth to muffle my moans. But I didn’t fucking care if Isaac woke and found us like this. I just didn’t want it to stop. But Taylor just pressed his hand over my lips harder trying to keep me quiet. His fingers were suddenly out of me and he began shoving my boxers down from my hips. It took a little bit of maneuvering but eventually we managed to get my boxers down around my knees. The sudden absence didn’t last long as I felt much more than his fingers at my entrance. My heart was pounding as I felt the pressure of his cock head slowly pressing into me. I wiggled around a bit managing to curl forward a bit more and he pressed and stretched me.

                “Are… You… Okay?” His words came out fast, almost fearful.

                “Yess..” I growled it around his fingers and pressed back into him. He stretched me wider as I felt his cock head slip completely in. I growled into his hand and he paused to give me a moment, but I couldn’t wait. I pressed back into him and felt the vibrations of his moan on my neck. His hand flew to my hip and held me firm. I knew he had been working out lately but his upper body strength truly amazed me. After a moment he slowly moved my hips, rocking them forward and back again. I let him guide me as I lost myself to the intense fullness. I followed his rhythm and begun to move on my own without his guidance. His hand slipped back around my cock and picked up his previous torture of my member. His hand continued to encircle me, speeding up, tightening, then slowing back to tracing my head before picking back up again, just like before but this time he was timing it with my backward thrusts. I clenched around him feeling the tug as he attempted to withdraw. His moan filled the space again and his cock throbbed. Relaxing, he slammed into me; I felt it coming fast, the wave, the split second of awareness that hits right before one cums. I was going to cum soon.

                “Ttt..Taylor..I….I…” I felt his hips rock forward as mine came back at the exact moment his fist pumped down into me….

 

CRACK

 

                My head made contact with the top of my bunk as my orgasm shook my entire body from head to foot. I pulled my pillow to my face to muffle the moan and the yell of pain that had escaped from my throat. The searing pain in my skull was reverberating back and forth from right behind my eyes to back behind my ears. My body fought back and forth as I felt the corresponding pain and a smaller orgasm hit. I could barely catch my breath and the damn pillow wasn’t helping much. Daring to be overheard I pulled the pillow from my face and saw the dance of scattering lights playing on my blurry vision. My eyes began to moisten with the pain that was shooting through my skull, the throb that was beating was making my vision ebb, and a slow spin of queasiness was starting. I felt the slight sway of the bus, as I lay covered head to toe in my own sweat and cum. The sway was subtle, yet my spinning head was having none of it.

 

 


	5. No Speed Limit

 

 

                The last thing I wanted to do was to move from the safety of my bunk but it really was only a matter of time before someone, most likely Taylor, came back to find me and something just didn’t feel right. My head was still spinning and the throbbing was really bringing me to the edge of tears. Grabbing hold of the wedged blanket I toss it back from my lap, sure enough there is a moist spot on my boxers and it was beginning to appear on my blanket. I hate the evidence of my nocturnal activities while on tour. I shove the blanket into the corner hoping that there isn’t a mark or a stain that I will have to explain come the end of the week. I pause to listen to the calm air in the bus as it continued to rattle down the highway. Inching closer to the small fabric wall that separated me from the world I felt another wave pass through my head. I felt sick and my vision seemed to be a bit worse as I moved. _Not right, slow, go slow._

                “Tay!?” my voice sounded weak to my ears, shaky. No answer. I grabbed the wall to my bunk hoping that it would give me a little bit of guidance, as I normally roll out of my bunk to land on my feet; which wouldn’t be an option right now. I started to pull myself out of the bunk when my vision went end over end and I lost my equilibrium. The smack of the impact made every part of my body scream out at me. But the one that took the stage was my stomach. The rush of nausea hit hard, instead of fighting to stay upright I let my body fall back to the floor of the bus. The cool floor was the only thing that was really keeping anything down. I clamped my eyes shut as the bunks started to morph together, creating a spinning smear of color with no true shape at all.

                “Taylor!!” I yelled out his name, there was a pause and the bus pulled off to the side of the road.

                “Take the wheel.” His words were almost lost on me; almost sounding like I was hearing him speak through water. The coolness of a hand on my face nearly made me open them again but I thought better.

                “Zac?” His voice was firm. Having seen me on some pretty fucked up nights had caused his voice to be tainted with the worry of what me falling from my bunk really meant. I covered his cool hand with mine. I returned to my thoughts of his hand from my dream, luckily the bus swerved a bit and brought on another slap of nausea. I couldn’t vocalize what it was that I needed but my hand responded for me quickly tapping on his and his reflexes were just as quick because as I rolled and felt the first heave. I found that the trash bin near his bunk had been placed perfectly under me. It was several moments of emptying my stomach and gasping for air.

                “What happened?” He was still a bit firm, he had already told me that if I wanted a drink here or there it was my decision but I just didn’t want to let him down. I didn’t want to hurt him again and that kept me from cracking open a cool one after every gig.

                “Hit my head… on the bunk…” I spoke in gasps before I felt another sway of the bus. _Fuck, why does he have to drive like its fucking Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride?_

                “What’s wrong with Zac?” Isaac’s voice yelled back from the driver’s seat as the bus swayed again.

                “He hit…”

                “He’s gonna vomit on your bunk if you don’t pull over or drive in a straight line!” I tried to get my voice to carry but between the heaves and how bad my head was throbbing, it didn’t make it past Taylor.

                “What did he say??”

                “Uhh, Pull over when you have a chance. He really hit his head.”

                “Is he bleeding?”

                “Just pull over Isaac!” Taylor’s patience seemed to reach its end finally. I opened my eyes to look over at him and quickly slammed my lids shut again. He was blurry and blending into the wood and red hues of our sleeping quarters.

                “Shhhhh…. It’s going to be okay.” His firm voice was instantly replaced by his calm tones that started to relax my body but did nothing for my vision or the nausea. I felt the bus drift to the side and I was grateful when it came to a rest. His hand slipped from my face and I could feel him move past me and turn the bathroom sink on. A few moments later Taylor placed a cool cloth over my neck and as he did droplets of water ran down my bare back; I hissed through my teeth as the cold water traveled.

                “Damn he knocked it good didn’t he?” Isaac had managed to find his way down the length of the bus to where I still sat huddled over the waste bin.

                “Yeah…” Taylor’s hand traveled to my back and whisked away the trails before they could disappear down my boxers.

                “What were you doing that you hit your head that hard?” The amusement and the accusation was plain, Isaac though worried about me, thought that I had injured myself while masturbating fiercely.

                “I didn’t do shit, it’s how I woke up!” The words were out of my mouth too quickly. I felt Taylor’s hand pause in its circular motions on my back. I knew that the words concerned him.

                “Another… dream?” The fear in his tone was evident; I think my dreams were the only thing beyond my drinking that ever scared Taylor. But I was in too far. If I said yes I would be lying, if I said no I would have to explain what I was really dreaming about.

                “I really don’t want to talk about it….” _A middle ground?_ I hoped that they wouldn’t press it. I didn’t see his hand but suddenly there was a sharp pain that whipped through my head that sent me back over the waste bin.

                “Really Isaac?”

                “He knocked it good; the fans will probably see it tonight.” I didn’t want to look at him, but my head tilted up and I could feel my brow straighten as I managed to open my eyes enough to glare daggers at his smiling face. His face started to distort and I slammed my lids closed again _. How hard did I fucking hit my head?_

                “Zac!!....Zac!!!” Taylor’s voice was rattling sharply in my skull. I slowly opened my eyes and the edges were dark, spotted even. Taylor was inches from my face and I could smell my own vomit on my breath as I breathed. I quickly closed my lips together; there was nothing I could do about my breath. His hand was on my face the other on my chest. His face was no more than a foot away from me and his brilliant blue eyes under those damn contacts were growing dark. My vision was growing dark.

                “Tay?” my voice cracked and my hand flew to my chest to cover his.

                “Sit with him!” I felt his hand try to leave my chest. _No_ … I clamped my fingers into his hand, nearly lacing a few fingers in the process to keep him with me. “Zac I have to get you to the ER.” I groaned, but I let go of his fingers. His footsteps reverberated through the floor and my head as he walked briskly back to the front of the bus. I hate Doctors, I really don’t know anyone who likes doctors but something about being in the white rooms that smell of decay and disinfectant always makes me feel worse than I did before I got there.

                “Do we need to?” I felt the bus pull away and start down the street at a fast yet smooth pace. Where the hell he thought he was going to park the damn thing was beyond me.

                “I don’t think you have a choice anymore, you threw up and you blacked out. You sure you didn’t just get shit faced last night?” His words hurt. I had worked hard not to drink; I was working hard not to drink.

                “I didn’t drink.”

 *******************************************************************************************************************************************

 

                I made my way to the front of the bus in record time, and dropped into the driver’s seat. Taking a steadying breath I pulled myself together. _Come on, get it together. Step one? Hospital._ I punched the location button on the GPS and hit hospital, and soon the electronic devise popped up with a few locations nearby. I kicked the bus into life and pulled back into traffic. The last time I had seen Zac throw anything up he had been three sheets to the wind. So drunk he couldn’t stand let alone walk. It was a memory that played so heavy on my mind that I had begged him to get sober. It had been also been the last time that I felt myself so close to tears; that I might actually be watching my brother dying in front of me. I could feel the bus floating through traffic, passing lights and cars effortlessly, yet at the same time I could feel the dangerous speed at which I was taking us. I was well over the speed limit and the level of anxiety was only growing with each turn and each red light that I was forced to stop at. _I need to get him to the hospital, now._

                “Taylor, How much longer?” Isaac’s voice carried forward and there was an edge to his voice that he rarely carried. It was more like our mother’s, level yet colored with the edge of something else.

                “I’m not sure why?”

                “Went out again.” Fear flooded my core, every nerve I had went ice cold and my foot pressed down on the accelerator again. _I can't lose Him!_ The moments ticked as I felt my breathing beginning to come in short gasps. _Stop!_ I inhaled and held my breath, 1,2,3,4,5 and exhaled. _Stop._ I brought my focus to the road, not the time. My breathing was still shaky but I was so close, WE were so close. _I can do this._ The red Emergency sign flashed off to my right and I quickly changed lanes so that I could pull right on in to the emergency area and parked just off to the side of the curb. Running back to them I could see Isaac holding Zac against the wall as they managed to get a shirt over his head, his jeans were still lying on the floor though.

                “I got him.” Isaac nodded and I could tell by the look on his face that he was completely out of his element. Had he really never had to redress Zac after a night of drinking? I took Isaac’s place and Zac’s eyes were tightly closed and his Jaw was locked tight. Dipping down I grabbed his pants and tapped his right leg, his hands settled on my shoulders and edging in the back of my mind I could feel the uncomfortable closeness between us. We managed it though, first one leg than the next. The only difference between right now and the drunken nights is that I knew we both would remember me zipping his fly. His face was mostly pale except for a few splotches of pink on his cheeks. Putting my arm around him I guided him to the front door and tossed Isaac the keys.

                “Find a spot.” I didn’t give him a chance to say anything; I just took our brother out and through the emergency doors.

 

*******************************************************************************************************************************************

 

      I’m not sure how long it took us to get to the hospital; I have to say I am shocked though as it felt like it had only been mere moments. But as we came in it became apparent that Taylor was going to make sure that I got in and taken care of as quick as possible. My vision was starting to settle and the spots were disappearing; though the edges were still a bit blurry. We passed through the electronic doors and Taylor guided me past the security guard and straight to a chair in the semi crowded waiting room. He left and came back with a pamphlet of papers and started filling out all my information. I watched as his normally smooth script scratched and etched in a blurring fashion out my name, age and any medical information that he could bring to mind. The throb in my head begun to deepen and I closed my eyes; bracing for another bout of nausea. The chair next to me moved and I could feel Isaac’s awkward hand on my shoulder. I gave him a slight smile to let him know I was still aware of everything.

     “I found a spot. It’s in the shopping center across the way.” His tone seemed awkward too, like he was trying to find some sort of levity to what was going on.

      “Thanks Isaac.” Taylor’s chair moved and I snuck a glance to my left. The back of Taylor’s form was standing at the nurse’s intake station as he gave over all the papers. He returned quickly and within moments his leg was tapping repeatedly in his growing irritation.

 

*******************************************************************************************************************************************  

 

          My blood was beginning to boil. The nurse had seemed completely nonchalant as I handed over the paperwork. I quickly turned and headed back to where Isaac and Zac were sitting. Zac’s head was still tipped back and though I could have sworn I had seen the slightest glimpse of his eyes, they were closed again and his jaw as glued shut. Sitting next to him I felt his head roll a bit and rest on my shoulder. Then it dipped heavily. Pulling away from him I saw the fear in Isaac’s eyes as Zac passed out again. My body reacted, pulling away completely I reached over and slapped the hell out of Zac’s leg. His body jerked and he doubled forward into Isaac’s and my own bracing arms.

     “Zac!” Grabbing his chin roughly I forced his face up. “Look at me.” His eyes fluttered open long enough to make a solid eye contact with me before closing tightly.

     “Hold his hand if he loses grip slap his leg.” I watched as Isaac grabbed hold of our brother’s hand and forced the contact. Getting up I half ran over to the nurse’s station again.

                “Look he just passed out again for the third time. You find me a bed now!” she stared at me like I had lost my mind and I could feel the presence of the security guard coming up on my right.

                “Sir, you need to calm down.”

       “Did you not hear anything I have just said?”

      “I heard what you said, we are a little over booked and we will get you in as soon as possible.”

      “No, you listen to me. My brother takes priority, or you will have so much media coverages and lawsuits up your asses that you won’t be able to work as a school nurse.” I could feel my body edging to its limit of control. A male doctor came up behind her and waved the guard away.

     “Put him in room 23, it just became available.” His eyes never left mine as he spoke, a commanding gaze that attempted to strip me of my power in one look.

 

 

 


	6. Steril Walls

 

    The yellowing white walls and the crinkle of the paper beneath me only made me feel worse. The paper crinkled for the 8th time and Isaac jumped from his seat.

     “I’m gonna be in the waiting room.” He marched out of the room. I didn’t blame him, my fidgeting was enough to drive most people insane but normally I don’t have a large white stretch of paper moving too. I glanced over at Taylor and he gave me a weak smile, he was in control mode. His eyes were dead set on not giving anything away and the way his fingers kept tapping on his leg making it apparent that he was getting pissed with the staff. I reached up and felt the tender spot on my forehead. The goose egg was huge and without a doubt it would be there for a few days. The smell hit me before I realized the door had opened, a new wave of sickly sterilized air being pushed in through the hall, carrying the sickening taste of illness as the Doctor walked in and it turned my stomach once again. Swallowing hard I tried to steady my breathing.

     “Okay so it says here that you hit your head and blacked out?” The male doctor looked to be in his 40s, his dark hair had taken on the start of the salt and pepper look that he clearly wasn’t trying to hide like others his age. All in all he was a good looking guy even if his voice sounded like this was a waste of his time. The time he could better be using elsewhere on a case that had a bouncy cheerleader instead of an awkward 18 year old kid.

     “I hit my head on my bunk, fell out of it, threw up a few times before I saw the fading light that led me to the dark side…. Yeah.” The effort of my comeback made my head hurt. Glancing over at Taylor though it was clear that he didn’t find it funny though; his lips were set in a straight line and his eyes were giving away very little. It was serious, we both knew it, and we both knew that my sarcasm wasn’t helpful.

     “Zac has night terrors, sometimes he sits bolt up in bed. It is an unconscious reaction.” Bless Taylor for trying to explain and smooth over my comment at the same time. I just pulled my lids shut and tried to block out the glaring light, I slowly lowered myself back, trying to also separate myself from the irritating doctor.

     “You have night terrors?” This is why I hate doctors; they seem to hear half of what is said and focus instead on the one bit of information that really has no relevance. “You are….” He checks the chart on the computer, “18 and you still have night terrors?”

     “Yes I have night terrors; that is not out of the usual. What is, is the black out. Look can you just scan my head and make sure I will be okay to go on stage tonight?”

     “If you blacked out you shouldn’t go anywhere, you should…”

     “Zac you are not going on stage tonight, I can't believe you would even think that would be an option at this point.” Taylor’s words cut deep into my heart. Opening my eyes again I could see the wild look in his eyes, full of panic and fear of what I wasn’t sure but defiantly fear. I couldn’t take that look any longer and turned to the doctor instead.

     “I did black out.” I sat up from the exam table and looked him dead in the eyes. My sudden movement caused my stomach to somersault again and I locked my jaw. The added benefit is that it probably gave me a more menacing look.

     “Zac,” Taylor’s warning flooded me with guilt and I leaned back into the table again. My head was swimming, the nausea was getting close to my limit and I saw the edge of my vision starting to fuzz. Taylor always reading me before I really know what is happening; thrusted a pink container into my hands as I jerked forward and heaved up the water he tried to get me to drink while waiting.

     “Please would you just check him out? If we need to cancel a show we can cancel a show, that isn’t my concern right now. What is my concern is if my brother seriously cracked his skull.” Trust Taylor to talk to the doc and to me at the same time in the same breath. Scold me about my concern for the show and tell the doctor to do his job in one swift statement.

     “Fine I will order an MRI and then you can be on your way.” He turned and walked out.

     “Tay…”

     “I can't believe you would even be worried about the show. You blacked out three times, vomited anything that is in your stomach, and you can hardly keep your eyes open.” I winced at his words and felt all my fight leave my body. I could handle many things from many different people. But the guilt and shame from him was always the worst. I would rather have my ass beaten from an inch of my life than feel this.

     “Tay…” my voice shook as I spoke and I could feel the lump rising in my throat. He sighed and leaned on the table.

      “Zac, you have to be okay. Alright?” I nodded lightly afraid that my words would crack again.

 

 **************************************************************************************************************************************** 

 

     He seemed so young, so frail and I felt guilty for scolding him. But He had always been like that. It could be a cold or a broken nose and he still wanted to play. I got it, he breathed music just as much as I did, but he could be so careless when it came to his own health. I patted his arm. A few moments passed before a technician came in to take him away. As soon as he left the room I left to find Isaac. He was in the waiting room absentmindedly drumming his fingers on the armrest.

     “Hey how is he?”

     “The doctor is a class act, and Zac is already trying to get me to let him go on stage tonight.” He nodded as if this didn’t surprise him.

     “So is Zac’s head okay?”

     “Don’t know yet. They are doing an MRI right now; so we should know in a few hours. I guess.”

     “It will be okay, Zac has hit his head more times than I can count. He has a thick skull; it will take more than a bump to keep him out of commission.” I looked over at my elder brother; though he was older it was usually me doing the comforting. Though I hardly found comfort in the words he was speaking. Even if what he said was true, when Zac was 4 he ran into the corner of the dining room table when he took the corner to quickly, had fallen from God knows how many trees and had even knocked his head on the wall adjacent to every bed he has ever slept in; the kid was nearly as accident prone as I was.     

     “That’s my worry Isaac. He blacks out and he still wants to go out on stage. He never tells us what is going on and when we find out something is wrong it is always at the last minute. For all we know he has been hitting his head all summer.”

     “So he is acting like you.” It took me a moment to absorb what he said. The thought that Zac was treating his maladies like I would treat my own just pisses me off.

     “That’s different.”

     “Taylor you had sinus infection for over a month last fall and you insisted on practicing the entire time.” He smiled lightly to take the sting from his words. “Zac likes to play. Telling him no is just going to piss him off, when in the end you know he is going to bait you into letting him go on stage.” I get up and start heading back to the door to the patient rooms. I can't hear anymore.    

     “You know I am right.” I hadn’t been more than five feet away from him; I paused in acknowledgement and then kept going. I hated that Isaac was right and I hated that Zac would try and bait me into letting him get on stage. But most of all I hated that Zac had picked up my bad habits.

     Walking back into the small room I could see Zac laying on the bed drumming out the intro to some random song. He looked almost cheery and I wondered if this was going to be his tactic. Show me that nothing is wrong so that he could go on stage tonight. I sat down in the chair and let him continue on with his tapping. It was easier than to get into another argument with him at this point.     

     The minutes seemed to tick by as he moved from one tap sequence to another, each time the tapings were becoming more and more irritating to my system. I could catch the beats and some of them sounded familiar where one sounded completely new. How he was managing to keep them separate was a complete mystery to me. I glanced at my watch and realized that it had been over an hour since he had gone back for his MRI. I sighed and rubbed my temples. The tapping stopped.

     “Sorry Tay.” I looked over at him and saw that he was sitting up and actually looking at me. “You know, they are probably doing this on purpose. They didn’t like that we demanded service. So they are taking their dear sweet time in giving us the results.”

     “Be patient, I am sure they will be back soon.” As if on cue the male doctor came back in to the room with a chart in hand.     

     “Well you have some swelling. But as far as I can see, there is absolutely nothing wrong.” A nurse came in behind him with some paperwork and handed it to Zac.

     “You’re sure there is nothing wrong.” I couldn’t help but doubt his words but my attention kept being drawn away from him and to the woman talking to Zac as he signed papers. _Their discharging him_. I felt my blood boil.

     “That’s what I said. Nothing wrong with the MRI, and he seems to be perfectly fine. Just check in with his primary when you guys get home.” He turned and walked out of the room.

     “Uhh… is there another doctor on duty that can look at his file?” the nurse looked at me and though she looked a bit sympathetic she shook her head.

     “I am sorry Mr. Hanson, he is the on call doctor for this morning.” She snipped my brother’s hospital bracelet and left the room.    

     “Well, aren’t they cheery.” He smiled weakly at me and though there was a smile on his face and nearly everything about his demeanor said he was fine. There was a softness to his eyes that told me he was in pain.

     “Are you okay?”

     “I’m fine Tay, come on. Let’s get out of here.” He got up and lead the way out.

 

 


	7. Knowing Limits

 

                “Taylor I can do the show!” I could feel the heat in my face and the slight edge to my voice as I argued with him. We had reached the venue, but we had all of 15 minutes to decide if we were actually going to cancel or not. The fans were already lined up and I didn’t want to disappoint them. Sure they would probably understand but I didn’t want to test that theory.

                “Zac you blacked out several times today. You expect us to go out there, put you under the lights, and next to the speakers after that??” His voice rose above mine and his hand gestures, which were usually an endearing quality, were becoming increasingly irritating.

                “We can't cancel, we need this gig. I will be fine, there are breaks and if we hit one and I can't do it I will tell you.” _Shit_. I didn’t want to make a promise to him but that’s how it came out; me promising that if I couldn’t do it I would tell him. I sighed, I could feel the pressure in my head increasing and I knew that the throb behind my eyes was only going to get worse once I was on stage. _Just don’t tell him._ I felt the nudge of guilt at the thought of lying to my brother again. But even with the guilt nudging harder, I swallowed the decision and stood my ground.

                “Tay, let me try.” I dropped my voice from the defiant; I am right tone to pleading with him.

                “Taylor if he thinks he can do it….?” Isaac’s voice carried over from the couch in the dressing room. I almost wish he hadn’t spoken up. I don’t fight with Tay all that often and when it is in front of Isaac it always feels as if we are an unfolding soap opera and he is just waiting to see how we fall apart.

                “Fine! But so help me if you pass out on stage or…” As he spoke his hand came up again from his side to emphasize his words; I reached out and grabbed his hand. I shouldn’t have, I know that. Yet as my fingers intertwined in his I saw him freeze. I was breaking the unspoken rule that always seemed to be standing between us. For the last few years it had become increasingly apparent that our excess of touching made people uncomfortable. Taylor, who had picked up on it quicker than I had, had been making less and less contact with me because of it. It made sense when we were in front of our fans but when it was just the band I didn’t see the reason for it. Or at least I hadn’t cared as much if Isaac felt uncomfortable or not. But the contact between us had been hard to come by at all since he had moved out and now every skin on skin contact was like an intense form of communication for us. It held so much more than the words that fell from our lips, it commanded attention.

                “Tay, if it gets bad I will tell you. But we need this, we have fought too hard and too long for this tour.” It was the truth; Underneath was proving to be our most difficult recording and tour to date. Or rather the recording, once we booked our gigs and actually started it had been going so smooth that this bump actually made sense. I felt his body tense and start to relax, that is, until we both became aware of Isaac’s eyes boring into us. I dropped Taylor’s hand quickly and an awkward feeling began climbing up my spine.

                “So we go on.” Isaac broke the awkward silence with more awkwardness before getting up to go let the manager of the place know that we were still on. Leaving me and Taylor alone in the empty space; the silence stretched and I thought it was going to consume us both. I moved away from Taylor and made my way to the small sofa in the room; I needed to put space between us after grabbing his hand like that. His mouth opened and like a fly to honey my eyes snapped to his lips, watching as they closed and opened again before he actually spoke.

                “Zac…. Are you okay? I mean really okay, you have been in your head a lot lately.” The last portion fell out of his mouth so quickly that I almost didn’t catch what it was that he said. I shook my head a bit, partially to clear my head and partially to ease the tension in my neck. He moved over and sat next to me, his knee brushing my knee only just enough to register the contact. My mind raced. His knee, his hands, eyes, lips, breath, hair, words…. I shook my head to clear the space again.

                “This tour, its…. Its just different. New, not bad but just new.” I needed to keep hold of myself, I dropped my gaze from his lips to my hands in my lap; mapping every line that crisscrossed over it, looking at the faint scars and the calluses. That sentence hardly made any sense to me; I hoped that he would understand what I meant. His arm came up and around me, the rustle and the movement brought me into the crook between his arm and his torso. I could feel every muscle tense, so close to him. I could smell him. The slight spiciness that mixes with the deodorant and the cologne that he uses every day; I melt into his scent, into him. His body tensed and then relaxed into me as well. This is new for both of us. The contact between us has been so limited to a quick hug or a grasped hand that this full body contact filled me with euphoria. The door flew open and sent us both into a tense state as our oblivious brother walked into the room.

                “Okay so they are setting the stage up, sound check is in ten and then we go on. We are running a little behind so sound check will have to be quick….is everything okay?” he seemed to just realize that we were sitting on the couch that he had vacated. Taylor’s arm had moved the moment after he had walked in but we were still sitting really close considering the vastness of the couch.

                “Yep, Hey Isaac is there soda in that fridge?” Isaac looked at me a moment before leaning toward the mini fridge next to him; opening the mini fridge and handing me a Mt. Dew. He doesn’t normally cave and hand me what I am asking for. It is always a little weird, me asking something of him and him giving it to me without question. Today it is probably because I hit my head or maybe he finally realized he walked in on something. Either way the slight puzzlement on his face was only there for only a moment longer.

 

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                The show raced along, and even though my head was pounding like a mad man on the drums. We kept going though. The lights were the worst, the constant changing colors and the bright to darkness and back were what was causing me to look down at my lap today vs. trying not to look at my brother’s perfect ass. The pain in my head didn’t keep me down though, and after a few songs I was standing at full attention. Taylor was going to come up to me as soon as we hit our first break and ask me if I was okay and there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t run off stage and lock myself in the small bathroom this time. My heart raced as the lights dimmed and Taylor announced to the crowd at large that we would be back after a quick break. Tonight we had set it up so that we could pause at once instead of during someone’s solo so we could check in with how I was doing. I got up and followed Isaac off stage but as soon as we were on the other side of the curtain Taylor grabbed my hand and pulled me aside.

                “How are you feeling?” I could feel the flush entering my cheeks. My erection was pressing into the tight confines of my jeans and Taylor was leaning in so that we could hear each other. I shifted and he shifted unconsciously with me. Even though we have become unaccustomed to closeness our bodies seemed to always move as one.

                “I….I’m good.” My voice cracked as I started to speak. I could feel the sweat accumulating at the back of my neck. My eyes shot to his neck and the beads of his sweat lingering there before falling one by one to drip down before reaching his collar. A bit hanging on the light scruff on his jaw, my breathing caught. His hand came up and settled on my shoulder and he leaned in closer. My breathing sounded erratic to my own ears, the beating of my heart louder than the excited fans around the corner and every inch of my body seemed on edge of being completely pressed into him.

                “Zac, promise you’re okay?” His breath came out and hit my neck; his body was so close I could smell the spiciness winning the battle over the deodorant. My head swam, I love that scent. I leaned in so that I could answer and misjudged our distance and felt my jaw drag on the day old scruff on his own jaw. It took every part of my mind to force any words forward. But now I needed to speak. _Speak, Damn it!_

                “I promise Taylor.” When I spoke it came out huskier than I meant it too and when I pulled back Taylor’s eyes were dark, darker than I have seen them in months. I tried to step back but his hand on my shoulder kept me from going anywhere, those dark eyes scared me. What had I done, had he finally figured me out? My heart raced and I could feel every vein in my body screaming; a level of absolute panic setting through my entire core.

                “You two coming?” Isaac’s voice yelled across the small hall to us. Taylor’s hand dropped from my shoulder and gave Isaac a small wave in response. Taylor’s eyes never left mine though and the darkness was whipping like a storm. A storm of what I wasn’t sure but a storm none the less and one that I felt like I desperately needed to escape from. Out of the corner of my vision I saw Isaac begin walking out on stage, I darted my eyes over to focus on him then back at Taylor; hoping that the subtle gesture would be enough to get him to move. But his vision didn’t alter as my eyes came back to rest on his.

 

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            His brown eyes darted to where I was sure Isaac was starting to walk on stage. But I couldn’t let this go. His husky voice was something I had so rarely heard that it always seemed to signify something, yet I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. His eyes were beginning to turn fearful, and the lingering sensation of his jaw on mine was further etching itself into my memory. His tongue darted out momentarily to pull his lower lip between his teeth; the edge of his lip in the semi darkness was becoming pinker with the pressure.

         “Taylor!” Isaac hollered again. I pulled my hand from Zac’s shoulder and he moved cautiously to the side before rushing toward our brother. Watching him go I had no choice but to follow their lead. Walking back out on stage the crowed surged with excitement again. Looking down at the keys of the piano, I felt out of sorts. Glancing back over at Zac I could see him poised waiting for us to begin the intro. Nearly all traces of fear had been wiped from his face. Changing position I moved to the keyboard instead and begin playing Penny and Me. I heard my brothers follow suit to the song change from the set list, and continued to watch as the fans sang along with us. Glancing behind me again I could see Zac playing with me. He seemed perfectly fine.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	8. Elevator Rides

 

     “Hey, I need an actual bed tonight.” Pack up had taken longer than usual and by the time we got back to the bus it was clear that all three of us were exhausted. I smiled at Taylor, because though we made most decisions as a band; choosing to stay at a hotel was left to Taylor as he handled the budget for tour.

     “Well there is no way I am going to argue with you.” Isaac walked down near the bunks and began to pack up an overnight bag. It had been almost three weeks since the last hotel and all of our backs were pretty trashed. All I knew was that the idea of sleeping another night in my bunk sounded like a chance at fate that I would fall from it again. Grabbing my computer I brought up a list of hotels.

     “Just choose something reasonable and tell me the address.” I couldn’t help my shock, Taylor’s relinquish of control filled me with a chance to prove to him that I could choose something that fit our needs as well as be economical. The selection wasn’t much but I eventually found one that I felt good about. It was really nice and the price seemed right around what he usually chose.

     It took us only a few minutes to get to the hotel and once we got to the front desk we were all ready to fall into our own cushy beds. The receptionist was nice enough handing us each our small electronic cards that have become society’s keys. I stuff it in my pocket with only a quick glance at my room number before noticing that Taylor had the same number. I felt the flood of nervousness as we headed through the lobby. The interaction during our break was still fresh in my mind. _Is that why he wants to be alone? So he can ask me what that was?_ I could feel the edge of panic coming back up. The elevators were just ahead. _Calm down, you’re over reacting again._

     Once inside the elevator though, I am overcome with the urge to press every number before our floor. I look at Isaac; he was staring off into the metallic doors and seemed completely lost in his thoughts. Glancing over to my right I saw that Taylor seemed pretty tired but also seemed to be in his head. Taylor’s eyes didn’t seem too dark and I hoped that the small bit of darkness was only due to his lack of sleep. _Fuck it._ I reached over to the panel without even looking at it. As my fingers brush along the small metal indentations I give a little push; Taylor’s fingers wrapped around my wrist firmly and pull it back. His response was too late though and three of the little numbers were lit up. I sheepishly look over into Taylor’s eyes and I half expect to find the same storm of darkness in his eyes from earlier but instead there is a bright amused look to them.

         “Really Zac?!” Isaac must have seen the little lights and he looked like he could knock me one right there. So with my left hand I reached over and poked another number. Taylor’s other hand dropped his bag handle and grabbed my wrist and pulled both of my hands together so they crisscrossed one another.

       “Zac!” He tried so hard to be firm in his scold but the amusement in his face told me that he wasn’t upset at all. I smiled and tugged my hands back and Taylor pulled back. He had the same smile spread across his face, an amused loving smile that told me any part of the darkness he had earlier was locked away in a box for the time being. We began a tug of war over my wrists and hands. The elevator stopped on all four consecutive floors while Taylor and I battled in a flurry of freed then restrained hands while I tried to punch as many more buttons as I could. All the while Isaac looked at us like we were a bunch of misbehaved animals. By the time we landed on our floor the panel was lit up to go up thee more floors and then on its decent it should hit another two. Isaac pushed out of the elevator before us, fearing I am sure that he would have to ride up before he would be able to reach our floor again. Taylor grabbed his bag and my arm and pulled me from the box before the doors could shut on us. The exertion left my head aching but I tried to push it from my thoughts, as Taylor’s smile was reaching every corner of his face. It was a rare occurrence and one that I truly love to see. My heart sped up as he walked next to me to our room. I kept glancing over at him, his smile hadn’t disappeared and it made him look so much younger and freer.

                The room was like most hotel rooms, loud bedspread that attempted to match the wall décor, a desk with a chair, TV, and a lone cushy chair off to the side of the room; plus the bathroom. We have a process Tay and me; and truth be told I have the better deal. I kick my shoes off and find a cushy spot to sit, today the corner chair, while he starts to unpack. We will be checking out tomorrow so we don’t really have much to unpack tonight, mostly just the bathroom stuff. But all the same I watch as Taylor opens his bag and pulls out his shaving cream, razor, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, our toothbrushes, toothpaste and body washes. He lines them up on the counter and in the tub before heading over to the bed closest to me.

                “It wasn’t all the buttons, I have to try harder next time.” A smile spread across his lips. I love to make him smile. He always has a special smile for me when I act like I am 6 years old. It’s a mixture of pride, longing and love. It’s my smile and I love it.

                “Good luck with that. I don’t think Isaac will be riding the elevator with you anytime soon though.” He pulls his foot up to start undoing his shoe. They are in their usual double tie and soon I find that I have taken his foot from his knee and set it on my leg. I start tugging and undoing the knot. I feel at peace, when we are like this just him and me, locked away from the world in our little space. After a bit I manage to free both laces from each other and slip his shoe and sock off before moving to the other foot.

                “What are you thinking?” his voice pulls me from the concentration of shoe laces and I glance up at him.

                “Nothing really, just happy.”

                “How’s your head?” _My head?_ It took me a moment to remember why he was asking me about my head. Then it just irritated me. It hurts, but it’s nothing I can't handle.

                “My head is fine, really. I just bumped the hell out of it.” I smiled; the idea that I could bump the hell out of it was too comical. If I bumped hell out of my head then I should be able to shake you lose from every reach of my mind.

                “Why are you smiling?”

                “No reason, just happy.” I pulled his other shoe and sock free and grabbed his heel. I brought his foot up and he toppled back onto the bed, I kissed his big toe and let his foot go.

                “God you are brave Zac.” His laugh had filled the room but the look on his face was pure puzzlement.

                “Why?”

                “I haven’t showered yet and you kissed my sweaty foot.” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. But I like his feet, they are longer than mine, his toes as well. I moved from my cushy chair and came to rest on the other side of him. It dawns on me that we haven’t been this close where no one was in months. I feel my eyes drop to my lap and then there is a lump in my chest. His arm came away from his body, a movement that I just barely caught out of the side of my eyes. Looking back at him I can fully see him spread out on the bed, one arm bent behind his head and the other leaving enough room for me to crawl up to him. My heart swells and I moved to him wrapping my arm around his middle and finding my own area in between his arm and torso. I let go like I had in the dressing room, I melt into his form and let him hold my body as I drip into him. His spicy scent has over ridden his deodorant and my head swims in the palatable deliciousness of him. He sighed, his body started to relax. It has been hard to find time like this for us. A close cuddling that brings me nearly to pieces when we have to pull away that I nearly don’t want it because the pull away is sometimes too much.

                “Zac….” His head tilted so his lips were pressed into my hair, his lips brushing my scalp and sending shivers through me as my name fell from his lips.

                “hmmmm?”

                “I have to shower.” I groaned, I had just gotten comfortable.

                “Take it tomorrow.”

                “You want to lie next to my smelly ass all night?” Nearly all of his words were lost on me, all I heard was his ass and I was picturing his ass outlined in those tight white jeans that he is so fond of these days. “Well??”

                “You don’t smell bad.” I tried to be matter of fact but I know it didn’t come out that way because I leaned in closer.

                “I need a shower.” He tugged the arm I was laying on back and my head fell to the bed. I groaned at him again but rolled in time to watch his ass before he disappeared into the bathroom and to hide the slight bulge that I was sporting. I pulled myself up from the bed and glanced around the room. I just wanted to be back at home right now snug in his bed with him, then I remind myself that he moved out and I feel drained again. But all I have is tonight before we are back on the bus and in the presence of our older brother. I begin tugging off my socks; it will be my turn for a shower next.

Soon the steam is rushing from the bathroom as Taylor strolls out, he is practically surrounded by the steam like in some rock video and all he has on is the towel wrapped around his mid-section. I can't help but stare as he moves away from the door frame to the bag with his clean clothes. He turns around briefs in hand and his deep blue eyes meet mine.

                “You going to shower?” The question was about the shower but it was also a question for me to advert my eyes if I wasn’t.

                “Hmm… Yeah.” I grab my clothes from my bag and go quickly into the bathroom hoping that my hard on went unnoticed. I could feel the water on my bare foot about the same time I realized that I was falling. I fling my arm out to catch the counter and felt my fingertips brush the cool counter as my head made contact with the damp tile floor. The pain was blinding, and the sickening crack that sounded made me want to throw up.

 

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                Crack.

                I felt sick as I turned and rushed the bathroom corner. Zac was laying in the center of the bathroom floor, his hand was over his face and I could see it shaking as it blocked out all the light in the room.

                “Zac?!?” I dropped to the ground next to him and pressed my hand to his face. He didn’t say a word and his breathing was incredibly shallow as his chest heaved.

“Zac talk to me!” I rose my voice to grab his attention. _Please, please don’t blackout._ His hand slowly uncovered his eyes and his eyes seemed to be focusing and refocusing as he tried to look at me. Closing his eyes again he smiled weakly. His eyes opened again and his brow came together, his face contorted into confusion as he gazed past me.

“T..Tay…” His voice shook as he spoke. “I… gotta go to the hospital.” My stomach dropped at the fear in his voice.

“Talk to me.”

“I… I can't see you.”

 


	9. What Does that Mean

 

                “Traumatic Optic Neuropathy, it occurs when a head injury causes fluid to press on your optic nerves.” The cool crisp voice of the female doctor filled the small stuffy room. My headache was starting to lessen but that was only due to the shot they gave me 30 minutes ago.

                “What does that mean for Zac?” Taylor was trying so hard to keep his voice even; his soft tones meant that he was trying to keep it together, hell I didn’t even know what the hell the young doctor was saying.

                “It means that had the other doctor looked at the MRI correctly, Zac should have gone into surgery immediately. According to what you have told me and what our MRI says; when Zac…”

                “I am blind not absent from the room.” The silence that fell through the room was sickening; apparently my harsh comment was too soon for my brother to stomach because I heard him shift uncomfortably next to me.

                “I am sorry. When you hit your head the second time, the pressure of the fluid increased and pressed more on your nerves. What we do now is we take you into surgery, drain the fluid behind your eyes and see how bad the damage is. Best case you will regain a fair amount of your vision back. Worst, you may be blind, that’s why we have to get you into surgery now. This cannot wait any longer.” Her insistent tone wasn’t lost on me. This had to be done and after it was done god knows what would happen.

                “Surgery.” My voice didn’t sound like mine. It sounded small, distant, completely dead. “I am sorry Tay.”

                “Why are you apologizing? This isn’t your fault Zac.” I felt him move so he was standing in front of me. The hot tears fell down my face. I felt sick. I jumped when his hand tilted my face up so that he was staring into my face. “Don’t apologize. It’s going to be just fine…” he kissed the top of my head and let go of my face and instead took my hand.

                “Okay, I am going to go put in the paper work and then we will have you in surgery in a little bit.” I felt her cool long fingers grasp my forearm. As her hand pulled away I thought I could make out long nails as they grazed my arm before I heard the door close behind her.

                “Tay…I…” my voice chocked around my words and I closed my mouth as I felt the lump threatening to overtake me. _I would not lose it. I had to keep it together._

                “Shhhh…” His arm came up and pulled me into his chest. I shut down. I let go, let all my emotion stop. I know it would scare my brother but at this point I just have to stop.

 

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       All I could do was hold him and feel his body shake under my arms. His face buried further into my chest then, nothing. His whole body just stopped like some outside force had ripped all emotion from him. I felt myself scream inside. _Oh God no._ I had tried like hell to never let him shutdown, to make sure that he never used one of my well-practiced methods of dealing with shit. I had tried to make sure that nothing harmed him. His drinking had been my ‘let him find his own path’, it hadn’t gone too well but he came out stronger.

      “Zac?” I felt my voice choke around his name. My mind was screaming at me to shake him from the calm that flooded through him like a dying storm. _Shake him, damn it._ He didn’t answer. “Zac.” I hoped my voice sounded firmer despite the dropping feeling that was coursing through my body. I pulled away from him and held him at arm’s length.

     “Zac, it is going to be okay.” I pressed my palm to his damp face, the flushed splotches ebbing away into his paling skin.

      “How?” The light dead cold sound that fell from my brothers smooth lips chilled me to the bone. How could he have given up hope already? Nothing was certain until after the doctors had drained the fluid.

     “We just have to wait.” I pressed my lips to his forehead; I could feel his heated skin on my lips. He felt like he was on fire siting on the edge of the cold bed. The door opened and I took a step back from my brother to see the young brunette doctor and a nurse enter with a needle and a small glass vile.

      “The nurse is going to give you a shot Zac; you need to lie down on the bed because it is going to act really fast.” Her dark pink lips formed the words that she so desperately spoke to put him at ease. If she really knew how bad he hated doctors she would understand how hard it was for him to trust them. He bumped my hip as he swung his legs up onto the bed and lay back though. He didn’t utter a word. Instead his deep brown eyes seemed to lock onto the ceiling and past everyone. I saw the hardened façade crack only for a moment to see the utter fear as the nurse stuck the needle into his arm. In absolute darkness my brother only knew what we said and in the absence of words there was just pain. His lower lip shivered and I saw the thin line of salty tears line his lower eyelid; threatening to fall over and cascade down his soft cheeks.

     “Shhhh…. It’s going to be okay.” I brushed my fingers under his eyes and caught the tears before they spilled over and his frightened eyes darted off to the side, desperately looking for me. My chest fell into the vice and I wanted to cry.

     “Love you Tay.” His small voice reminded me so much of when he was a small boy, cracking just after ‘you’.

     “Love you too.” The edges of his eyes started to soften and his death grip on my hand dipped to almost nothing as the drug took effect. Everything moved as if in a fast pace movie after that. The nurse dropped the bed down and started to wheel him out before I could move. My body seemed to be propelled down the hall after them of its own accord though.

     “Wait!!” my frantic voice sounded nothing like my own as it yelled after the nurse and the doctor. It echoed off the walls and down the hall towards them. I reached the bed with my sleeping brother just before they exited though the two large doors.

      “Can he keep this with him?” I had no idea what possessed me but in my outstretched fingers I clasped the silver ring that I always wore. Too many times of late I had found that every time I took it off it could only be found in my brothers shorter fingers; gently being turned over and over so that the design nipped at the skin of his fingertips. To my relief the doctor nodded softly and though she looked a little confused she didn’t say anything as I made my way to my brothers’ side. I picked up his left hand and slipped the silver ring onto his little finger, it’s the one he always slipped it on. Setting his hand back down I thank them and watch as my brother is wheeled out, leaving me to not only tell my eldest brother what has happened in the last two hours but to also call our parents.

     I walked past the endless halls to the small waiting room that was reserved for just us. The hospital manger had understood the importance within a few moments of our arrival when a small band of fans had managed to follow my truck and the ambulance from the hotel. I hadn’t wanted to leave Zac’s side so Isaac had followed closely in my truck, but not strategically. I pushed the small door open to find Isaac pacing back and forth on the phone.

      “Yeah he just walked in now I’ll have him call you.” He hung the phone up and put it in his pocket when he saw me standing at the door. He looked scared. I didn’t blame him, a few hours ago Zac only maybe had a concussion and now last he heard our brother was blind. “What did the doctor say?”

     “She said that Zac has Traumatic Optic Neuropathy. They won’t know how bad until he is out of surgery.” I felt numb restating what the female doctor had told me only 20 minutes ago. But by the look Isaac gave me he realized that this was bad. I felt myself move and fall into one of the chairs; burying my face in my hands. His hand fell on my shoulder and the awkward way my brother patted my shoulder told me how unaccustomed he was to giving comfort. I pulled out my phone and turning it on I was met with a photo of Zac and me. I took a deep breath and started what I knew would be a long list of calls to our parents and to cancel our last 4 shows.

 

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     I heard the rapid beeps of the machine I was hooked up to first, and instead of slowing as I became more aware they started to pick up. Faster and faster they came as they monitored the rapid increase of my heart as it pounded away in my chest. I brought my hand up to cover my mouth as I stifled a scream from ripping through me. The cold bite of the metal on my lips made me freeze. I pressed my small finger into my lips again and bring my right hand to my face as well. I slid my finger and my thumb over the design on the ring and the beeping slowed. His ring. I ran the ring over my lips fearing if I took it off of my finger I would lose it. I don’t know how long I sat just running his ring over my lips before I heard the shuffle of feet enter the room.

      “Good you are awake. How are you feeling? Nauseous?” The low male voice made me feel self-conscious of how I must look laying in a bed worshiping a small metal ring like I was.

     “Thirsty. Where’s my brother?”

     “Probably in the waiting room, not nauseous?”

     “No. can you call my brother?” I was getting short with him. It wasn’t his fault but damn it I needed to have Taylor.

     “Sure.” His shuffle was the only indication that he left the room. His ‘sure’ told me how much he cared if I was comforted at all. The time seemed to slip by; my seconds seemed like endless hours as I waited. But Taylor still didn’t come. The male nurse never came back, and I found myself twisting my brother’s ring on my finger over and over again. Feeling the bite of the design as it rotated against my skin; my mental vision of his ring on my finger; I could see the silver color and the etched design that wrapped around the delicate band.

     “He’s my brother; I have a right to see him.” Over the sound of my heart machine and the whir of the other machines in the ICU I could hear Taylor’s insistent voice. “I have a right to know how his surgery went and how he is doing!”

     “Tay!” My voice came out cracking due to its lack of use, but I heard his quick sure steps as he rushed past the nurse’s station coming to rest at my bed side. I held my hand out and his cool touch bypassed my hand and went to my face. I sighed and leaned into his hand.

     “How are you feeling?” All the anger was gone from his voice, being replaced with his soft soothing tones. I pressed my left hand into his and felt the ring bite at his skin.

     “Thank you Tay, you didn’t have to.” It needed no explanation. “You want it back?” I slipped it off my finger for the first time since I woke feeling around the inside for the line. If I hadn’t fingered this ring so much I don’t think I would have been able to find it without my sight. I twisted the ring so that the line faced up and held my hand out for his. When his hand fell into mine I noticed that it was shaking slightly. I explored his hand feeling every curve and knuckle before slipping the ring over his ring finger. He didn’t pull back so I kept going. I pulled his hand to my face and kissed the back of his hand before resuming my exploration. I already mentally saw every line and curve of his arm. But as my fingers ran over his arm, it was like electrical shocks going through me as I mapped it out. Smooth gliding steps. I returned to holding his hand as the steps reached what I believed to be the entrance to my room.

     “Hi Zac, how are you feeling?” Her cool tone was comforting, I guess the hours between the last time she saw me gave her time to collect herself.

     “My head hurts and everything is black.”

     “I am sorry I will make sure your nurse gets you something for the pain. We can't take your bandages off yet.”

     “When will you be able to?” Taylor’s thumb started to draw circles on the back of my hand as he spoke. Then the small pressure of his fingers in my palm started. I drifted. My hands have always had a sensitivity to touch and Taylor has always used this method to calm me as far back as I can remember. The heart machine started to register my daze and the beeps became farther apart.

     “Uh, well I would like to give it another six hours. Give him a chance to heal a bit. Then we will take another MRI, check to see how the swelling is doing then we can take the bandages off.” I could feel her confusion and her uncomfortably and I wondered if Taylor could as well because he stopped rubbing the inside of my hand.


	10. Caught

 

        He is sleeping next to me, and yet I still can't help but feel like any moment he is going to wake. Taylor hasn’t left my side since he barged into the hospital wing yesterday and I fear that soon the low toned man is going to come in and tell him he needs to go. I don’t know how he managed to arrange my IV so that he could lay next to me but I can hear his soft breathing in my ear and feel the falling of his chest as he exhales. Every part of me is on the edge of fear that someone will come in and rip my brother from me.

                “Zac?” Its her, the soft toned woman who has been my main doctor since I arrived at this hospital. I don’t want to answer her, I want her to leave and pretend that she doesn’t see the two strange brothers wrapped in each other’s arms. “Zac?”

                “Yeah?” Yet out of all of them she is the one that has treated me the best. I half expect her to cringe away from Taylor and I, our closeness is at an all-time high right now in such a public space. But here she is.

                “How bout we try to take your bandages off?” The beeps on my heart machine pick up and I feel like the damn machine has betrayed me. Yet I feel an edge of compassion for her. She asked me while he was asleep, maybe to give me some privacy to mourn if my vision is not there before he wakes.

                “Yeah, alright.” Together we carefully raise the incline of the bed so that I can lean my head forward a bit. Tay stirs a bit, but settles back down into the calm sleep again so we keep going. I can feel the cold metal as she cuts the bandage near my temple.

                “Okay Zac I need you to keep your eyes closed as I remove the bandage, then I will clean your eyes, and then you can open them okay?”

                “Alright.” I could feel the bandage come away from my face and my first inclination was to pull my eyes completely open despite her words. I felt my lashes flutter only to find that there was a thick residue keeping my eyes shut. The damp cloth on my face made me jump a bit at first but soon I could feel the warm water rinsing away whatever was keeping me from seeing.

                “Alright Zac, slowly open your eyes.” I didn’t need telling twice. My lids slowly opened and I could hear the rapid beeps of the machine showing the world how panicked I felt. But there was nothing. No color, no shapes, just darkness.

                “Well?”

                “There’s nothing. It’s still black.” Part of me wanted to cry but there was nothing left to cry. I was blind and that was it.

                “Do you see any light, shadows maybe?” it took me a moment to feel the heat from a light being shined at my face.

                “No, nothing.” My voice sounded dead. I wanted to go back to sleep hope that this all was a nightmare.

                “Okay,..”

                “What happens now?”

                “Time. I imagine you will be heading home later today or tomorrow. From there you will meet with someone in your area, I will fax your charts to your primary. Then we wait. Sometimes it can take a few months for your vision to start to clear, let your body heal. If you still cannot see light after 2-3 months we will have to consider this transition permanent.” _Permanent._ The word fell on my ears and that is all I really heard. My vision was permanent and now I had to go through the rest of my life with never seeing again. Her hand grazed my right arm and I could just make out her footsteps as she left the room.

                It was three hours before Taylor started to stir at my side. But all the while he slept all I could do was lay in the darkness and hear nurse after nurse come in with this paper or that for me to sign. I don’t even know if what they told me what I was signing was right or not, but I didn’t dare wake my older brother. Give him a few more minutes of sleep where he could still dream that one day his brother could see again. His breathing changed, the long slow heavy breaths turned in to the steady breathing of one waking and trying to place their surroundings.

                “Hey Tay, sleep well?” Maybe it was my dead shaky tone that make his head move to look up at me or maybe he it was just reflex but all the same when his head moved I could feel his sharp intake of breath and heard it catch in anticipation of good or bad news.

                “Why didn’t you wake me?” I knew he would ask, and even though I rehearsed it through my head a dozen times I still found it hard to answer him.

                “Because you needed to sleep and…”

                “Zac you should have woken me. Can you…” The words left his lips as I am sure my face did all the telling for him. I tried to give him the Hanson it’s okay smile but as usual I failed.

                “Sorry Tay.”

                “Zac….” His hand moved from my chest and resettled on my cheek. “It’s going to be okay.” The hope in his voice just left me feeling numb. I don’t have hope, I will not see again and the hope that is settling his tone just makes me feel worse. He doesn’t understand, he couldn’t understand. I can't see, I won’t be able to drive, play music, draw, paint…. Let alone never see his eyes or his face ever again. His face. My hand shot up and my fingers went to where I was pretty sure his face was. I meant to make contact with his cheek his jaw maybe, but instead my fingertips brushed over his lips. My hand froze and the heart machine picked up, _fucking machine_. I could feel his breathing through his lips and his chest, slow yet his steady breaths held something, I just wasn’t sure what. I slowly trailed my fingers from the soft of his lower lip to the ledge, trailing the curve until it met with his cheek. I had only ever touched his face maybe a handful of times. All nowhere near this intimate. Beep, Beep, Beep,… it was getting faster still. I dropped my fingers from his face. I want to continue but that damn machine.

                “Okay Mr. Hanson, all your paperwork has been filled out. You got your prescription for the medication right?” It was the low toned ass; can't help but wonder how long he had been standing there watching with disgust as I explored my brother’s lips.

                “I… Yeah… I think it’s on the side table.” The doctor had said she put it all in a plastic sleeve for when we were ready so the papers wouldn’t get all over the place. I felt Taylor move from the bed and the crinkle of plastic.

                “I have his prescription, you have been discharged?”

                “Yep, time to go home and as the doc says get lots of rest.” I meant sarcasm but for some odd reason it came out in my joking manner. I knew Taylor would see through it though.

                “I am here to take out your IV.” I heard the three steps that he took before his coarse gloved hands made contact with my bare arm. The IV pulled hard before it slipped out and I felt the slight rush as my blood started to roll on my arm before being wiped away with the thick cotton.

                “Okay that’s it Mr. Hanson.” His swift steps disappeared as I slowly sat up from my bed.

                “He was nice.” I wished that I could see my brothers face right now; the slight scorn mixed with his what everyone calls his bitch face. My understanding of his facial expressions is limited when I can see but I guess that goes right out the fucking window now. Taylor’s fingers brush at my face again.

                “Let’s get you home.”


	11. Where To Go

 

                I can just make out his stretched lips through his hair. His bright blue eyes looking up at me gauging my enjoyment before dropping his gaze as his head pushes back down my shaft; I dig my fingers into his hair as his pace picks up and the pressure is building.

                “Zac….Zac…” I jerked forward, feeling my eye lids blinking trying to see into the darkness.

                “We’re here.” His hand rubbed my shoulder gently and I can feel my face heating. I had fallen asleep on the quick ride home from where we store our bus. I am dreading the return home. It means that I have to return to our parents’ home while Taylor heads to his apartment. I don’t want to leave Taylor’s side and frankly I don’t want to be anywhere he isn’t. As soon as we left the hospital he let me be. I don’t know if the silence and the bus engine were good for me or more damaging to how I felt. I feel around my waist until my fingers brush the buckle and release me from the seat and manage to get myself out of the truck. My feet hit pavement vs. the smooth concrete drive way that our parents had.

                “Uh…. Tay… Where are we?” I could hear him shuffling to pull our suit cases out of the back of the truck. Setting my hand on the trucks edge I let it guide me to the tailgate.

                “Tay?”

                “Hmmmm?” I heard the second suitcase hit the pavement.

                “Where are we?”

                “My place, I didn’t think you would want to go to mom and dads…” His voice trailed off and I couldn’t help but wonder if it is because he realized that I was next to him or if it was because we both knew why. Dad still kept liquor in the house. It was hard when I was first detoxing, opening the fridge to find food and see the hard liquor bottles in the door. Tay didn’t think that I would be able to keep it together by myself, because if I was there I really would be by myself. All our younger siblings had their own lives and where before I would have rejoined the normal routine of taking care of them, I couldn’t do it any longer now that I couldn’t see. It made me feel sick; I am now a burden on my entire family. Taylor would take care of me, he always would and he would never complain about it to me, but that just made me feel worse.

                                “Come on Zac, I was gonna talk to you about moving in when we got back anyway.” I tried to give him a small smile. I hoped he had really meant it. His moving out during the recording of Underneath had really cut deep.

 

 

 **************************************************************************************************************************

 

               

      “You can’t have expected me to live at home forever could you?” Taylor’s voice was soft, calming, almost pleading with me to understand. I understood, I didn’t blame him, I just wish that I could go with him. He was pacing back and forth across the room folding his laundry then setting it in a predetermined pile; the last one had been a black and white plaid button down. As he turned to grab another article of clothing I contemplated swiping the shirt again but reasoned that since I had just returned it I should at least let him wear it first. Glancing to the article I realized it was his underwear, I quickly glanced away. I pulled a shirt from the pile and gently folded it and set it on the side of the bed and grabbed a pair of his jeans, folded and set them on top of the shirt before he turned back around to me. Looking at the pile I could see the small smile play briefly on his lips. I never fold his stuff right, he has a system; I think it is because I stack them all in one large tower of a pile before sorting them out.

                “Zac…. Say something…please” I bite on my lower lip for a moment before looking up to greet his eyes. Damn I love his eyes; today they are a light wispy blue with hints of the darker shades. They must have been darker earlier today. I love watching his eyes change. I get lost in them so easily.

                “I am just going to miss you Tay.” My voice is soft, almost a whisper, it feels like my voice would have cracked if I had spoken louder and I know that would have been worse. Still he comes closer and sits on the edge of his bed.

                “I am going to miss you too; you know you can come over whenever you want Zac. You know where I live and it isn’t like I am not going to see you. We will be in the studio, then tour.” It’s true I had to admit I had a few tracks I wanted to studio polish and I figured he did too, maybe soon we would get the new album finally down and running.

                “Tay…” my voice fails and I just reach out and hug him. I can feel his arms come around me and he hugs me back. I never feel safer then when I am like this with him, but I know it won’t last. We break the hug nearly at the same time. I take a deep breath; the fabric softener fills my lungs. “When will we finish our book?”

                “Umm….” He was folding another shirt, the one I had already folded and setting it on the shirt pile. “ How ‘bout you come over next weekend? We can sit and read for a few hours.” My heart quickens a bit, alone in his apartment with just him. Hours just him and me; I live for days like that. I agree and look back into the pile of laundry sitting in front of me. He has another load to do still before his stuff is done.

                “You want me to throw that last load in?” If I am lucky he will let me, it’s a well-known fact that me and the washer have an ongoing argument about temperatures; many times someone in the family has ended up with pink socks and bleached shirts.

                “Ummm…. Yeah… Zac I would actually like my shirts to fit me….”

                “Darks…cold?? right??” I stick my lower lip out just a bit, knowing that it is one of his weak spots.

                “Yeah, cold…” he gives me a small smile and I grab the basket and I take off out of the room before he can change his mind. Down in the laundry room on the first floor I pile the darks into the washer, I sort through the shirts he has in this load. This is the last time I will be able to do this until we are on tour again. It hurts, the thought sways through my brain and I feel the lump rise again. I reach into the washer and pull a black shirt from the pile and look at the tag, its Johnny Cash. It smells like maybe it has sat at the bottom of his basket for a while, probably because he prefers the plaid and the layered shirts lately. He wears his band shirts mostly at home or for quick trips around town. My brother prefers to be styled at his best, I think he looks best when he isn’t trying to hide himself, something that I really only get to see. I push the rest of the laundry, save this one shirt, into the washer and flip it to cold. Rushing up the steps I know it will be close but I toss the shirt on my dresser on top of my own clean laundry and close my door and slip back into his room.

                “Hey Tay….” My voice fails me, he is changing his shirt and his back is to me. My eyes fall on the muscles of his shoulders and follow down his spine, falling on the very small of his back. “sorry…”

                “Knocking is good Zac.” He smiles though, as he pulls his shirt the rest of the way down. “What were you going to ask?” but my mind is blank, I want to touch him, feel his arms, go up behind him and set my hands on his back.

               

           *****************************************************************************************************************************  

     “What you smiling about?”

      “Nothin’.”

      “Okay then.” His fingers slipped around my arm and guided me to the path that leads to his upstairs apartment. I didn’t need his guidance now that I knew where I was, I might have curved a bit at first but as soon as I felt the grass on the side of the path I kept to it. Following the line until it curved off to my left. It had taken months for me to wrap my head around the fact that he wasn’t just down the hall anymore. I reached out in front of me and felt the brick of the building, then the cool metal of the banister that lead to his apartment.

      “You really don’t need much guidance do you?” It was one of those moments where I could feel that he hadn’t meant to speak it out loud. It so rarely happens that Taylor speaks out like that, that I can't help but smile at him.

       “I used the grass as a guide, and then took two steps forward until my hand reached the brick. I had a guide; I don’t have one for the apartment though.” Once inside I would need him to guide me to the couch or to a bed, bathroom and the kitchen until I could mentally have the layout of his home. The silence stretched as we moved up the steps and as I listened to him fish through his keys until he found the one he needed.

      “Wait a moment while I get the lights.” I stood just inside the door as I heard our suitcases stop and him move about the apartment. His apartment smells good, despite the fact that no one has been in it for the last few months while we were on tour. His faint spicy scent mixed with the most likely empty scent dispenser. Its home, where ever he is, is home.

      “Okay.” His suddenness in front of me, made me jump. I stretched my arm out and found that he was really close, less than two feet. I followed his forearm to his bicep and let my hand linger on his shoulder and as he started to move I tried to mimic his steps. With my other hand I let my fingertips brush over the objects he walked around. Dining table, couch, wall…. The hall led down to the two bedrooms and the bathroom. As we went my hand reached the door frame and I started to turn into the spare room.

      “Uh…I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind my room tonight.” His voice sounded off, but I couldn’t place it. It almost sounded as if my brother was nervous but I couldn’t see why. I smiled at him and continued to follow him until we reached the end of the hall where the second bedroom was. As soon as we hit the room he moved away from me as soon as my foot hit the bed. I crawled cautiously onto the bed and sat down.

      “I am going to unpack our stuff, are you hungry?”

      “That’s a silly question Tay, I am always hungry. I can wait though.”

       “Good, because there isn’t anything in the fridge; how’s pizza?” his voice echoed from the living room and grew louder as he headed back with the suitcases.

      “Pizza sounds great……uh…Tayyyy….?”

      “You want bacon?”

      “Well if you’re offering yeah.” I had a full on smile now.

      “Okay what else?”

       “Could we order Veggie?” There was a pause in the unzipping of one of the suitcases.

       “You want Veggie pizza?” I could feel my lower lip dip into a pout before I had consciously committed to begging for a bacon and veggie pizza. “With bacon?”

      “If I grab can we order Round Table?”

      “Zac I can pay for our pizza. And yes we can have bacon and veggie.”

       “Let me pay... Please.” My tone sounded different, it was less of a question and more of a plea when it left my lips, all the same though I geared myself up for the debate.

      “Okay.” Normally this would have turned into a debate as to why he should get to pay. He never likes it when I pay for things, even if it is as small as a delivery pizza; which is why his response caught me off guard. He called in our pizza and then went back to unpacking. He moved about the room putting away his things, opening and closing different drawers and hanging up others. How was I going to unpack, where would I put my stuff? Zip. The flood of fear seeped through me as I mentally log everything in my bags, while trying to figure out which bag he had opened.

      “I cleared out the drawers on the right hand side of my dresser; the spare room isn’t set up because I figured you would want to decorate it. You don’t mind sharing do you?” It took me a moment to find my voice.

      “I.. no I don’t mind Tay.” There was nothing I could do, I couldn’t unpack myself and it’s not like I could tell him to not look at the stuff in my bag. I dropped my head and instead focused on rubbing my fingers in my palms. I could hear him moving back and forth closing one drawer and opening another as he put away my clothes. Then a pause. _Shit._

     “Zac… How long have you had my shirt?” That damn shirt. I had meant to slip it back into his bag before we made it home. Maybe into the confines of his dirty laundry, the only question was which shirt it had been.

      “It got into my laundry on tour; I must have lost it amongst my shirts.” It’s happened before, where we mix up our clothes and I hoped to god that he bought it now.

      “Oh.” The pause lasted a bit longer and then he went back to unpacking my things. It was agonizing just sitting waiting to see what he found in my bag and wondering what was going through his head.

      “What are you thinking?” I braved the gap and broke the silence, hoping that he would answer me so that I could know what he had found and what he hadn’t.

      “I feel like I am invading your privacy.” Despite my urge not to shift about in my nervousness I found myself shifting.

      “If you… have questions about something you find…we can talk…..” It was the last thing I wanted to do.

      “I am really trying to respect your privacy, is there anywhere in your bags I shouldn’t open?” I tried to do a mental run down of everything that I had packed up. There really wasn’t….

      “Uh… what bag are you in?”

      “The largest one.”

      “The duffle or the suitcase?”

      “The Suitcase, isn’t the duffle your dirty clothes?”

      “Should be but you know how I am about my dirty clothes. There is a side bag in the suitcase; could you just leave that for me to unpack?” I just hoped he hadn’t already unpacked it.

      “I was just about to open that….Porn stash?” I felt my cheeks flush. No it wasn’t my porn stash but it was better to just let him think it was.

      “Yeah, most of it’s on the computer but…..”

       “No need to explain Zac. You’re a guy its normal.” Normal. Yeah, right. The side bag was filled with my photos. I had decided to print some of them off and then found myself with a bag filled with pictures of my brother; of him by the pool, back stage, and around town; many of which were of his butt. So much for the photos, I would never be able to see them again. He handed me the bag and I set it in my lap, the stitching felt so prominent on my fingers.

       “The side table next to you is cleaned out as well.” I don’t know if it ever held anything, but I slid my hand down the front of it until I felt the handle, opened it and managed to slip the bag inside. It would only hold the bag, but that would be fine for now, until I figure out what to do with it.

 

 

 

 

 


	12. Don't Want to Wake

 

                I don’t know how long I have been lying next to him as he sleeps, but I don’t yet want to wake him. We weren’t up late last night after the pizza came and we went right to bed. Rolling back to my side I can feel my body move closer to his. He is asleep and he is sleeping hard next to me, the deep rolls of his breathing will tell me when he wakes. I want to touch him; I always want to touch him. But right now I just want to see him, see what he looks like when he is sleeping. He looks his most peaceful when he sleeps. Untangling my hand from the blanket I slowly extend my fingers and outstretch my hand.

     Warmth, the contact of my fingertips on his arm sends electrical currents pulsing through me. I run my fingers along his upper arm to get my baring. Soon my fingers are leading me up his arm and I can feel the soft fabric of his tank. My heart feels like it’s about to jump out of my throat and at any moment he will wake from the racket that it is making. Taking a steadying breath I continue and I can feel his collar bone, in my mind I can see where I am, the edge of his collar bone before it dips into the center of his chest. I run down the length before I hit the hem of his shirt, his breathing changes and I freeze. I can't hear anything beyond my own heartbeat for several long moments. His breathing softens and I can feel the rise and fall in my hand, now resting on his upper chest.

 _You should stop._ I don’t want to stop, I want to keep going. _You’re going to wake him._ I choose to ignore my shoulder creatures and lift my hand so my fingertips are the only thing making contact. His chest hair is brushing my skin and I can feel every slight catch as I slowly move to the base of his neck. I can't stop now; I let my fingers trail up his neck. I haven’t reached his Adam’s apple before his neck stretches and his head tips back. My heart is the least of my worries as I start to feel the strain on my pajama bottoms. His breathing has changed a little but nothing that tells me that he has awoken so I start moving again. As my fingers reach his Adam’s apple he swallows and I can feel the slight roll before it stops again. The guilt fills me as I feel my cock reach its full length. I exhale and pull my hand away from his neck. My hand doesn’t fall more than a couple of inches away from him when I feel his fingers on the inside of my wrist. _Shit._ His hand guides me back to his Adam’s apple before falling away from my wrist.

     “You don’t have to stop.” His voice was heavy, not as sleepy and I can't help but fear how long he has been awake.

     I should stop, tell him something, anything. But I can't find my voice; my fingers slowly start their trail again. My hand rotates and my thumb now rests on his Adam’s apple; my fingertips finally reaching the stubble on the edge of his jaw. It’s longer than I remember. I love it when he lets his stubble grow a bit; the scruffy look really suits him. He swallows again and I can feel the roll and the exhale as I drag my fingers up his jaw. My body shudders despite my attempt to remain calm; the overexposure of him is making me ache to thrust my hips into his. I am in too deep and I know it. I pull my hand back so my fingertips drag back down his jaw. I can feel his hot breath as my fingers reach his chin; his breathing is not as smooth as it had been when I started. I hope my facial expressions are not betraying me as I try to keep looking down vs. where I feel his face.

     “Zac?” Feeling the breath flow out with my name and the movement of his jaw brings me back to him. My name is heavy on his lips, breathy, questioningly and…pleading? I let my fingers slide up his chin until I feel the curve of his lower lip jutting slightly. I move so my fingertips are instead amongst his scruff and it is instead the pad of my thumb resting on his lips. The lips I have longed to touch, kiss and feel for so long. Their parted, I feel slight puzzlement only for a moment before I feel his heated breath along my thumb. I start to move slower, mapping, feeling, memorizing every electrical flare that jumps from his soft firm lip to my thumb. As I move I can feel the stubble nipping at my fingers as I lay them into his cheek, feeling the stubble lay and bite at the length of them. I am becoming deathly aware of my heavy breathing and the slight moistness of my pre-cum seeping from my slit. I drag my thumb along from the center of his lower lip to the corner where it meets his upper. I can't stop my shifting, trying to relieve the uncomfortable bend that my bottoms are causing. His face starts to move at the same fluid moment that his body shifts from lying on his back to his side. He is facing me and I can feel him reading me. His movements were fluid but slow enough for me to maintain contact with his lips and I could now feel his breath hit my thumb and travel before reaching my own face. He was close, really close. My thumb is shaking slightly on his lip and I fear what he may see. I press my thumb in to his upper lip slightly and let it roam over his upper lip, feeling the up curve, dip and the curve back up before trailing into the other corner of his mouth. Our breaths are bouncing back off of each other and every ounce of my body is blinding with the ache for him.

     His fingers make contact with at my elbow and I jump a little at his suddenness and I freeze in my movement over his lips. His hand travels up my arm and dips behind my shoulder, the velvet softness of his firm hands sending more electrical pulses and shudders through my body. I slowly drag my thumb from the corner of his mouth and back over his bottom lip as his hand finds the nape of my neck. He exhales forcefully, leans into my thumb as the softest sexiest moan falls from his lips. My mind floods and I clear the space. My thumb falls from his lip, my fingers tug at the corner of his jaw and I feel my lips hit their mark. My lips press into his and his arm pulls me more into him, my erection coming to push into him, his erection pressing into me, and our moans breaking our kiss. The absence of his lips doesn’t last long as I drag my lips over his chin to find his lips again. He is moaning into my mouth as I kiss and tug at his lower lip, pulling it into my mouth to suck gently before releasing and kissing him again. His hand falls from my nape and comes down to my hip. I rock forward and his body shivers while he presses back into me. I drag my fingers sharply back up his jaw, feeling the drag and the pull of his stubble and skin.

     “Zaacc….” His body shudders as I rock my hips forward into him again, his fingers dig into my hip and I let the pressure linger before rolling my hips, effectively bring another moan from his lips. I drop my hand from his face and manage to find his shoulder quickly and press him back from me, feeling his body roll back so he is lying on his back again. It takes me a moment or two to wrestle myself free from the heavy blanket and move back to him. My hand quickly searched him out and came to rest on his slightly exposed abs. His breath caught as our skin touched. I was gone, trailing my fingers amongst his abs, feeling the skin on skin and the rapid rise and fall of his erratic breathing. I traced the line of his abs until I felt the edge of his shirt again. Leaning over him I moved my head in the direction of his heavy breathing and hopped that I was at least looking close to where his eyes would be. His breathing caught and his body shivered. I trailed my hand up quickly over his chest and up to his face, giving me a clear direction. I tugged my lower lip into my mouth, sucked, let go and leaned down. His hand came up grabbed my chin and guided me only a fraction more to the left as my lips fell on his again.

     “Taylor… up.” It came out husky, dark, dripping with the lust ache and need _. Am I being to direct?_ The question only lingered a moment because he was moving, sitting up as I had directed him. I dropped my hand to his chest and drug it quickly down to the bottom hem of his shirt. Grabbing a fist full of the tank I pulled it up and his arms quickly responded to the tug of the fabric and I felt the fabric come loose from his body and I threw it from us.

     “Dow….” his body responded before the word even finished and he was lying back down on the bed. I dropped my hand down and snaked it until I found his hip. I ran my thumb into the indentation and traced it to…briefs. I moaned, licking my lips. I abandoning his briefs; I traced his happy trail instead. Tangling my fingers a bit so they tugged lightly as I went; his hips bucked up and he moaned, his moans turning more and more into growls as I went. I dropped my head and I could feel his heated skin under my lips, chest. I kissed at him, finding his collar and licking the edge. I trailed my hand up and dug my fingers into his abs.

     “Zacc….” He growled out my name. I dropped my hand and cupped what I could of his erection. The growl moan that ripped through him made his body shudder under my touch. “Fuuck…” I ran my fingers along him. His briefs were barely containing him, his hard cock pressing the fabric away from his body and giving me enough access to slip my fingers along him a bit. His hips bucked into my hand and the rest of my hesitation fell away. I trailed my lips from his collar to his nipple. I sucked it into my mouth and felt him buck and moan again. His hand flew to my back and began tugging at my own shirt. I quickly ripped it off and dropped back down locating his other nipple and sucking it into my mouth, before beginning my descent of his body. His fingers dug into my back and I ran my tongue down the same indentation that ran to his briefs. I brought my hand to his hip and I guided myself between his knees.

     “Zac, you don’t have…” his sentence was lost in a moan as I dropped my lips to his covered bulge. His hand began to snake into my hair and I pulled back, his body tensed but I hooked my thumbs into the edge of his briefs. His hips lifted up and I ran my thumbs along the hem to the center of his back. Tugging them away from his skin and dragging my thumbs over his ass as I pulled the briefs over. Rotating forward I lifted the hem as far as it would allow so I could free him. His hands flew to mine and he tugged his briefs the rest of the way off, leaving himself exposed. I dropped my head and found my lips trailing at the edge of his happy trail. Kissing down I felt his hand dip into my hair before I reached the base of his cock. I slipped my left hand from his hip and trailed my fingers to my lips and wrapped my fingers around his hard cock. I ran my hand along his length and felt his pre-cum dripping down his shaft and hitting my thumb. I moved my lips until they met my thumb on his cock, his veins passing and weaving as my lips roamed up his length. A moist drop hit my lip and my body responded as my tongue passed over my lips and hit his firm warm skin and the lingering drop. His hissing moan flooded my ears as the taste of his pre-cum started to register. Light cappuccino, salted caramel. I continued to drag every taste bud I possessed over his throbbing cock; sweeping my tongue under his head before pressing my lips over his tip.

     “Zaccc… For the love… of God… Don’t Stop….” I pressed my lips tighter together as I pressed down, drawing his head into my mouth. His hand tangling deeper into my hair as his body shivered beneath me.

     “Zac!!” My entire body jerks forward and I can feel the sweat dripping from my brow, my erection managing to pop the button on my boxers, but thanking god that there was still a blanket draped over most of my mid-section.

     “Y…yeah?”

     “Phone.” His voice is groggy and I feel the bed shift as he rolls away from me. My heart is pounding in my chest as my hand juts out and I can feel my phone vibrating practically off my side table as the dying ring sounds. My phone pings letting me know that I missed a call, but leaving me to wait until Taylor wakes before I can actually find out who tried to call me. Still I am great full that in his sleepiness he has rolled over and gone back to sleep.


	13. Packing

 

                “So you going to call him back or not?” The truth is that I really don’t want to call him back. Our Dad was the last person that I wanted to talk to at the moment.

                “You gonna make me?” I couldn’t help saying it with a smile on my face. Taylor knew that Dad and I rarely got along for more than five minutes and I could already hear mentally how he would make this all my fault.

                “Zac, I am not going to make you do anything. But you should call him back.” No, Taylor doesn’t make me do anything that I truly don’t want to do; he just says it in a way that makes you feel completely guilty until you reach the point you can't stand it anymore and you do it. I hold the phone out to Taylor and I feel the slight pressure of him pressing the glass screen. It takes a few rings before I can hear his heavy voice on the other end.

                “Hey, I tried to call you earlier.” Yep, no hello just straight to the point, that’s how it always is with him.

                “Yeah, sorry I slept in. What’s up?”

                “You were supposed to come home yesterday and you never showed or called.”

                “Yeah, Taylor brought me to his place.”

                “You should have called and let us know that, that was what you guys were planning.” I probably should have called but I really didn’t care if he knew where I was or not. Had he not been home he probably would not have even remembered that I wasn’t there.

                “Give me the phone.” Taylor’s voice cut into my thoughts but I was grateful for it. How transparent had I been while I was talking? I held the phone out and I felt his fingers brush my hand as he plucked it from my grasp.

                “Hey dad,” Despite the happy tone he was using, it was one that I have learned to see through. He has used it too many times with dad and with the people we have worked with. It’s the fake ‘everything is fine’ tone. That is just Taylor, you will never get all of what he is feeling but you can sure spend a lifetime trying.

                “Taylor, I was talking with your brother. You should have called us to let us know what was going on.” I could just make out the words over the phone, I felt bad whenever Taylor had to do this, play the buffer between dad and me.

                “Yeah, sorry we got in really late and I figured that we would wake the house with our moving around.” It was a flat out lie; we hadn’t gotten in that late. I smiled and I hoped that he was smiling back at me.

                “So when are you bringing your brother home?” it was the question that I was dreading.

                “Well… we have been talking and we had already planned on him moving in to the apartment with me.” The phone was silent for a few moments before I heard our father’s response.

                “Do you really think that is a good idea Taylor? He is going to need care and you need to have a life outside of your brother’s disability.” I felt sick. They had been telling us for years that we needed to function apart from each other. But the word disability really just dripped down me, making me sick.

                “Dad, we already made arrangements for him to live here with me.” I could feel the shift in the air as Taylor straightened and tried to lean away from me. I wasn’t going to let him though and I leaned closer. “We will swing by later today to get his things.” Taylor had flipped from his polite tone to this is how it’s going to be. It wasn’t great when talking with dad but Taylor was the only one who actually managed to do it so dad would follow what was being said.

                “Fine if that’s how you guys want it. Just know that he doesn’t have to burden you.”

                “He’s not Dad. I gotta go.” I could hear my phone being set down on the side table with a bit more force than he usually would have used. The silence stretched for a bit and I couldn’t help but wonder if he felt I was a burden.

                “Sorry Tay.” There was nothing really I could say. Taylor had always tried to play the middle man between Dad and me. I felt bad about it, it made me feel weak but there was little I could do.

                “Don’t, I’m sorry.” There was a pause and I was left wishing that I could see his eyes so that I could try to decipher the silence.

                “Zac, you did want to move in with me right?” I felt like hitting him upside the head, but instead I just smiled at him.

                “Really Tay? I would love to move in with you. Are you sure I won’t… you can always change your mind you know that right?” I couldn’t say it, I knew I would burden him, I knew it to my core. Maybe I am just too selfish when it comes to my brother.

                “Zac, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” I smiled at him and hoped I didn’t look too much like someone who had just won the lottery. Ever since he had moved out I had wanted to come running to his home and move in with him.

                “We will have to run to our parent’s and pick up your stuff today though.”

                “Yeah, sorry if you had plans.”

                “Really had only planned on that, sooner is better though.” He was right dad wouldn’t want to talk to us so he would be closed up in his office or he would have gone into work. We made ourselves presentable, me with a few changes from Taylor and we headed over to grab my stuff.

 

 

                Once in my room though I really didn’t know where to begin. Without actually seeing what was being packed I felt like everything I owned was on display to my brother. But there was nothing that I could really hide, I just hoped that he wouldn’t look in the three ring binders and just pack them away instead.

                “Zac, I know this has to be really hard, me packing your things and all. I really am trying to…”

                “It’s fine; there really isn’t anything we can do about it.” I cut him off so he doesn’t have to say what we were both clearly thinking. It feels like an invasion of my inner thoughts.

                “Still…”

                “Tay its fine, there isn’t anything we can do about it. I know that you are going to be respectful of my things but I also know that there is no way that we can do this where you don’t see everything that I own. So yeah, it’s weird but really there isn’t much that you don’t already know about me.” _But damn do I feel exposed to_.

                “Is there anywhere I should not pack and you can just put it in a box and….”

                “And what? I am not going to look at half this stuff ever again so half of it could probably go straight in the trash.” I could feel the heat of my anger running its course. _Fuck_. I brought my fingers to my temples and started to massage them. I could feel the tension in the air as the silence hung from my outburst.

                “I am sorry it’s just hard. You can pack everything up, if you could just not open my binders that would be fine.” His arms were around me, holding me to him. I could feel the rise and fall of his chest. It was in these moments that it felt like he could just sap all the negative energy from me. The heat of my anger just slips away from me. Our breathing synced, and everything around me just didn’t seem as important. I could feel his face pressed into the top of my head, I tightened my grip around him and he returned it. I could feel the seconds passing and I knew we were getting close to the point of where we would both release out of the nervousness of holding the other for too long.

                “It really is going to be okay, you just need time.” His lips pressed into the top of my head and I wanted so desperately to tip my head back and push myself up the few inches so that my lips would be pressed into his warm ones. I could hear the turn of the knob of my bedroom door and like an electrical shock both of us seemed to almost push back from one another as the door opened the rest of the way.

                “Are you two staying for dinner?” My father’s voice filled the room and I could feel the anger of his tone.

                “I don’t…”

                “Well that kind of depends on if your attitude will have improved or not between now and then.” The tension in the air was evident as the words left my lips, I hadn’t meant to say it but I also didn’t not feel that way.

                “I don’t think we will be staying, no.” I could hear my father turn and practically slammed my bedroom door. “Really Zac?”

                “Sorry, I am all over the place right now.”

                “Can you hold it together until we leave? We don’t need to start something with him right now.” I nodded; once again I am left feeling as if I am a disobedient child. I hate this feeling, I could take all of my father’s shit but as soon as something close to disappointment falls from Taylor’s lips I am reduced to feeling so small and ashamed. His hand slowly slipped over my upper arm and I felt the shiver run through me as he gave me a small squeeze.


	14. Back Home

 

                It took us another two hours before we had packed up everything that I had in my room. I felt free as we drove back to his apartment, _our apartment_. The sound of it felt right in my mind, it was technically his but it was kind of mine too. It just felt right, we shared an apartment. I reached my left hand out and slowly crossed the middle section between the two seats and left my palm up, I felt the wind of his hand come before the heat and the soft touch of his palm met mine and placed it on his upper thigh. I could feel my heart start up, and just like that I am lost in the very distinct stitching of his jeans. Each and every thread is apparent under my fingertips and I can trace their weaving to the outside hem that runs up his leg. I am struck by the slight tension then relaxation under my fingers; I realize that I have been not so absentmindedly rubbing his leg with my forefinger.

                “Sssorry.” I went to take my hand back but as I spoke I felt his palm cover the back of my hand instead.

                “It’s fine.” His thumb ran over the back of my hand in a few short circles before releasing my hand back on his leg, probably to go back to the steering wheel. A small hum starts up and after a moment the hum turns into his soft tones as he begins to sing along with the song. I can feel my lids fall and it takes all the energy in me to just keep my head from tipping back and letting go completely. I can feel the richness of his tones, and they reach down into my core and stroke, tug, and pull at my emotions. Sometimes I just don’t know how I manage to function on stage when he affects me like this. I am lost, feeling the energy and the raw emotion to his voice. As the song ends I find myself almost waking from a dream, I apparently lost the battle because my head is resting on the window of the door.

                “You okay?”

                “Hmm? Yeah I’m good.” I love his voice and in some ways I have told him how much I love it when he sings but I don’t think he will ever fully understand how much I absolutely love it. It can be anything; I just love to hear him sing.

                “You looked like you were sleeping, if it hadn’t been for your hand I would have thought you were.” Damn fingers have a mind of their own. I can feel his body shift a bit as his arm moves from the steering wheel and turns down the volume. While we are on the road it signifies the beginning of a conversation, then only when the conversation is over will it be turned back up to a crystal clear tone vs. the light background that it was now.

                “Na, just getting lost in the music; happens sometimes.” My voice is low, calm and to my own ears it sounds sedated.

                “What were you thinking about?” I am almost at a lost as to how I could possibly explain the phenomena that is my brother.

                “Just the music, sometimes I just get so lost in it.” _It’s more than that though_. “It’s… It’s like when you’re high; the tones all have their distinct feel, emotion, sometimes color….texture even. I don’t know it just grabs hold of me sometimes and I can't help just falling victim to it.”

                “Wow. You have trips like that?”

                “I don’t listen to much music when I am high but, yeah. That’s all I have to compare it to.”

                “So just any song or is there a specific melody?” I am instantly thrown into the memory of him playing Crazy Beautiful during his solos. I can mentally see his hands flying across the ivory keys, his head tipped back lost deep in the feeling and pull of the tones from the piano as he sings. This song is liquid orgasm to watch. But I can hardly let the words pass my lips.

                “Well, when I am by myself I almost have to focus on the melodies to get to that lost place.” I am starting to squirm a bit; this is where it always gets a bit weird. He always goes so silent when I tell him how great his singing is.

                “When you’re by yourself?”

                “Tay, we have been through this. When you sing I have to fight to stay. Your voice is really powerful to me.” Silence; it always kills me when he is the silent one. It means that he is deep in thought and I can’t help but be on edge, waiting for the next words that might fall from his lips.

                “Thank you.” His voice is soft and I barely hear it to begin with. It’s contemplative, very deep in thought. I turn my head to look at him even though all I see is darkness. His tones make me wish that I could see how he looks, if it is a sad ponder or if perhaps there is a bashful color to his face. I don’t think I ever really realized how much I depend on how I read facial expressions until I am trying to place a tone with an empty expression.

                “You don’t have to thank me.” I try to keep my tones soft, even. So I don’t give away that I am struggling to place his mood. I sweep my fingers over the denim of his leg again, giving a slight pressure. The warmth of his hand is on the back of mine; lifting it from his leg and almost instantly I can feel the heat of his breathing before his lips brush the back of my hand. Everything stopped as I felt his firm yet soft lips brush the back of my hand. Feeling the slight stubble that he had grown in; I can feel myself smile but I hope I don’t look as dopey as I feel. I can feel the slight upturn of his lips as he pulls my hand away from his face and returns it back to his leg. His hand moves away and the volume turn’s back up a bit on the radio, effectively demonstrating that this conversation was over. His silence doesn’t stay though and soon he is singing again, but this time I don’t hide my emotions as much and I slouch down a bit in my seat and get lost in his singing again.

                When we pull to a stop I am kind of dreading moving all of my belongings into the apartment. Once my room is set up I won’t have an excuse to not use it. But then on the other hand, I have a cleared out side table, or does he keep the side cleared for girl friends? My mind is in overdrive as we bring box after box into the apartment and into the spare room.

                “Okay,” his hand slips around my upper bicep and I freeze a bit as he walks me around the spare room.

                “I feel like an idiot, can’t we just put bumpers on my knees?”

                “No, I thought it would help.” I could almost swear he was rolling his eyes at me.

                “Are you rolling your eyes at me?” I couldn’t help the amusement that was in my voice.

                “Maayybe….” I shoved my shoulder into him. His arm came up around me pulling me into him as his other reached my stomach. It doesn’t take long before we are wrestling, him to tickle me more and me to keep him from doing it. He doesn’t stop his attack until I am coughing through fits of laughter.

                “You know it’s not fair, I can't see your next attack.”

                “Ehh, you did just fine.” We were both lying on the floor, while I panted for breath. His arm came around me and pulled me into his body. I moved my head to his chest and I could hear the rapid pace of his heart and the steady breaths he was taking to steady it. We just laid like that while I listened to his heart make its way back to the steady beats.

                “Tay, what are you thinking?”

                “Nothing, why?”

                “I was just wondering… as always.” I closed my eyes and just slipped into listening to his breathing and the soft thuds of his heartbeat.

“Zac….”

                “Hmmm?” I didn’t want to get up but I was slowly becoming aware that my arm was starting to go numb beneath me. The slight tingling sensations as I moved my fingers only proved that I was right.

                “Are you falling asleep?” his voice was amused but somehow groggy itself.

                “Nope.” I could feel the smile spreading across my lips as I nudged my face more into his chest. I felt the exhale before the sound reached my ears and he held me tighter. I might have been dozing off but I wasn’t going to tell him that.

                “Come on time to get up.” He gave me a nudge and started moving, effectively making sure that I would get up. As I was getting up I felt his sure grip on my forearm and he pulled me the rest of the way off of the ground. “We still have to unpack.” I felt sick again, unpacking was the last thing that I really wanted to do at the moment.

                “I am going to put your clothes away, the box to your left is your binders you can put them were you want.” I heard the box open and the sound of a drawer being pulled out as he started to put my things away. I slowly moved to my left and felt a box, sure enough as soon as I managed to open it I could feel the cool covers of my binders. They held my pictures, taken and drawn, some of which I wouldn’t mind showing Taylor as I don’t print off many of the scandalous ones of his ass, but enough to really raise questions. I truly am obsessive, as many times as I have tried to stop being obsessive over him, I know that I am. I am probably worse than most of our fans in some regard. It doesn’t take long for me to find a place in the back of the closet where I just end up putting the entire box. As it holds only my binders, I fail to see any real reason to unpack them.

                “Why aren’t you unpacking them?”

                “There is no need to.” I know he is wondering what is in them and I hope that whatever brother bond we have remaining doesn’t flare up and he goes snooping. “It’s just a bunch of old drawings, fragments of songs that are not going anywhere but I have yet to do anything with. I can't see them so there is no point unpacking them.” I hoped that it was enough for him to just let it drift into nothing; give him enough so it passes through the air.

                “If that’s what you want.” It stung a little, I hadn’t meant to hurt him but there was nothing else to say. It took us less time to put everything away then it did to pack it up, I think this is in part because when he packed it all up for me he made sure it was organized. Even though the day had started late all I wanted to do is to curl up and be done with today. After fighting with Walker and living on an emotional rollercoaster all day, I just wanted off.

                “You want some Netflix?” The way his voice held that questioning tone I think that he was hoping he could get a few more hours out of me before I let the depression completely consume me and I could drift off into some endless dream where I could see and Taylor was my partner.

                “Sure.” The pause was evident as he contemplated what I meant by ‘sure’. But the pause was too long for my attention span at the moment. “Tay, it’s not a ‘fuck you’ sure, it’s a ‘I am tired and anything beyond Netflix is a stretch’ sure.” The laugh that filled the hallway hit me full force and I couldn’t not smile back at him.

                “Come on, Netflix it is.” Within moments we were curled back in his bed and the X-files intro was filling the soundless space. Then it hit me, he was going to watch Netflix and I was going to have to actually pay attention to the sounds of what was being said, and that was the reason he had paused when he had asked.

     “Get over here.” He was still adjusting getting comfortable as far as I could tell by the movement on the bed, but once it stopped I moved into my nook. As I settled and moved my head so I could lay on his chest it dawned on me that he had removed his shirt in the bustle. I could feel my heart beat quicken and my breathing catch as the skin on my jaw and lips brushed his soft skin and made contact with a few of his chest hairs. My mind stopped thinking and instead my body just seemed to respond instead and my right arm came up to his chest and effectively buried my fingers in his chest hair. His breathing paused and his heart picked up as I ran my fingers back and forth through his hair. I was gone, completely lost as to what Scully was doing or where Mulder had run off to. It was just him.


	15. Netflix and Chill

 

     “Come on, Netflix it is.” As we entered the bedroom it was like it nearly always was, I moved around to my side of the bed and pulled my shirt off. I reached to my side table to pull on the tank that I had worn the night before but as soon as it got near my face I decided better. It didn’t smell bad, but it defiantly had been worn already. Tomorrow had to be a laundry day; mine had piled up more than usual and if Zac’s habits were to stay true, then he would also have quite a bit. I tossed my shirt across the room and watched it land part way in the hamper. Turning back, I managed to do it just in time to see him tugging his jeans off and tossing them onto the floor. Our patterns were predictable, and I watched him pull his shirt over his head and pull his own tank over his exposed back before crawling onto the bed. Undoing my own jeans I glanced quickly around me for a shirt, nothing. My heart pounded in my ears as every nerve in my body screamed at me to go find a shirt but instead I slipped beneath my blanket. It took me a moment to arrange my pillows only to find that I was uncomfortable.

     Glancing to my right I could see him pausing in his arrangement of his own pillows. Despite the long absence that had grown between us over the last year or so he seemed so ready to jump into old habits. Habits that I had hoped would have been broken in the time apart. I had hoped that in moving out it would put enough space between us so that he could have a chance at being normal. But in the last week he had made it overly apparent that they had not died. If anything each time there were a chance for contact he seemed waiting on edge. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I was too late. I could see it in his face now the urge to dive toward me. But I couldn’t deny that it’s what I want. I need this contact so bad. I have craved it for so long.

      “Get over here.” My request for him to come cuddle was a little premature as I was still in the process of re-rearranging myself for him to cuddle with me. But as soon as my arm moved he was up against my right side and I could feel his head finding not the spot on my shoulder but instead moving straight to my chest. His cheek seemed to slow as his head made contact with my chest and there was a small amount of drag as his light stubble hit my skin quickly followed by the edge of his lips. _Slow deep breaths._ It didn’t work my heart was pounding in my chest as his hand moved from his hip and came to rest in the center of my chest. But his fingers didn’t stop moving and managed to entangle themselves into my chest hair. _Netflix._ My brain screamed at me from some deep corner and my left hand managed to locate the remote so I could make a selection. My mind seemed to fog and the only title it registered was X-Files.

     The intro sound was a bit loud as the episode started up but it helped drown out the panic rising in the back of my mind. The sudden realization that I was practically nude laying with him, my briefs offered little in the way of cover on most days. _Breathe._ My heart just wouldn’t stop pounding and his fingers seemed to be dead set on curling my chest hair round and around. _Is he even aware he is doing it?_ It wasn’t the first time that I had wondered if he was aware of how is actions came across, but there seemed to be such a rhythm to it that I doubted he was completely unaware.

     We had only gotten through two episodes before his soft breathing signaled that he had fallen asleep. I couldn’t help but smile to myself as his body struggled to stay awake, his fingers being the dead give-away. His fingers hadn’t stopped the entire time we laid there, they just kept going back and forth, getting tangled, untangled and then re-tangled again. His assault was too good for me to stop him. But slowly as his breathing deepened his fingers would pause and restart, before pausing again. Then they stopped moving completely, turning my head only slightly I could look down at his hand and just make out his lips in the blue glow of the Tv. As much as I would heckle him for falling asleep first tomorrow these were some of my favorite moments. Being able to just watch him sleep and hold him close like this. With my left hand I pushed some of his hair out of his face and as the room illuminated again I could see the slight smile on his lips. His fingers stretched out before sharply curling back together nearly taking a few hairs with them. His body shifted and his right leg came to rest on my leg instead of his. He had me pinned; sometimes I would actually sleep through the entire night only to find us in the same position as I had fallen asleep in. With my left hand I reached over and started another episode and attempted to shift a bit under him. I managed to move just enough so that my lips could reach his forehead. It was one of those small things that I allowed myself to have, a small kiss before I went to sleep, but only if he was asleep. _You’ve kissed him quite a bit lately._ I try and push the thought from my mind as my lips pressed into his forehead he moaned slightly and pressed himself if possible into me more while tightening his grip.

 

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     The air was tight, the space around me was hot and I needed to move. I needed to run, everything in me screamed. RUN. It was a command something deep ingrained inside my soul that screamed from the darkness of my mind. RUN. I could feel the cold ground underneath my hands, my jean covered shins. The gravel was biting into the flesh of my hands and even though the sting urged me to move them and my mind screamed at me to run; I failed to see the reason. The thuds from my heart were banging through my chest making it hurt, my lungs hurt too. Brushing the stray strands of hair out of my face I quickly glanced around me. The gravel road was littered with potholes and off to my left there looked like a vast lawn. I could feel their breath; hear their moans before I actually saw any of them. I knew those sounds too well to question myself more, I launched myself up from the ground and started cutting across the lawn. The rustling behind me picked up and I could hear their foot falls struggling to carry their bodies across the lawn after me. As an old wooden fence came into view I didn’t even stop to pause and consider my options. My hand made contact with the old eaten wood and pulled my weight as my foot made contact with it to launch myself up and over. As my left foot went to move from the white washed wood I felt those fingers scratch at my leg. The firm ice cold fingers gripped at my jeans and pulled at my leg causing me to tumble from my jump and fall flat on my stomach. The wet grass and the heavy air of decay filled my lungs as I tried to replace the air knocked from me. Resisting the urge to roll and look at my assailant I pushed myself to my knees and tried to regain what little head I could.

     I felt the flesh tear on my exposed arm, as I was knocked from my footing. The primal growl as his head dipped to bite, and gnaw, digging deeper to the bone. He wasn’t alone, I felt their hands as they ripped and tore to get and my body. I was left to pray for any death that could possibly be given to me. The shots barely registered in my mind, there was only the pop, pop, pop as the shots continued to fly around me.

     “They’re getting better at hunting him.” The accent drawled out the ‘r’s, as the man spoke. I couldn’t hear his steps as the grass folded beneath his boots but as his toe made contact with my face I could finally make out his rough skin and the greying facial hair in the bright moonlight.

     “Do you want to increase their speed?” Her crisp voice cut through the silence. I know them; their names are there etched in my brain but lost to my speech. His thick laugh mocked her.

     “No…No… I want him to think he has a chance. I want him to actually think he can escape their grasp.” The burn was beginning to ebb into my mind, I felt it in my arms, in the scratches on my legs and somewhere deep in my stomach. I could feel the scream building in my soul.

     “Do you want to add him to the others?” His boot left my face and as he stepped away from me I could see the one that had brought me down. His deadened brown eyes and shaggy hair were caked in blood and grit. His sunken body resembled how I looked, void of having a decent meal in god knows how long.

     “No, let him change. Tell the others to discard generation 4 and start on gen 5. They need to be more durable.” I couldn’t stand it any longer; the burn was like a wild fire climbing from each of my limbs to the center of my chest. I screamed.

 

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     “Zac!!” I could barely hear his voice over my own as it slowly trailed off into a sob. The blackness offered no amount of comfort; I flew my hand out and it came in contact with his bare chest. I could feel the slight coolness of the skin underneath his chest hair and I shot myself in his direction.

     “Za..”My contact had literally pulled the wind out of his lungs as I clung to him. I wrapped my arms around his body and managed to pull myself nearly into his lap as his arms held me to him.

     “Shhhhh…I got you.” I couldn’t stop the pounding of my heart or the quick rapid breaths that were coming one after another. My body ached; I hate how my dreams can do that. My arms hurt like someone had bit them, my stomach felt as if it were on fire and my body just kept shaking in his arms. He started to pull back a bit and I pulled him tighter to me.

     “Okay….Shhhhhhhh….” His hand came up and his fingers ran through my hair and trailed on my neck. _You got to calm down, let go of him._ I continued to cling to him as my body shook. _Just one finger, loosen one finger._ I gradually managed to loosen my fingers on my left hand to release the skin on his back and moved to cover his heart. I could hear the _thump, thump, thump_ followed by the rise and fall of his breathing as it calmed and slowed to a calm pace. It’s one of those things that we just understand about each other; sometimes the feeling of another calm heart or breath is enough to bring us back from the brink of hysteria. Like a stone being dropped my body just absolutely let go and relaxed into his embrace. _Thump, thump, thump_ , I could feel his beat in my fingers hear it in my skull. _Thump, thump_ I let the seconds pass and absorbed myself in his heart beat and his steady breathing. Letting myself get lost in his physical comfort that his body always offered me after a dream like that; lost in the emotional comfort that only his heart beat and his breathing brings me.

     “Do you want to talk about it?” I never quite know how to start them or how to vocalize the absolute terror that they manage to bring out of absolutely nowhere. Part of me wants to tell him, try and express everything that I dream, but I just can't.

     “Ssssorrry Tay….” It may trademark my childishness, but it is something that I only do with him. Drawing out my ‘s’ may make me seem small but that’s how he makes me feel sometimes and right now, I just want to be the small child as he holds me. He holds me like no one has ever held me. He holds me like I would imagine a father would hold his frightened son, but then he holds on to me with such a gentleness that no one I have ever dated could ever offer me. He holds the intimacy that I crave to my core and I am cursed with the fact that he is my brother. I manage to crawl from his lap and resettle into my nook and replace my head on his chest so that I can continue to hear his heart beat, burying my hand into the hair on his chest; feeling it curl around my fingers.

     “Ssshhhhh…” his tones are light and soft, just on the edge of some long lost tune that ebbs in my memory begging to be free. I feel my emotions tugged as if he were a puppeteer and I his forever puppet. The memory holds nothing more than the physical contact of his arms around me and a few uttered soft singing tones. _Never, never, I love you and never let go._ The words are old ones that are just barely whispers in his old octave, just above a hushed whisper that my mind can't even be sure those are the words anymore.

 

******************************************************************************************************************************** 

 

     “Ssshhhhh…” the soft tones had left my lips and lingered on the air for a few moments, his body tightened and pulled back suddenly. I can't even lie to myself that the pull triggered a deep ache that cut deep, but it was quickly replaced; when I looked down to see those glossy brown eyes looking back at me. They looked deep, the edges starting to collect moisture while they seemed to pierce deep and strip me of every wall that I thought I had up. I felt internally naked holding him while he gazed at me like that. He hasn’t looked at me like that in so long that it shakes my every nerve. I see the side of Zac that he hasn’t shown in years; young, vulnerable. So young in fact that I am reminded of him when he was just three or four.

     “Zac…?” It took all my will to keep my voice from cracking when I spoke. His eyes didn’t shift, they didn’t refocus, they just continued to look deep into my soul. He broke the eye contact and instead dove back into my chest. I could feel his deep breaths, almost as if they were trying to regain some control.

     “ddon’t let go…” his voice was hardly a whisper as his fingers clung tighter to me; almost as if he was trying to find a way to make us one being. But though his words barely made it to my ear, they made my heart flood with ache and love.

     “Shhhh…. Never…” I try to hold him tighter, though I doubt it is even possible with the grip he has on me. I can feel the minutes pass before his body starts to sag into me and his grip slowly loosens. His breathing gets heavier and I know he is sleeping. I let the pain out by holding him tighter, vowing to not let go no matter what.

 

 


	16. What Was it

 

     I don’t remember falling back asleep in his arms after the dream but when my mind gave way to the lack of fuzziness I knew that it was day time. He was still holding me and I felt completely at peace; despite the dream from the night before. I tried to move my arm so that I could pull away from him, let him sleep some after my waking him. His arm tightened around me and pulled me firmer into him. He mumbled something that sort of resembled ‘sleep’. I couldn’t help but smile at his insistence. I settled back into him letting my mind wander.

     The last week I had been worrying about what set list was going to be played and now, it just seems so simple in the grand scheme of my life. I don’t even really know where to go from here. _The bathroom_ ; I hate the way my needs sometimes cut into my thoughts. I am pretty sure I can get there but it’s getting out of his grasp that is actually the harder part. I try and pull back from him again only to be met with the same response; him holding me tighter. His hand settled on my face and I couldn’t help but jump a little at the contact. I froze. His hand didn’t move though, like it was trying to convey some level of comfort. He nearly never touches my face and maybe that is why my face is so sensitive; why I am so drawn to other’s faces. There is an intimacy connected to touching another’s face. My mind races bring up the mental image of his hand on my face; I have nearly always been sick or maybe a moment when I wake from a dream. He touches my face in my dreams. I can feel my heart racing as it pounds, threatening to break into Taylor’s chest instead of staying in mine. I can feel his finger drag on my check a bit before stopping; his hand doesn’t fall from my face though. The warmth is so intense, I can feel the heat from his wrist just a fraction from my lips.

     “Love you,” His groggy voice cuts through my thoughts.

     “I love you too.” It hurts, every single time its spoken it’s like a dagger through the heart. I love you so much more than you can ever imagine. His body shifts; those soft lips pressed into my forehead and electric pulses burst through my skin sending shivers followed by a flood of warm ache through me. As his lips broke their contact he sighed a little before the silence threatens to choke me. But it is still okay. I could die right now with his hand on my check. Complete darkness and all. This is probably the closest I will ever actually be able to get with him.

     As his sleep deepens his hand starts to drag and finally slips completely from my face; by some internal instinct I could almost swear that his fingers are just out of reach of my lips. Pouting my lip out a bit I make contact with the edge of one of his fingertips. I kiss his finger tip once, and I can just make out the slight sigh that reverberates through his chest. I tug back a bit and instead of another pull into him he groans instead; but it’s enough to let me know that he is mildly awake.

     “Tay, bathroom.” My voice is cracking from the lack of use but his arm moves off of my back so I can move again. It doesn’t take long for me to locate the door way that leads into his attached bathroom. Once I have managed to relieve myself, I make my way back to the bed and crawl in. The bed shifts, then the blankets shift, then the bed again.

     “You’re up huh?” My voice seems small for me, younger than I think I had intended, but the shifting stops.

     “How are you doing?” I snake my hand over the mattress so that I can feel that his arm is not by his side before resettling in my nook.

     “Okay, Sorry about last night…” I let my voice trail, I have no idea what happened to me. Maybe too many emotions after the dream all I know is that today I feel raw and exposed to him.

     “You don’t have to apologize. It was a bad one though, wasn’t it?” I moved my hand back to his chest and start twisting his hair together and letting it curl around my fingers.

     “It’s not the worst, but it was bad.” I mentally start weighing the reasons why I shouldn’t burden him with my nightmares for the umpteenth time.

     “Sorry it was bad.” His voice holds the edge that tells me that he wishes I would talk to him about them, but also the understanding that there are things that he and I just don’t talk about; things that we both may never talk about.

     “I was being chased again,” it wasn’t the first dream where I had been chased by zombies or some kind of infected human hybrid. But they tend to creep up on me out of the blue sometimes. “They caught me and I got infected.” His hand came around me and held me a bit closer. I always felt silly admitting one of these dreams, every part of me tells me that these things are not real. They do not exist. Yet, once I am asleep and one of them starts the fear and terror set in. I can't tell him that they had been mirror images of me, even now I can rationalize it away; I am going to be my own down fall.

 

 

 


	17. Scruff

 

     “Zac?”

     “Yeah?” I could feel the awkwardness in the air around us. His arms loosen a bit from his tight grip on me and I can feel a wave of fear setting in during the silence.

     “You need a shave.” I could feel the heat flushing my cheeks.

     “Um…” The heat from his hand was suddenly on my cheek and I could feel the drag of the stubble as he ran a finger over my jaw. The drag made my head spin; pulling my lip between my teeth I bit down to try and distract from the urge to lean into his touch.

     “Do you trust me?” My heart felt as if it was going to jump from my throat.

     “I…I trust you.” He pulled away from me and I felt the bed shift as he got completely off the bed. Pulling myself up I crawled to the edge and carefully made my way to his attached bathroom. “Tay?”

     “Come here.” _Really?_

     “Tay.” He reached over and grabbed my shoulder and brought me around to sit on the toilet seat. The chill through my boxers left me shifting uncomfortably as I heard him moving about the room. There was a sudden rush of compressed air as the sound of the shaving cream filled the air.

     “Okay, ready?”

     “Yeah.” My chin was tipped up before I felt the cool cream being spread along my neck. I swallowed hard as I felt his fingers spread and drag along the stubble; rubbing the cream in so that there was a smooth layer along my skin. My skin felt as if the heat from his hand was going to ignite my skin; each pass of his hand was another long moment where his hand was pressed into my face. Small twinges in my lower region were threatening to overtake me; it was beginning to dawn on me that the touch was going to be too much when he released my chin and turned on the water in the sink so that he could rinse. I quickly brought my leg up and rested my ankle on my knee, not much coverage but at least it was something.

     “How are you doing over there? You’re awfully quiet.”

     “No one has ever shaved me before…. H…How are you?” My question came out a bit shaky, but I just really wanted to feel his hands on my face again. _If this goes well he might do it every week._ Just the thought of him shaving me every week or twice a week is nearly too much for me to handle.

     “I’m fine. Okay I have the blade now, don’t jump.” I appreciated the warning because as the blade touched my skin it felt really cold compared to the heat from his hand. The blade ran shivers down my spine as he went; turning my chin this way and that so that he could access my neck, jaw and chin.

     “Have, you ever been shaved?” I had to break the silence, interject some manner of thought into the air to break up the tension that was building in my chest.

     “No, and I have never shaved another either, please don’t move.” The blade came back to do another sweep. _God this is bliss._ After another few moments he released my jaw again and turned on the water.

 

 

 *************************************************************************************************************************************

 

 

     “Okay time to rinse.” I couldn’t believe how calm he looked as I had shaved him. The entire time he had had his eyes closed and a level of tranquility about him. _Does it feel that good?_ His eyelids flung open and there was a dark hunger written in them. The tranquility that had been level in his face nearly gone and the hunger that had replaced it lit a fire deep. _Bury it. Bury it deep Taylor._ I came back over to where he was sitting; wiping the sides of his face was easy. Grabbing his chin I tipped his head back again; I drug the damp cloth up his neck. I could feel the change in his breathing in the roll of his faint adam’s apple.

     “Are you okay?” My hand was starting to shake as I did another pass of his neck, collecting the faint reminisce of the shaving cream.

     “Yes.” His answer came out husky and clouded.

     “What are you thinking?” Every ounce of my body ached to know exactly the thought that had caused his answer to come out like that. His hand reached out and grasped my wrist, his fore finger lightly swept over the inner side of my wrist. I stood there frozen on the spot.

     “Thank you. I don’t think I could have done it by myself.” Pulling my hand away I tossed the cloth on the counter. His hands gripped my hips and he pulled himself into my middrif. It seemed so simple of a thing ten minutes ago, that I really hadn’t considered that this was something that might mean a lot to him. His body arched as he breathed, but his intake was a bit larger than normal. Looking down I could see his face buried into my lower abdomen. _Oh God._ Every image I have ever had of him going down on me began flashing in rapid concession; blurring my vison and making me want it now. I pulled my body away from him as by body began to respond to my mental assault of him.

     “Hey, you want some cakes?” His head jerked up so quickly I thought he might have given himself whiplash in the process. His eyes looked like silver dollars at the prospect of pancakes. A complete emotional change as the darkness was knocked from his face and replaced with childlike need. “Take that as a yes?”

     “Yeah.” His voice was light and young, happy even.

     “Okay, can you manage a shower?” He nodded and where part of me was grateful that he could manage it by himself. Another part had wanted to assist him all the same. He began to pull the tank over his head so I made my way back into my bedroom.

 

 

 **********************************************************************************************************************************

 

 

     “Hey, hey Tays…” Opening my eyes a bit I could see Zac holding his dinosaur blanket wearing one of my oversized shirts. I quickly close my eyes again and try to go back to sleep. His pudgy little hand came over and attempted to lift my eyelid. “Tays, cakes.”

     “Cakes?” I open my eyes again hoping that he wouldn’t try to open them again for me. He had a corner of the blanket in his mouth. His bright brown eyes stared at me from beneath the tangled mess of blonde hair. “Mom and dad?”

     “Uh uh,” His small form shook with him as he shook his head no. Crawling on to the bed he came to rest kneeling next to me. His eyes got really round and his lower lip pressed out. “Please Tays…” The pout had me, at four he already knew how to pout to get anything he wanted. But he was always so sweet about it. “TaysRex…”

     “Okay.” Throwing the blanket off of me, I managed to make my way off the other side of the bed. By the time I had made it around to the side he was on he was trying to get down. I waited for him and took him down the hall to the kitchen. “Where’s Jessi?”

     “Seeping.” He moved over to the dining room and attempted to push one of the heavy chairs over to the kitchen counter. I grabbed the edge of the chair and pulled it the rest of the way and he proceeded to climb up and sit on the counter. I glanced at the clock on the stove, 8:15. Mom must have taken Ike to school. I went to the pantry and got the pancake mix and set it on the counter; hearing the fridge open I quickly turned around in time to see Zac grabbing the carton of eggs carefully out of it. I quickly rushed and grabbed it from him before the edge could dip and spill the eggs all over the floor.

     “Tunes?” He quickly let go of the eggs and ran from the room. I had showed him earlier this week how to use the old record player and he seemed to really enjoy starting it. Setting the eggs down I glanced out of the kitchen and saw him sitting in front of the player, slowly tucking his hair behind his ears before lifting the record slowly out of the sleeve and setting it on the table. Heading back in I grab the milk and mixing bowl. Pouring the pancake mix and the milk in the bowl I leave it on the counter, instead turning my attention to getting the pan hot for his pancakes and starting a second one for my eggs. The music came to life and he came running back in still carrying his blanket. He crawled back onto the counter and pulled the bowl toward him and began mixing it together.

     “No lumps.” I smiled at his concentration as he gazed into the bowl. I cracked my eggs and began whipping them with some of the milk before putting it back into the fridge. A few moments later I had both the batter and the eggs cooking on the stove top. A low hum started and glancing over I saw him humming with the record.

 

 

 


	18. Lollipop, Lollipop

 

                The old memory seemed to chase away all the heated frustration that had hit me in the small bathroom. I couldn’t lie, I was grateful to be rid of the thoughts. They didn’t do me any good. They wouldn’t come to pass; it wasn’t what I wanted for him. Making my way into the living room I head straight for the docking station and shuffle through my music on my iPod before finding my oldies playlist. Within seconds music from the 50s to the 70s is filling the apartment. _Damn this feels right._ Moving into the small kitchen I turn the coffee maker on and begin pulling out everything that I would need for his cakes and my eggs. Soon the smell of coffee has filled the air with the music; my own personal energy saver. Pouring a cup, I continue to move around the kitchen. It takes me a moment or two before I realize that there is a second voice along with the higher ones of the Chordettes.

_“Call my baby Lollipop_

_Tell you why_

_'Cause he's sweeter than an apple pie_

_And when he does his shaky rockin' dance_

_Man I haven't got a chance_

_I call him_

_Lollipop Lollipop_

_Oh Lolli Lolli Lolli_

_Lollipop Lollipop”_

      Spinning around I can see him with towel dried hair sitting backwards on a chair in the entrance way of the kitchen. Though he has only been in the apartment for a few days he seems to have memorized the apartment in record time. _He probably knew the layout before._ I shake my head and watch as his lips come together to make a large popping sound at the end of the verse. His head was bobbing with the beat and he seemed so happy.

     “Sneaky.”

     “Sorry Tay.” His voice is light hearted and the smile on his face fills every corner. _Damn this could be so perfect._ “Smells good.”

     “Coffee?” As soon as the word comes out I suddenly regret the offer.

     “Nah.” He crossed his arms over the back of the chair and continued on singing with the end of the song. I watched him for a moment before remembering that the pancake on the stove was nearly burnt; pulling it off I shut the stove off and plate what I have.

     “Okay you gotta move to the table.” He carefully got up and sticking his hand out in front of him used it as a guide to bring the chair back to the table. He was quiet as hell as he tried not to bang the table. It tugged at my heart to see him trying so hard to make this relatively normal. Once he sat down I placed the plate in front of him and the realization of the difficulty of him eating something that he needed his fork for hit me. _Why pancakes? Why did we have to start with pancakes? Pizza the other night had been easy._ He had seemed able to move it from his plate to his mouth, using his fingers as guides to get it in his mouth.

    His hand slid on the table and ran along the edge of his plate until he felt the fork off the side. His eyes closed and the pain was instantly placed on his face. His chest heaved up and he evidently exhaled before picking up his fork and dragged the prongs through the syrup until the edge hit the stack of pancakes. I couldn’t help but completely forget about my untouched eggs as he so delicately slid the fork to its side and cut off a reasonable bite. His hand was shaking as he slid the fork around before feeling the weight of the cake on it. I wanted to desperately reach over and help him, to feed him like I used to when he was little. But though the pain etched on his brow there was a set determination as well to do this. His hand rose up from the plate and he leaned forward; that’s when I saw that his right hand was resting on the table edge. He was using his right hand to gage the distance between him and the table; him and his plate. I felt the edge of tears creeping to my vison as I watched him pull his fork to his lips and then use his lips to pull it into his mouth. The relief in his eyes seemed to ebb away the pain still on his brow now that he knew he could do this for himself.

_Did he even enjoy the shave?_ His body language had said that he had enjoyed it, but I was left running down the entire interaction to try and see if I remember seeing any trace of the same pain on his brow while I had moved the blade around his face. My memory kept coming up blank though.

     “Why aren’t you eating?” I jumped glancing down I could see the chill starting to set into my scrambled eggs.

     “I… was remembering when you used to come in and wake me up to make you pancakes.” I hadn’t wanted to share my reminiscing from earlier but it seemed like the better option than telling him I felt like crying. I could have said stuff, my customary response when I don’t want to answer. But his face was so full of emotions right this moment that I feared hiding anything from him. A smile spread across his face before he began the process of feeding himself again. He repeated the process and by the time we had finished, or rather he had because I hadn’t had the appetite anymore. There was hardly a drop of syrup on his face let alone the table top; something that he had never really managed to do when he could see.

     “Did I get it everywhere?” His voice shook as he spoke.

     “Less than you normally do actually.” His face flushed as I picked up our plates and moved them to the dishwasher. Coming back into the room I saw his hand slowly moving over the table top; looking for any trace amounts of a mess. Then his hand moved to his shirt and wiped at the fabric from his collar before trailing to his lap. My breathing caught as I watched his hand roam over his body. Though the harmless search for syrup was just that, harmless; watching his hand slowly move over the denim of his jeans made my body tingle to do the same. I watched him until he seem satisfied that I hadn’t lied to him.

     “What do you want to do today?” He jumped when I spoke; I felt a little guilty standing there with my coffee watching him explore himself. He seemed to be honestly thinking about what he would like to do; his eyes seemed unfocused and his breathing seemed even.

     “Will you read to me?” His voice sounded small. _Afraid?_ “We haven’t finished Flowers in the Attic yet.” My heart fell hard. I felt sick in my stomach suddenly. I had promised him we would finish that book before I moved out. Time had just gotten away from me. Next week had turned to a month and then six; then our struggle to establish our own label had taken over nearly every aspect of our lives. His lip pulled between his teeth and I saw the fear starting to creep into his eyes, his hands begun to shake. _Was he that afraid to ask me for something?_

     “Yeah, go get in bed. I’ll go get the book.” I saw him nod and carefully make his way back to my room. I went to the iPod dock and shut off the music. Walking over to the large book shelf in the corner of the living room I scanned the shelf and soon saw the worn cover of the book. I remember starting the book with him, I had just started it myself for the second time when he had wondered in and laid down next to me. I hadn’t been more than a chapter in when I noticed him reading over my shoulder. I felt uneasy with sharing it with him considering the subject of two siblings becoming involved. But I restarted the book and we had lain like that for a few hours, while I narrated the events written down. Pulling the book out I could still see the crease in the page where we had left off. The guilt was making me really regret being on my 3rd cup of coffee, yet being grateful that I hadn’t made it through my eggs. Back in the room I found Zac had arranged the pillows so that I could read to him propped up. He was sitting on the edge of the bed fidgeting while he waited.

     “We have to restart….” I sat down on the bed and scooted up against the pillows. “Zac… I am really sorry.” He had scooted up and placed a pillow on my lap and proceeded to lay his head in my lap.

     “We got busy. It’s okay.” There was a tinge of sadness in his voice but his face really said he was okay. _Had I taught him to hide that well?_ I unfolded the old marker and turned back to the front of the book and begun. “Chapter 1.”


	19. Shopping List

 

 

     The light snoring had caused me to stop reading. Looking down at him I could see he was completely out. Marking the page in the book I set it on the side table and leaned back on the remaining pillows. I have to give him credit he actually made it six chapters in this time before he had completely passed out. I began to run my fingers through the curls of his hair. He looked so peaceful.

 

 ****************************************************************************************************************************************

 

     I can’t breathe; it was the first thought that came to my mind. I began coughing; the pain raking my throat caused me to bring my hands up to my mouth to ease the amount of air getting through to my lungs. The moments seemed to lapse by as my rugged breathing became harder and harder. The space around me was dark. My heart started to race and I could feel the sweat starting to collect. Pulling my hands from my face they hit something only a few inches away from my face. _Breath, slow._ Running my hands over the object I found that the wooden plank traveled down as far as I could reach. Where ever I was it was enclosed and I didn’t have nearly any space at all.

     I could feel myself panicking as it became harder and harder to breathe, feeling the space around me I could feel that it wasn’t much bigger than I was. Then I heard something hit above me. There was a thud and what sounded like smaller thuds. Then a heaver thud followed by the same smaller ones, the air begun to get heavier, musty and the taste of dirt flooded my senses. I started to scream, and I could hear laughter above me as more and more dirt was piled on top of me. I started to thrash around as the panic fully set in, I was going to suffocate, I was going to die under piles of dirt in this small box.

 *********************************************************************************************************************************

 

     His form went rigid and his chest began gasping at the air. Rubbing his back I hoped that I could ease what was going through his mind, but his hand jumped to his mouth as his breathing slowed slightly.

     “Zac?” I tapped at his back a bit to try and get his attention. He tried to rotate slightly and then begun to thrash in my lap. “Zac!” I grabbed his shoulder and gave him a hard jerk. His eyes flew open and he continued to gasp at the air. I began rubbing his back lightly as I saw him slowly registering where he was.

     “Are you okay?” He crawled from my lap and stretched his neck before pulling himself up so he could lean on the headboard.

     “Sorry didn’t mean to fall asleep.” His breathing was still ragged, shaking his form slightly with each breath.

     “It’s okay, you want to talk about it?” his head shook quickly.

     “Just keep talking to me.”

     “Um… we are going to have to go shopping at some point. Is there anything that you would like to get?” I felt really silly talking to him about domestics while he sat in front of me nearly hyperventilating.

     “Uh… Boca burgers…” _What the fuck?”_

     “You want Boca burgers? When the hell did you start eating that?” I couldn’t remember the last time I had actually seen him eat a vegetable let alone an all veggie meal.

     “Don’t snub it until you try it.” His breathing was slowly coming back down, but my mind was still racing while trying to figure out who had bought them let alone talked him into eating a veggie burger.

     “Who actually got you to eat them?”

     “Carrick.” I felt a little queasy. Carrick and Zac had become really good friends during our recording. I had often wondered how close they actually really were but every time I had seen them I pushed the thought out of my memory.

     “How did he manage to get you to do that?”

     “I lost a poker game.” I lost it; I started laughing and I couldn’t stop.

     “You…you lost a poker game?”

     “Why is that so funny?” He sounded so irritated that it just made me laugh harder. His face was contorting into irritated confusion.

     “Because you sound so irritated that you got conned into eating a veggie burger and then ended up liking it!”

     “Com’ on Taylor quit it.” I bit my lip in effort to stop laughing but it was clear that he knew I was still on edge of laughing. Reaching over he managed to feel where my leg was and then jabbed me in the thigh.

     “Okay, okay. We can get veggie burgers….Better?” He nodded.

     “Thanks.” I reached over and touched his thigh and his leg tensed at the contact.

     “Why don’t you talk to me about them more? From my end I can see how bad they upset you. You can talk to me. I won’t tell anyone about them; it will just be you and me.” I could feel the tension move about the air; suffocating the space between us and wanting me to pull every word I had just spoken back.

     “I…I just can’t. Some of them I do share with you. But others, others I can't have anyone knowing about. They are too twisted.” He was shifting next to me; he looked so uncomfortable that I wondered when he went from telling me every dream he had to only telling me a few select few.

     “Maybe I could help you sort them out?”

     “No, Taylor….I…” He looked so frustrated and sad. Some part of him must want to talk about them. He sighed, he looked so defeated. “I dreamt that I had been buried alive. I was in a wooden box and the person was still shoveling dirt on top of the box. They were laughing.” He looked so pale.

     “I’m sorry. You dream about death quite a bit don’t you?” He was facing away from me but he nodded.

     “It won’t do any good to talk about it. They are just figments of my hyperactive imagination.” I heard our father’s words echoed in his voice. Zac had been six when our father had told him that he needed to stop over reacting to his nightmares. That it was all the sugar that he consumed that caused the nightmares. The following two months he had refused to eat anything with sugar in it to prove that it wasn’t the sugar. That had also been the first time he had slept walked out of the house.

     “Zac, if you talk about them you give them less power.”

     “What good will it do? What difference would it make?” His voice rose up; the telling sign of his mood swing before the blast. “If you knew that sometimes the zombies that chase me are identical clones of myself or that I have walked out of our home to find all my siblings bodies strewn or hung? What would be different?” It came out in a rush, his body shivered while he spoke. I couldn’t say anything. Moving closer to him I pulled him into my arms. His body struggled slightly and then gave in to my embrace. I hardly had ever had to force any contact with him and it stung, but as he submitted and I held him I could mentally picture what he spoke of. The thought of walking out of our home and seeing any of our siblings dead chilled me to the bone and I held him tighter.

     “You need to talk about them so they are not cramped up in there.” I kissed the top of his head for emphasis. “You can tell me all of them, the frightening, the twisted, and the beautiful ones.” His head shot up and though I knew he couldn’t see me I got the impression that the reaction would have been followed with a look to read my soul. “I Promise.”  

     “I will continue to tell you about some. But I can't tell you all of them.” His head fell into my chest and I could feel the end of the conversation. _Does this mean he will tell you more or not?_ The longer I held him the calmer he became and soon he was completely relaxed in my embrace.

 

 


	20. Space

 

 

     I listened to his heart beat and the steady breathing beneath me for several long moments. _You’re pushing you luck._ I had already been lying on his chest for a while, this can't last forever. I sighed and pulled myself from him.

     “Where are you going?” Part of me really didn’t know, I wanted to continue to lie in his arms but part of me was so irritated that I needed the space from him.

     “Bathroom.” I managed to make my way to the bathroom without tripping over anything. Once inside I let myself drop to the cool tile floor. _How long do you actually think you can have this?_ I shivered as the thought ran through me. It hurt my chest and nearly every inch of me to know that I couldn’t have him forever. The last few days have been a roller coaster of emotion and though most of it had been good, there had been pain too. I had been short, cranky and quick to temper at the drop of a pin. It was like early puberty all over again. _You only have a few more moments before he comes looking._ Sighing, I pulled myself from the ground with the help of the counter and turned on the sink. Feeling my way around I manage to rinse my face so I could go back out and face him.

     “Zac?”

     “Yeah?” I shake my head at my predictable brother.

     “You okay?” I opened the door and smile lightly.

     “I am alright Tay.” I brought my hand out and found that he was once again only a foot or so away. I managed to find his shoulder and gripped lightly; he turned and led us back to the bed. He didn’t seem to mind that I used him even though we both knew that I knew the way. I crawled onto the side he brought me to. Sitting back I brought my knees up to my chin and waited for him to climb on.

     “So do you want to do that shopping?” I could hear the hope in his voice, but the idea of actually trying to maneuver a store at the moment wasn’t really appealing. “You want to stay here?” His voice was light and didn’t sound hurt. I nodded slightly.

     “Okay, it might take me a bit. Do you want me to put Netflix on for you?” I felt like a damn animal being placated until his master got home. Then I just felt sick with my thoughts. _Really Zac, he’s trying so damn hard._

     “Please.” A few moments later the intro for American Dad started up and I could feel the Wii remote being set next to my leg.

     “Zac, it’s going to take time. You are doing great but there is no need to rush it. The Doctor wanted you to rest and take it easy for a bit.” He squeezed my arm and then I heard his keys move and the sound of him collecting his wallet and phone. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

     “Drive safe Tay.”

     “Always.” I waited for the front door to open and close and then dropped down onto the bed completely. Pulling his pillow to me I could smell him. I continued to fill my lungs with his scent. Trying to wrap myself in it, I craved the comfort that he gave me. I could feel myself dropping, as if every amount of emotion was about to flood through me. Pulling his pillow to me I screamed into it.

 

************************************************************************************************************************************* 

 

     Closing the door behind me I made my way down to the truck once there I pulled my keys from my pocket and paused. They weren’t my keys. Looking at the ring I could see the small Lego man hanging amongst the keys. I couldn’t help but smile at the little guy before turning and heading back up to the apartment to get my keys vs. Zac’s. Opening the door I heard the muffled scream accompanied by the slight sob. Shoving the door closed I quickly made my way back to the room. He was wrapped up in my blanket and sobbing into my pillow. In that moment I saw every ounce of shield gone from his body as all that had happened seemed to hit him at once. The man lying in my bed shook from head to toe and seemed so broken from the happy go lucky man that he always presented. I moved cautiously to his side and crawled onto the bed; effectively wrapping my body around his curled form. His body stiffened so quickly that I could feel that I had invaded a very privet moment. The sobs were still shaking his form as he tried to compose himself.

     “Stop, hiding. It is just me, let go.” He took a few moments before I felt his body drop as his emotions took hold. He squirmed in my arms and finally turned to me and buried his face into my chest. The sobs continued and his body tremored as my shirt begun to dampen and the muffled sounds scraped at my core. The minutes seemed to slip by as his body continued to shake.

     “I am going to promise something to you.” He held me a little tighter as he continued to try to become one with my shirt. “But you need to make a promise to me as well.” I paused so that I knew he was paying attention to what I was saying.

     “I promise to always be here for you, no matter what happens or what you tell me. But you need to promise to be yourself, if that means screaming, crying or laughing. I need you to be you; I don’t need you to plaster a fake smile or joke.” I pulled back from him and forced his face up so I could see his eyes. I wish he could see how serious I was but I hopped the action itself would be enough to convey how important this was. The absolute fear that I saw scared me though, it wasn’t just mirrored in his eyes, it was etched in every space of his face.

     “And if you see something you don’t like?” His voice shook and the fear and doubt seemed to double as I held his attention.

     “I won’t lie to you. It might happen. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know about it.” His brown eyes stared back, full of fear and not seeing me at all but instead focusing somewhere off behind me.

     “Zac, I don’t promise unless I know I can keep it.” He nodded and continued to stare past me. His dark brown eyes were soaked and the rims were still full of unfallen tears; his cheeks reddened from crying. Still something in the way he looked made him look doubtful though; pulling him back into my chest I held him tighter. His body seemed to fully relax and I just held him as his silent tears kept coming; though the deep sobs seemed to slow to a complete stop. I had seen him cry after nightmares but finding him like this was something so completely different. There was no trace of childishness in the way he held me; it was a death grip of a scared man.

 

 

 

 


	21. Secrets

 

 

                “Thanks Ike, I really appreciate you doing this for me.” I grabbed a few of the plastic bags from his arms and after setting them on the counter begun to examine their contents. Milk, bread, cheese, Zac’s requested Boca burgers and the few other items that I thought would get us through the next couple of days.

                “Sure. Taylor….Are you sure he is going to be okay?” I had been brief with him on the phone after Zac had passed out; only telling him that I really couldn’t leave the house.

     “It’s just all setting in for him right now. I think the last few weeks have been a bit of a shocked haze vs. him just taking it really well.” Isaac moved over and begun to lean on the wall near the fridge as I moved over the pizza box to fit the milk in.

     “Mom wants to know if you need anything, seemed to think that Dad might not have offered.”

     “No Dad offered; he just did it in the same breath as telling Zac that he was a burden.” I shoved the fridge door closed and glanced over at him. He seemed to understand without me needing to go over the entire encounter. “Did you hear from Mom or Dad as well?”

     “Doesn’t really matter Taylor, Dad just doesn’t want you to miss out because you feel like you have to take care of everyone.”

     “Are you taking sides?” His hands went up defensively.

     “I am just relaying. Don’t shoot the messenger.” He gave the apartment a glance over and I watched as his eyes lingered on Zac’s haphazardly discarded belongings; his shoes lying more in the middle of the room than off to the side. Walking over I grabbed them and tucked them under the coffee table.

     “Do you think he will be willing to see another doctor?”

     “He will, but he won’t like it. Isaac you didn’t see how they had treated him when he woke from surgery. It was hard enough to get him to go to checkups as a child.” I dropped down onto the couch and watched as he opened my fridge and pulled out two beers before joining me and handing me one.

     “So it’s back to parenthood for you then?” He took a large swig of his beer.

     “It’s not like that with Zac.”

     “Taylor I just watched you go over and pick up his shoes.” He took another sip. “Don’t get all testy with me about it, I am just saying you have to let him care for himself or in another few weeks you will be pulling your hair out again. Isn’t that why you moved out; because you got tired of caring for the brood?” It was partially true; it was what I told our parents and what I told Isaac. It had been time for me to move out, to take care of just me for a change.  

     “He is taking care of himself, that’s part of the problem.” I rubbed at my temples before taking a sip from my beer. “Zac is trying too hard to do everything for himself; from feeding himself to trying to put his things away. Really he actually ate pancakes without getting it all over his shirt, but what is difficult is that he isn’t talking. He isn’t telling me what is going through his mind to the point that when I tried to leave earlier, came back in for my keys and I found him completely curled in a ball.” I felt guilty about disclosing something so personal, but it came out in such a rush that I was left staring down at my beer like it was the cause. But all the same I took another swig of the beer.

     “That’s not like him.”

     “I can't recall a time I have seen him like that; not even when he had a nightmare.”

     “Shit.” He had stopped mid sip to watch me. Zac for sure had a flare for dramatics sometimes but he was more dramatic in the since that he would be weird to deflect vs attract attention to the real issue.

     “Don’t tell him I told you about it, he would never forgive me.”

     “Ha! That’s an understatement Taylor. He would probably pout for three weeks before telling you he wants pancakes and a pet velociraptor.” I hated the guilt flooding my stomach; the sick churning was making me want to forgo the other half of my beer.

     “You’re probably right.”

     “Taylor, I know I am and I also know that you would make him a mountain of pancakes and buy him every raptor looking thing in a 50 mile radius.” I could feel the glare on my brow and tried to quickly rearrange the feature. Isaac took a swig from his beer and peered at me over his can.

     “That’s not fair Isaac. I don’t give him everything he asks for.”

     “Sure Taylor, just like you didn’t let him bounce from one side of the house to the other.” Isaac’s brow came together in irritation; the constant understanding that he and I would never see eye to eye on Zac. “Look, if you need help with him just ask. Don’t lose yourself in caring for him. Go out, date.” Once again my elder brother was pointing out that it had been a while since I had gone out on a date and his near constant reminder each time we saw each other made me not want to tell him when I did go out with someone all the more.

     “Thanks Isaac.”

 

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     Their voices had been carrying down the hall for the better part of an hour. But still I hadn’t found the courage to exit Taylor’s room and face them. I’m actually surprised that Tay hadn’t come to check and make sure that I was still asleep; especially considering the way the conversation had been going. Even our elder brother was warning Taylor about my needy behavior. I just couldn’t move though; sitting against the wall next to the slightly cracked door I could hear everything that they were saying. I felt like I was 10 again listening into their conversations, wondering what was so much older that I couldn’t hear too. But I felt raw, Taylor had moved out because he hadn’t wanted to take care of us anymore. In some ways I guess it made sense. But damn did it hurt that he couldn’t voice it to me.

_You could probably make it to your room, lock the door and they wouldn’t even notice._ I cracked the door a bit and cringed when it creaked. But their voices hadn’t paused so I figured I could make it across the hall, where I could lock myself away. I slowly pulled myself up and crept across the hall, as my fingers slipped along the handle I pushed the door open. The creek seemed to echo around me.

     “Zac?” Taylor’s voice carried down the hall and I felt sick. Going toward them was the last thing that I wanted to do. Turning form the sanctuary of the room, I moved down the hall, using the wall as a guide I came to a leaning position once I hit the end.

     “Hey Zac, how you doing?” Isaac’s stage host voice circled around my skull. _I feel like everyone around me is talking behind my back._

     “Fine.” The silence seemed to stretch as it became clear that both of my brothers were trying to figure out how long I had been up. “Thanks for going to get stuff for us; I kind of lost my shit earlier.” _Just rip it off like a band aid._

     “That’s not… what I heard.” Poor Isaac; got to give him credit though, he at least was trying to lie.

     “Sure.” I felt my lips form in my mocking ‘sure’ fashion that Taylor is fond of using with people.

     “Zac, I didn’t mean…” Taylor sounded defeated and truly guilty.

     “Spillage; it happens.” I couldn’t stand the silence anymore. “Really its fine.” I moved from the hall way and into the small kitchen. Three steps and the fridge was off to my left, the cool metal was a welcome. Pulling the door open I moved my hand over the shelf, lightly feeling the contents until my hand fell on the chilled glass bottles in the cardboard box. _Beer or Taylor’s bottled Cokes?_ Pulling a bottle free I held it out past the door.

     “Uh… That’s mine, I’m taking it with me when I go.” Isaac’s voice was suddenly a lot closer to me and I felt the bottle lifted from my grasp.

     “Beer then.” I stuck my hand back in the fridge and eventually my hand roamed over a chilled metal can. “Mine?”

     “Zac, if you want a beer you can have one.” Taylor’s voice was a bit closer but it was still very guilt ridden.

     “I highly doubt that it would be a good idea for me to have a beer at the moment. The can?”

     “It’s Dr. Pepper.” I closed the fridge and carefully twisted the can in my fingers until I felt the right direction for the tab. Popping it open I took a large swig, feeling the large carbonated lump freeze in my throat before managing to make it to my stomach.

     “Want to sit with us?” A hand met mine and I could feel the soft yet firm hand that belonged to Taylor. I nodded and he guided my hand to his shoulder and took us the 17 steps to where the couch was. Sitting down I twisted the can round and round in my hand in the awkward silence.

     “Avery wanted to know if you wanted the paint supplies that you left at the house.” Isaac seemed to have decided to completely ignore the awkwardness and went straight on to a new topic as if the last hour hadn’t even happened.

     “Nah she can have them.”

     “She will be overjoyed to hear it. Apparently she has had her eyes on it the entire tour but wanted to wait until you got home to ask.”

     The next hour consisted of uneasy conversation between the three of us, trying to make small talk and trying to pretend like I hadn’t heard anything. It wasn’t bad conversation just stressed. Isaac and Taylor had a few more beers and they had seemed to be a bit buzzed when Isaac finally decided to leave the apartment. I could hear Taylor closing the door and making his way back to where I was on the couch.

     “Zac, how much did you overhear.”

     “Most of it, it’s fine Taylor I just want to forget it.” I felt tired. His hand slid onto mine before tugging at it. I followed its direction and found myself being led off of the couch completely. Taking me down the hall he turned us into his room before letting my hand go, I made my way to my side of his bed. Adjusted and gotten comfortable when his hand tugged at my shoulder, sitting back up he guided me into his nook and held me close.

     “I’m sorry.” His breath was heavy with the smell of beer and I wondered how many times this role had been reversed in the previous years. How many times had I crawled into his bed drunk off my ass and insisted that he hold me or crawled up behind him to breath on his neck. I nodded into his chest and felt him sigh in relief. I felt like I was taking advantage of him, using his buzzed state to be close to him. Letting his need for drunken contact override any sense of responsibility on my part; but I just wanted it too much.

 

 

 

 


	22. Mood Swings

                “Zac, I will be back around three to pick you up for your appointment….. Okay?” I nodded in his voice’s direction hoping that he caught the gesture. It had been a restless night as my mind kept coming back to Isaac’s words as well as circling around the thought of how much I had used him while I was drinking. Though that conversation had happened over two weeks ago, when ever my mind idled it seem to go back to it. It had been two months since I moved into Taylor’s apartment and our life, at least to me, was just nearly perfect. We spent most of the day together like always, sometimes he would play video games, other times we would just sit and I would listen to some movie. If this was what our life would be like if we were together I could die a happy man. Hell if I died now the only thing that I would ask would be to see his face one last time.

                ““Zac?”

                “Yeah, uh … you’ll be back ‘bout three’.” I could swear that he was shaking his head at me so I smile toward the direction that his voice was coming from, knowing that this time he was looking at me.

                “Just be ready okay?”

                “I’ll be ready.” He had said that he needed to run some errands before my appointment; ones that he needed to do on his own. Part of me felt left out but I figured that since I was monopolizing most of his time I shouldn’t bitch much. He squeezed my arm and after a bit I could hear the front door close. He hadn’t left me alone very much since that first time and now all I felt was; completely… alone. The apartment just wasn’t the same without him. I just didn’t know what to do. I got up from the couch and I wondered down the hall. I didn’t need the guidance of the walls anymore, but I still outstretched my fingers to trail on the walls. I had been trying to keep my hands clean so I wouldn’t leave fingerprints on the wall but I was pretty sure that there had to be light marks by now. I liked feeling the indentations of the stucco though as I walked. Even though my hands have always been sensitive it seems that now they have become even more so. I dropped my hand before I reached Taylor’s door, turn right, and make my way to his bed. As I crawled onto the bed I could feel the fold of the blankets all balled up in the center.

                 Since I had moved in I could tell some of his long ingrained habits had been slowly disappearing. The bed was made every once in a while and occasionally I would even find that the sink still had a dish or two. I had to pull and untangle the bedding a bit but I managed to pull them up and around me. I snaked my hand out amongst the span of the bed until I felt his pillows; pulling them to me and into my arms I buried my face into the cool fabric. It still smelled of him. I never dared doing this when we lived at home; I was always so worried that someone would walk in and catch me, a valid fear when you think of how many of us there really are.

 

               **************************************************************************************************************************

 

                  3:10 pm. The clock on the dash was about 20 minutes fast so really it was 2:50, and he was nowhere. I am starting to come to the realization that I will have to go in and get him when I see the soles of his shoes quickly followed by the rest of him. His dark jeans hugged him well as I took the rest of him in. Usually he keeps it simple, jeans and a band shirt, but as he hustled down the steps it was clear that he had taken the time to really try to put himself together. He had a simple white undershirt and an open short sleeve blue button down on and as he rushed down the path it was plastered on his chest. He came to a halt just before the pavement and that is where all of his certainty of where he was going vanished.

                   It was crushing; it had been so long since I had seen him actually excited about something since the accident, except maybe the prospect of moving in with me. When I had asked him if he really wanted to move in, his face had lit up like I had promised the world. I knew what it would mean for me, having my brother living with me, but I don’t think I really had anticipated exactly what it would mean for him. I leaned over and popped open the truck door and it swung the rest of the way until the edge hit his outstretched hand. That was the deal, if I couldn’t park in our space I would pop, the door from the inside. I couldn’t fault his request, it made him feel independent and his hearing was so good he had probably heard me pull up near the path before he had reached it.

                   “Hey Tay.” He was already busy buckling his seat belt and readjusting in the seat until he found a more comfortable position. He had showered too.

“Lookin’ good, who’s the girl?”

 

 ***************************************************************************************************************************

 

                “There’s no girl…” I guess I kind of went overboard; I shifted uncomfortably in the passenger seat. I had really just wanted to be decent for once; it had taken nearly 20 minutes just to figure out if I had the right outfit.

                “You sure you don’t have a date with your doctor instead?” It was an innocent enough jab, but it stung. Since I had realized I had feelings for him I had been trying to attract his attention but instead it always ended the same; him asking me if I had a date with some girl. It didn’t seem to matter what I did, if I found a new cologne or dressed differently it had to be because I was trying to attract a new girl. No, no new girl just the same guy I had been falling in love with for the last few years.

                “My doc, is a dude… and in his mid-fifties Tay.” There was an edge to my voice that I didn’t like. Was I moody already? Damn that happened fast.

                “Just checking, you are just very put together for a doctor’s appointment.” I had hardly left the comfort and safety of our apartment since we got home. It always felt odd being out and about knowing that most people still didn’t know. I had to keep a hand on Taylor’s shoulder if we did leave and walking through the corner store it tended to stand out.

                “Glad you like.” I sounded more dead than actually appreciative after his comment. I could hear his body shift before the music turned up a bit. I leaned back in the chair and tried to picture the road we were on. But my mind kept coming up blank. I hadn’t the heart to tell Tay that my memory was getting fuzzy or maybe it was just that I didn’t want him to pity me.

                “Tay?”

                “Hmmm?”

                “How far away are we?” I closed my eyes hoping that he wouldn’t be able to see how much pain I was in from his comment and a slight admittance that I couldn’t recall what road we were on.

                “We just passed 15th street, shouldn’t be too long.” It was like fire cracker went off in my mind and I could mentally see the dark green building that housed a multitude of sweets.

                “Can we get snickerdoodles after?”

                “Uh… sure..” I could hear the confusion in his tone and my heart sank a little, my way wasn’t his way. We clearly were not on South Harvard. The pause filling with music was more than I could bare and I hoped that my face was not giving away how shitty I was beginning to feel.

“Yeah… we could run by Merritt’s on our way back.” I smiled weakly at him and turned so I was facing the window again and let the pain rush over me. I was only marginally grateful that he remembered that Merritt’s was my snickerdoodle hot spot. The rest of the way to the office was filled with just the sound of the radio. When we came to a stop I was up and out of the truck before he had taken off his seat belt. I couldn’t help it; this was the first time in months that I just needed space between him and me. Mostly so he wouldn’t be able to see the look on my face. I was close to losing the only composure that I had left and I needed to get into a public space where my instincts would kick my emotions ass.

                “Zac….Zac!!” His hand made contact with my shoulder before I had passed the bed of the truck. “Zac… What the hell?” I could feel the heat coming to my checks, he can read me like an open book and though I had hoped to just let this pass it seemed it wasn’t going to happen.

                “Can we just get this over with Tay? Nothing has changed. From week three to week seven nothing has changed so can we…” What the hell, my emotions were on high alert and before I had consciously decided to speak, let alone speak about my lack of vision, words had come tumbling out of my mouth and I was nearing my breaking point.

 

********************************************************************************************************************************** 

 

                My heart was racing as I stood there in the crowded parking lot watching as my brother held onto the truck tailgate as if it was the only thing keeping him in front of me. In the 20 or so minutes since I had picked him up I had seen him shift from the care free man that I missed to a depressed shadow of the man that he used to be. I missed the way my brother used to be, the strong, confident, and near constant happy go lucky guy. It killed me to sit and watch him just stare blankly out the window on our drive but to see him now it just broke my heart.

                “Please…” his entire body shook when he spoke, his voice breaking before the word had escaped his lips. I stepped forward and as my body cleared the space between us I could feel my heart beat race at the proximity between us. His hand slipped up and came to rest on my shoulder and though what I really wanted was to take him back home I begun the walk past the multi colored cars in the parking lot before stepping through the automated doors. As we drew closer to the receptionist table his had fell from my shoulder and though his face had transformed itself into a plastered on ‘I am fine’ look for the public, though only I could see the storm that was raging in his eyes.

                “Appointment for Zac Hanson.” His voice was cool, collected and even. It was damn near about pleasant that it sickened me as the words slipped from his lips. The pit of my stomach dropped, his tones made every nerve ending I had stand on edge. The receptionist didn’t even give him a courtesy glance before his fingers started punching into the computer in front of him.

                “Area 4, Its going to be….”

                “Round the large vase that I am told looks like a four year old splattered with paint, past the cafeteria, a left at the T until I reach the elevators. Take that up to the fourth floor and wait an hour for the doctor.” The sting in his voice cut like razors as the cool tones slipped over his lips with rancor. I could feel my checks drain of color as his words sunk in for both me and the man behind the desk. It felt like the entire hospital stopped and all I could hear were the ticks of the seconds and my own harsh breathing.

                “I’m sorry; it’s a speech that I have heard too many times.” His voice had turned defeated, and I found that for the first time in a long time I had no words to say. I couldn’t apologize to the man behind the desk and though part of me wanted to slap Zac upside the head, his last words were enough to make me feel slapped myself. He didn’t wait for me to offer a shoulder and instead his right hand cleared the foot between himself and the counter and he turned right to follow his own directions. I felt glued to the spot as I watched him take ten steps before his fingers made contact with the hallway wall and he continued on his way through the throng of people who seemed oblivious to him. There was no bounce in his step, and no determined motion to the steps he took and I soon found my body moving to catch up to him. I jogged the few paces to catch up to him only to find that I just fell instep behind him. He didn’t pause and his fingertips continued to drag along the wall, only breaking contact for the few moments to drag along the waist tall vase that actually looked like something that my brother would have painted vs. a four year old.

                I wanted to say something but as I followed I just saw his shoulders dip a bit, his emotion was near about palatable. My eyes dropped from him and instead switched to watching the checkered patterns on the thin carpet as my chucks crossed over them. Zac led us all the way to the elevators, punched the arrow and waited a second for the empty elevator to clear in his uncertainty before stepping into the mirrored container and pressing the four. The doors shut and the upward motion made me want to sink into the floor. His hand outstretched and made contact with my belt loop. The slight tug brought me back to reality as his body turned and pulled me into a full hug. His body shook and shivered as he clung to my shirt, his head near about forcing its burrow into the space between my collar and jaw. His need for physical contact was evident and overwhelming as I held him.

 

 ****************************************************************************************************************************

 

                I don’t know what possessed me but it was almost like an electrical current raced through me as the elevator started its upward motion. I needed him; I needed the comfort that only he could give me. As my arms encircled him and my body pressed into him I could feel him tense before his arms came around to hold me. I felt so sick with myself. The man holding me had altered his entire life around me as far back as I can remember. Though I knew he probably wanted nothing more than for me to let go of him the moment my arms solidified their death grip, he held me. I could feel his heart racing through his chest at my suddenness and as quick as my action had been my mind lit up some neon sign in the deep darkness of my mind. _You’re In Public, Cameras._ I gave him the slight squeeze and pulled from him. I didn’t want to, I wanted to locate the ‘stop’ elevator button and sit in his arms for as long as I could; but it just isn’t an option. As I pulled away I felt absent of warmth, void of every amount of the comfort that he offered. As if my urge to gain control had actually stripped me of every ounce that gave me anything but numb. Numb and empty.

                There was a slight jerk and the elevator came to a stop and I felt the grind of the gears as the doors slid back so that we could exit. I stood there, feeling completely drained in the darkness. His cool fingers grazed at the slight skin of my hand before taking hold of my hand completely in his, the coolness offering a calming breeze as he guided me from the metal box and into the open waiting area. We walked a few feet and I could feel the edge of a chair in my right hand, I grabbed the armrest and guided myself into the chair and felt Taylor’s leg as he sat beside me.

                “Zac…”

                “I shouldn’t have talked to the receptionist like that. Sorry.” My tone was cut and paste, it was absent of any ounce of emotion a deadness that I had been fighting for weeks; telling myself over and over again that it didn’t matter, that I was trading my sight for my brother’s time. I felt sick again. I had dreamed about endless hours with him only to find myself with endless darkness and monopolizing his entire life.

                “Zac?” his tone had gone from the slight edge of concern to absolute worry.

                “Do you feel obligated to take care of me?” The question had been pressing on my mind as long as I can remember. He had cared for me as a far back as I could remember and now as adults here he was forgoing his entire bachelor lifestyle to spend time with me and my disability. There was another long pause as the question sunk in for both of us. My realization that I take advantage of him for my own personal ache to be with him and the possibility that he might actually feel obligated to take care of me because he has always taken care of me.

 

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                Zac’s words bounced off of every wall and every edge of my silent mind. ‘Do you feel obligated to take care of me?’. Looking into his face I could see as every second that passed a new block being cemented in place to close me out.

                “Zac, it’s not an obligation that I care for you.” As the words left my lips I could see his mistrust in his glazed eyes. He was so raw sitting next to me, yet I didn’t know what to more to say. “If it was in reverse would you feel obligated to care for me?”

                “No, I would welcome the chance to care for you.” The panic in his eyes made little sense to me as he spoke. “But, with me it’s different. You have always cared for me.” It was true; from feeding him as a baby to making sure he had everything he could possibly want.

                “You spend all your time with me, Taylor, nearly every second of the day.” His words hung in the air like a mist.

                “D…Do you want time on your own.” His words were cutting me to the bone. Before the accident, before I moved out, he had never had a problem spending time with me. Deep in the back of my mind, I could hear my own voice back at me, ‘ _He knows it’s wrong_.’ My gut dropped and I felt as if I was going to be sick again. My every move since I was 16 had been an aggressive battle of tug of war, with the want of him and the fear of him knowing.

 

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                “No Taylor!” I felt exasperated. The last thing I wanted was to be away from him. “But I will always be this way. It’s not going to change.” My last words felt gritty in my mouth; once again today I had admitted that this was it.

                “Zac, I am not going anywhere and neither are you.” The finality of his words seemed to hold a question as well as the ‘this is it’ ‘this is the way it’s going to be’ tone.

                “Mr. Hanson?” My head shot off to the left where the voice had sounded and I felt the end of our conversation. Though I couldn’t say I felt better about it or not. Getting up I felt Taylor’s hand settle on my shoulder and guide me from behind so I wouldn’t run into any of the other people in the room; if there were any.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

               

 


	23. This is It

 

                I felt myself being steered through imaginary hallways as the nurse escorted Taylor and Taylor escorted me to some room where we would wait for my untimely doctor as usual. Maybe she could feel the tension between us, some sort of self-preservation instinct; as she didn’t say anything the entire time we walked.

                “Okay here you go; the doctor will be in shortly.” I heard the door close and shut us up in a room where our tension could collect. I moved from Taylor’s grasp and found the examination table in the center of the room, feeling the cold edges of the table I guided myself so that I was sitting on the edge.

               “Zac,” His voice was followed by a step or two before I felt his hand on my face. The warmth of the way he said my name combined with the heat from his hands was creating a lump in my throat; a deep ache that made it impossible to speak. “Calm, shhhh….” His thumb wiped at the tear that spilled over, a light pass across my face that only made me want to cling to him more. I felt his breath hit my forehead before his lips pressed my brow; a contact that burned through my core that I would have to try to push from my mind.

 

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                The appointment went the same way the last few had gone. The doctor asked him if he was seeing any shadows or lights of any kind. The answer was still no. Over the last few appointments I had watched his shoulders drop more and more as the realization of his blindness set in completely. Now, after two months, and three different doctors, it really did seem permanent, and it could be seen in his face. The level of acceptance that had over taken him had also completely shut him down. Glancing over at him while I drove I could see his head set on the window, his eyes looking deep out into the world, yet seeing nothing as we drove home.

                “Snickerdoodle?” I felt bad for my lapse in memory earlier but now on the way home, all I really wanted to see was that confident man bounding down the steps again.

                “Nah, not feelin’ it.” His eyes closed and I felt a rip in my heart.

                It took us less time to get home than it did to get there. While I pulled into our parking space I watched as his arm crossed and unbuckled his belt, I followed his lead only to find myself repeatedly pressing down on the release button with no result. The repetitive clicks only mocking me and holding me captive longer, his left hand grazed my leg and I froze. The contact was so sudden that I hadn’t even seen the movement until I felt the blazing heat on my thigh. His hand trailed the outside of my thigh until he found the belt latch and he gave it a swift push, it came free. I watched as his hand settled on my thigh, gave a squeeze and then he moved to open his door. The walk into the apartment was just as quiet as the drive. He moved through the threshold and suddenly he was in his element again. A memorized mapped out layout of our home. Yet, he stopped dead center in the living room, kicked off his shoes, and turned around to face me.

 

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          “Why?” The entire way home I just kept coming back to him telling me this was it. That it was just him and me; it didn’t sit well for me, I wanted so much more for him; I wanted more for me too. I heard his foot falls as he crossed to me, I could feel my shoes being moved more off to my left, then I could smell his cologne; that familiar spiciness that threatened to take over my senses completely and leave me reeling.

          “Why, what?”

          “Why do you want to keep taking care of me? Why do you put up with me? Why?” It was out in a rush. My words falling so quickly that I wasn’t even sure that I had said them. Then the fear started to set in as to where this conversation could go; him asking me to leave, me losing the only good thing that I really cherish.

          “I love you; you are my brother, and my best friend. I am not going anywhere, if you want to go you can.” His voice was even and so sure of himself that it made me feel small.

          “You want me to go?” I reached out and found that he was less than a foot in front of me. I set my left hand over his heart. I needed the contact, needed him to ground me, I needed some way to read him other than his misleading tones, I always need him, my need always making me feel ill that I wanted him so badly.

         “No I don’t want you to go. But if you want to leave, you can; no one is keeping you here with me.” His voice was even, collected and I couldn’t stand it. The lack of facial expressions, the way I had always read him. I was constantly lost in what he was saying because he could say it so calmly and mask what he was feeling. My hand jumped from his chest and went straight to his lips, I felt them part and the breath hit my fingers in his shock. I ran my fingers over his lips, around the curve of his jaw, feeling the excess scruff. My movements seemed suspended in time yet swift all at once as I moved them over his cheek bones along his brow, under his eyes and back to his lips. I brought up my other hand and rested it on his chest, over his heart. The beat was pounding, his breath was coming quick. I felt all the emotion on my fingers as they lingered again on his lips, yet I was still missing the connecting cord. Is he uncomfortable, is he excited, scared, mad.

         “Zac?” His lips formed my name and traced it over my fingertips; his tone was shaky, uncertain?

 

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          “This is it? Just you, just me?” His words held so much weight as I stood there. His hand over my heart and his fingers on my lips, could he feel that it was about to burst from me? His fingers had been gentle; they had been quick in trying to read my face. But gentle; and they felt so good.

          “Yes Zac.” My voice sounded so desperate to my own ears. His fingers trailed over my lips, as I whispered the words into them, tracing the outline of my upper lip to where it met my bottom. He had only once touched my face like this, the moment he woke in the hospital. His fingers moved from my lips and tugged at the scruff on my jaw, he pulled his lip between his teeth and his brow came together. His facial expressions leading me to wonder what was passing through his mind; his right hand left my chest and for a moment I was grateful that he couldn’t feel my heart beat any longer. Instead of settling at his side though, he moved it to my neck, and traveled it behind. I blinked and when I opened my eyes his face was no more than an inch from mine and his lips were brushing mine. His aim perfect, his lips pulling mine into a kiss that was making my head spin. His grip left me enough room to pull back, to stop this right here right now. But my body fell into his, pressing myself into the kiss getting lost in the depth at which it pulled. My mind tugged and I felt myself refuse to be pulled back into reality of it; but he kissed me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	24. It Was Only a Kiss

 

     I have no idea what passed through my mind, maybe it was because I couldn’t see his face that I risked everything we shared. If he pulled away I would be spared the humiliation of seeing his condemning eyes. But he hadn’t yet pulled away. My hand was still at the nape of his neck with a few strands curled around my fingers while my lips pressed into his and sucked at his lower lip. The panic was beginning to edge, my skin was beginning to heat and I could feel my chest tightening. _God, Please._ His body wasn’t responding, his hands had not moved to me and I could feel the tension in his body. The ground was beginning to open and I wish I could fall into the pit of hell that I had crawled from. The pressure was light at first. Then I found his body leaning. The tension was lessening and his lips were moving with mine. That was all I needed, every edge of uncertainty left, I let myself drop into my lips.

    Every ounce of me wanted him to feel the love I had for him, for him to understand what I meant when I told him I loved him. My mind begun to spin, the feel of his soft lips pressed into mine while I sought to taste every inch of his. I felt his chest on mine, as his arms came around to hold me to him, and my mind was lost to which way was up or down, he was more of a high than any drug I had encountered and I never wanted it to end. As we kissed his head begun to tilt, and I felt the edge of his scruff as our lips broke. Trailing kisses through his scruff down to his neck a slight vibration rippled over my lips as my mind managed to register the moan that slipped from him. I pulled back gasping for air, feeling his body doing the same.

 

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     My vision had blurred with his intensity, almost as if he had reached down into my soul and caressed it with his lips. As he drew back I could see his eyes, the deep dark fear and wonder coloring the look and expression on his face. But this is what I had wanted. I had wanted him to make the move, I had wanted him to jump and give me a sign that he had wanted me. But even now I could feel every reason I hadn’t made a move surfacing in my mind.

     “Zac, is this what you want?” For a split second he looked unreadable, completely closed off. Then his lips met mine again. There was no pause in the onslaught of intensity this time, no uncertainty, just passion and emotion as he scooped my soul from the ashes and pressed it to his lips once again. I hardly realized we were moving until I felt myself slowly drop and hit the couch, his sense of direction once again pinpoint. The break in our kiss left me a moments clarity as he stood above me, that is until his fingers trailed the hem of his undershirt. Pulling it and the over shirt up and over his head, he exposed every inch of his torso, the curve of his pecs and the soft stomach leading to his belly button, ending in his happy trail before disappearing beneath his denim jeans.

     “Zac…” He didn’t pause to answer nor did he look anywhere but where my voice was coming from. His left hand made contact with the back of the couch and he lowered himself between my legs, ending in a slight kneeling position. His hair was falling into his face and I couldn’t find any words to speak. His take control sexiness was more than I could handle. His hand dropped from the back of the couch and fell to my knee, while his left hand followed suit on my other knee. The pressure was firm yet soft as he guided his hands up my outer thighs, as he traveled I could feel myself pressing into my own jeans. Yet the rush of what he was doing was too much to tell him to stop or to slow down. Instead of trailing his palms over my groin however he went up my hips, dipping his fingers beneath the hem of my own shirt. I hadn’t dressed up today, a simple tee and some jeans, a drastic difference from my normal ensemble. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from his hands, they traced the hem until they came together in the center, his thumb swept over the soft fabric before his knuckles tightened and the fabric stretched a second before I heard the fabric rip in his hands. He didn’t pause for me to object; instead he knotted the loose fabric around his hands and tugged them apart, ripping it completely. I felt exposed, turned on, and incredibly nervous. Freeing his hands from the fabric, he brought them back to my hips, and his head dropped. The exhale of heated breath on my light happy trail sent shivers down my groin and up my back, causing me to buck slightly up at him.

     “Hmmm” It came out more of a growl, needy and animalistic; his eyes glanced up from beneath the strands of hair in his face. His lips brushed at my happy trail, and begun to trail kisses up my stomach; I let myself let go, feeling nothing but the slight tickle of his hair intermingled with his soft lips as they continued past my belly button and over my lightly defined abs. As he reached my neck I felt his full body pressing into me, my own erection strained, as well as an unfamiliar bulge, pressing into mine. I moaned out as his lips made contact with my adam’s apple, and his body gave a slight rock in response. He didn’t stop his kissing; trailing them to my jaw and to my lips once again and I lost control to keep my eyes open.

     “I want you.” His lips broke their light sucking of mine to speak the words into them. I felt a lump rise in my chest.

     “Are you sure?” I dreaded his response; I just wanted him to say yes again. He rocked his hips forward again rubbing his erection into mine. My hands flew to his upper biceps and my fingers dug into his shoulders as waves of pleasure washed through me. His body pulled back slightly and my lids shot open, an edge of panic of where he might be going jumping to the forefront of my mind. He smiled lightly as he moved a few inches down and laid his head over my chest. I could feel my heart beating at rapid pace, screaming out how he was making me feel; the strong urge to pull him back up and grind against him battling out with the pure bliss of feeling him on my chest.

     “I kissed you.” His words pulled me from my struggle and back to the question I had voiced.

     “But Zac…” His head shot up from my chest and his eyes peered deep into mine.

     “Taylor, I kissed you. I jumped. The ball is in your court now.” The fear was ebbing back into his eyes along with the edge to his voice. 

     “We shouldn’t, you know we shouldn’t.” The words were out, the reason why I hadn’t made any move on him. They stung, every ounce of me wished that I had not spoken them, but it was true. We shouldn’t. He moved so quickly it was like whiplash, he was away from my body and on the other end of the couch in the time it took me to blink. His face was an utter mask, every ounce of emotion that had been there before, in his eyes and his lips were stripped away.

 

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      I felt as if I had been punched in the gut, I had let go, threw myself out off the ledge and I had plummeted. _That was it_. I pulled myself from his body, refusing to let myself cling to him as a fearful child. There was no doubt of what I wanted, I wanted him and he had said no. I felt exposed and raw; my skin was beginning to crawl without any shirt to shield me. I had given every ounce of my emotion to him, poured every craving into my lips when I kissed him.

     “Zac?” I couldn’t urge myself to say anymore.

       “Zac?” There was an edge of panic in his voice. I turned in his direction and crossed my arms over my chest to give me some sort of protection, comfort. Trying hard to keep my face calm and light, hoping that my demeanor wasn’t coming off as pissed; _Am I pissed? No….I hurt._ I force myself to find my voice from the lump in my throat.

                “Sorry, it won’t happen again.” My voice sounded dead to even me. I felt the couch move slightly and his hand settled on my cheek. I pulled back a bit. “Don’t Tay.” It was the last thing I wanted his forced contact with me. He pulled away and I felt the couch move, no shift in weight just complete absence. I shifted back forward, that’s it. Everything we had was gone. I could hardly feel the couch underneath me anymore; I had ruined everything that had come between us. We wouldn’t be us anymore. The contact made me jump, a brush at my knee sudden and none to gentle, first on my left then my right, then the contact in my lap. My head swam from the pressure of him in my lap, the electrical pulse that seemed to remind me that I was still so excited. His forehead pressed into mine as he straddled me.

                “I didn’t say ‘No’, I said we shouldn’t.” His voice shook as he spoke.

                “Taylor, I am not going to con you into being with me. You don’t want this? Okay, it won’t happen a….” His lips were on mine, and the pain dug its way deep.

                “I want you.” It took a moment for his words to register on my lips.

                “Are you sure?” It only seemed appropriate that I now say his words, they fell almost mockingly from my lips and deep down I didn’t care if it hurt him or not.

                “Yes,” I wasn’t going to let him back track. I grabbed his lips with my own and kissed him deeply again. Slipping my arms around his back, I found the remains of his shirt still hanging on his body; gripping them in my hand I pulled them back, forcing his arms to stretch out behind him and follow my directive. Once the fabric had fallen free from his arms I pressed the palm of my left hand into the small of his back while my right settled between his firm shoulder blades. His arms wrapped around me as well and in effort to get him closer to me I rocked him forward with my hands. Every inch of my chest made contact with his and another deep electrical throb pulled a moan from my lips as I kissed him. Pulling away from his kiss I set my head on his chest, his heart was racing like nothing I had ever heard, pounding through his chest at a rapid speed.

 

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                My breathing wasn’t slowing, if anything it seemed to be matching his, every exhale was a heated stroke on my chest, sending chills down my spine where his hands held me secure to his body. Trailing my hand to his face, his head came away from my chest tilting so he gazed up at me. His dark eyes were fixed on me, as I ran my thumb along his jaw. His breathing effectively stopped and his head tilted back away from me as my thumb inched its way to his neck. His brow came together as I increased the pressure. The deep throated growl was muffled by his lips sent a rapid throb to my groin. I pressed harder as I reached the back of his jaw bone and he bucked up into me as his lips parted and a new growl erupted turning into a deep moan.

                “Really?” My voice had lost its softness, but Zac didn’t seem to mind as his hand on my lower back slid to my ass and pulled me into him. My thumb pressed hard into the back of his jaw and his body shook beneath me, his eyes closed and he held my body against his. I could feel his cock pressed into mine, yet I was unsure if it was him or I that was throbbing more. The skin on his jaw was beginning to redden so I moved my finger forward and lessened my pressure; but he leaned into my touch harder. Practically forcing my thumb back to where it had been.

                “Pleeease.” His voice was thick, heavy and commanding. It growled from his lips, no edge of pleading. Digging my thumb into his jaw, harder this time; the moan that left his lips dripped like honey. His body shook hard and the breaths that had begun coming completely stopped again. His hips bucked up, thrusting himself into me. Continuing the pressure I began rubbing back and forth over the back end of his jaw bone. His eyes rolled closed and his hips bucked hard into me as his face flooded red from lack of air. His chest heaved for the oxygen that his body needed and the gasp that shock his chest only resulted in it being the single breath he took as his entire body tensed under my touch; as his body relinquished itself to its pleasure. Between the fabric of our jeans I felt his cock twitch against mine as his grip held me to him.

                The moan that fell from his lips was deep and carnal. I couldn’t take it; I dropped my lips to his to ride his orgasm out. My pressure on his jaw never lessened as he kissed and moaned into my lips. His body jerking beneath me didn’t seem to end and I felt a wave beginning to take hold; my breaths became quick and I saw his eyes fly open, looking deep into my soul. His hand dropped to his jeans and quickly popped the button on his jeans followed by the small quick vibration of his zipper being undone. Pulling back from kissing him, I watched as he settled both of his hands on my waist and guided me back off of his lap. Standing in front of him I watched him scoot forward as he trailed his hands from my sides until his fingers found my own button. Though his movements were quick; I dropped my own hands and quickly pealed myself out of my tight as fuck jeans. Those heated hands were on my hips again before I had even kicked my jeans to the side. His hands quickly came together and held the strained fabric between his thumbs much in the same fashion as he had my shirt. The rip sounded around the room and I felt the remnants being pulled from my body.

 

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            Once I heard the fabric rip, I felt his hips rock a bit. I slid sharply from the edge of the couch and landed on my knees with his legs on either side of me. I pressed face into his thigh and felt his cock throb against my check as he moaned lightly. Tilting my face I ran my tongue along his length, encircling his throbbing head. The collected precum hit my tongue and my own need to taste more of him pushed him deep into my throat. The salty sweetness drug along my tongue as I felt more and more of him slip into my throat. His hands flew to tangle in my hair as his hips shook beneath my fingers. Sharply sucking at him a deep carnal moan flew from his lips.

          “Oh…Fuck!” His voice shook. I could hardly hear his words as his cock throbbed and jerked between my lips. I moaned in response sending a steady vibration from his thick head along his, what I was sure was close to nine inch, shaft. Tightening my lips I pulled back, feeling his head pop back out of my throat and onto my tongue. Swirling my tongue around, up and under his head I seemed to find more precum. The sudden pressure on my jaw made my head swim with pleasure as he regained his assault on my sensitive jaw. Moaning and sucking more at him I drew him back into my mouth, down my throat and then out again. His hips were shaking, a shiver that I could feel traveling down my biceps. Pulling back again he moaned in slight irritation as I came completely free from his cock. Bringing my left hand to my lips I spit the collected saliva into my palm and brought my lips to just the edge of his cock. His hand in my hair refused to let me move any farther, leaving the edge of his cock to bush at my lips, sliding back and forth. Rubbing my fingers into my palm I worked the saliva around my fingers as I jutted my tongue out to wrap around his cock.

          Reaching up I caressed at his balls, all resistance was gone as he forced his cock down my throat in such a fluid movement that we both moaned deeply. Sucking sharply, I massaged at his balls in slow rhythmic motions before sliding my fingers around my palm again and slipping between his checks. His hips bucked forward as his hands held me fast to his groin. His cock throbbed in my throat; I moaned deeply and his deep moan filled the room as I rocked my finger into him, pressing forward into his prostate.

           “Zaccc…I..” Sucking harder I felt his hot cum hit the back of my throat, his hands flew to my shoulders as his body started to sag from the intensity. Pulling back a bit I sucked at his head and let him give me every ounce that had filled him. The thick stream coated my tongue and I began to swirl it around his head as swept my finger over his prostate while slowly working another finger into him. He started to moan and cum again; I thrusted my head forward and pushed him deep into my throat as I pressed my second finger further into him. He moaned so loudly it bordered on a scream, his cock continued to throb and pulse as he unloaded another load right down my throat. My body jerked from the sensations and my throat tightened around him as my own orgasm shot through me. The vibrations shook up his cock and I could feel them in my lips as I tightened them around him.

          “Zzzac, I…I….” He moaned again before his arms shook and his body effectively lost balance and he slipped from my mouth to his knees. His head came to rest on my chest as he panted and shook, I was utterly amazed that I had managed to keep my fingers inside him as he fell but all the same I felt his body tightening around them. I gave a slight movement and his body got hit with another wave of shivers.

          “I…I…neeed a mmmoment….” He panted it out and I stilled, feeling the sweat drip between us. The moments passed and I felt his body regain some level of even breathing. He kissed at my neck, pulling at the skin lightly with his teeth.

          “Hmmm…” His hand slipped down between our tangle of legs and brushed my wrist as his long fingers encircled my girth. With no hesitation my cock began to harden in his hand as he smeared the barely tacky cum from my head and down my shaft. I started to work my fingers around inside of him and his body shivered again as they swept lightly over his prostate before stretching him, then sweeping back over, and stretching again. My breathing was coming in short gasps, as I brought a third finger to his entrance. He hissed as I pressed it into him, clenching then relaxing. Letting go of my cock, he spat into his hand and brought it back to my throbbing cock working the saliva down my length. Spreading my fingers he again moaned into my neck.

          He reached down and his other arm came up and pulled at mine until my fingers began to with draw from him. He rotated his hips forward and pressed my head to his entrance. My head spread him farther than I had worked him as I slipped into him. I could feel a heated throb enfolding my head as it slipped fully into him. I paused as his body shook. Bringing my arms around him, I lifted him and lay him back onto the carpet.

 

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         My vision was swaying as he began to press into me again, his thick cock spreading me wider than I really had ever given him credit for. His lips came to meet mine and his kiss was deep again, reaching down to the very depths of my body. He began to suck at my lips as he kissed me and I could taste the smallest trace of my cum as he continued to rock himself deeper into me. He rocked his hips and I felt his groin come to complete contact with my ass. I let my head fall to the side as the fullness registered in my brain. He kissed at my neck as he shifted his weight an leaned a bit more to the right, the intense pressure sent a rippling effect through my entire lower half as he pressed into my prostate.

         “Oh… God…” He withdrew slowly and his shaft and head drew over my prostate, giving it a slight bump as the curve of his head passed over. He pressed back in again and the pressure came again in the opposite direction. I moaned loudly, bringing my legs up to wrap around his hips. His forearm came up and slipped beneath my head, effectively keeping me from moving anywhere away from him as he pulled back out and then buried himself deeply into me in the same fashion. My body was shaking like a leaf in his arms as his motions brought more pleasure and emotion from deep within me.

        I brought my arms around him and I could feel the detailed muscles in his upper back flexing as he continued to slowly rock in and out of me, his breathing coming in heavy shaky gasps as the hot air hit the area between my shoulder and neck. His cock throbbed and jerked as he passed over my prostate and his breath completely froze as a moan dripped from his lips. His hips continued to rock in the slow rhythmic motion though, and with each rock in his cock seemed to be gaining girth. I tightened around him as he withdrew and we both moaned deeply. He rocked a bit faster into me and again all of his pressure was perfectly placed. My body tightened again around him and his moan turned into a deep growl.

       “Ddon’t….Stop.” My voice shook as he continued to rock, harder and if possible deeper into me. I could feel the pressure building in my groin and I couldn’t take his pace any longer as he went to thrust into me I bucked my hips into him. My vision blurred the colors of the room as my vision seemed to disappear completely as we crashed into each other again. His moan came again in a deep thick octave; I tightened around him, practically refusing to allow him to exit. His hips bucked as his cock still managed to rub only a fraction back and forth over my prostate. I shook as my own moan filled my ears, as thick gobs of my own cum covered our pressed stomachs. His hips rocked harder as I orgasmed and he managed to gain maybe an inch movement before his cock jerked hard into my prostate and I felt his hot cum filled me. Every ounce of control left my body and I went spiraling down in another wave as I loosened slightly around him. His body bucked hard at the release and he withdrew enough so that the tip of his head was pressing right into my prostate as he had another orgasm. We moaned deeply as we shook and rocked with the wave. The seconds seemed to drag as we laid into each other. Our bodies seemed to occasionally shiver as one muscle would spasm. He held me to him, what little strength he seemed to have, he used it to hold my body to him.

 

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      I held him to me, it felt so good to hold him, to feel his body shake and to feel him actually relax into my hold. I could get used to holding him like this, feeling him relaxed and calm, knowing that he was relaxed and calm in my arms. My upper arm twitched as a spasm jumped through my bicep. Setting my head on his chest, his heart was still pounding and every thump sounded like music.

                “You okay?” I kissed at his chest a bit, realizing that as I spoke my words still came out in a breathy rush.

                “We’re insane, you know that right?” His light hearted tone made me smile.

                “Taylor?”

                “Hmmm?” His lips touched my forehead and I felt that long standing burn that they always left.

                “I love you…” I spoke the words slowly, deep with every ounce of knowledge that he now knew exactly what that meant.

                “I love you.” I tilted my head up to him and his lips pressed into mine once again.

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
